I am finally letting go....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
I am finally letting go....
6
Mon, 06-10-2013 - 11:18am

Ok so basically I thought that someone was a friend to me but has been basically using me this whole time while saying they were my friend.What I mean by using me...well we use to have a fwb thing a long time ago.I didn't want to continue with it and we became friends...or so I thought on my part.

The history of this relationship goes back to 2009 when I was dealing with the pain,humiliation and sadness of unemployment.I met this person through someone else who thought he would be good for me.I didn't feel like meeting anyone BUT I finally met this person and we would hang out at his place.I really did enjoy doing that..just talking and watching movies....fast forward to 2011/2012 I finally got it through my head that I needed to treat our relationship as friends only.And because I didn't want to lose this friendship I realized that I would have to distance myself away from him due to the fact that I still had these unresolved feelings.So 1st I decided to just communicate through e-mail or phone but then after a few weeks...he would contact me and that would start this whole communication with me again...well that lead to us sleeping together later on and when that happened...I had asked to come over that same week to hang out..NOT to sleep with him because I knew that I couldn't be doing this...and that's when he e-mailed me back saying how we have made many mistakes and it would ruin the friendship and we had a good friendship...so I e-mailed him back agreeing with everything he said and thats when I told him that I would not communicate for a few months...well still he would call me and talk about stuff...then  a few days ago...I slept with him again...then within the same week I stated to him that I would like to see him...Also I need to point out that I was referring to just hanging out because I wanted company.Now this is just a few days AFTER he had called me and I gone over there...so I assumed it wouldn't be a problem ....Well when I had asked him...he lied to me saying that he might be going out of town and that he would keep me posted..BIG FAT LIE!...

Well I FINALLY have gotten up the courage to end this so-called onesided friendship BUT not before I let him know how he had used me...hurt me,lied to me,and that he didn't deserve to have a real friend like myself.

We are all human and I get about being tempted BUT if you're my friend and you mean it...knowing that you don't have those feeling s for me and IF you were really serious about the friendship that you would  help me instead of not giving a crap;....which he never did and went under a false claim of being my friend...This man has really hurt me BUT I closed the chapter on this false friendship by letting him know how I feel.42 yr old man not being man enough to be upfront instead of using me...saying I"m a good person...It has taken me so long to finally chop off communication and I know that I will be crying for awhile BUT the good thing is that I will no longer have to listen to anymore of his lies and his using me.

Avatar for lizmvr
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2001
Fri, 06-14-2013 - 6:23pm

Keep spending time with your true friends, who aren't sleeping with you. They'll help you realize and continue to realize that you are worth more than a FWB situation.

Liz


Clinical Research Associate


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Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sun, 06-16-2013 - 10:41pm

  I don't get that he is using you?  It sounds like it is you that has unresolved issues around sex and what you want.  I have had FWB's for a while and we understood the boundaries.  Friendships are two way streets.   Take personal responsibility that you met when you needed different things than you do now.  This too is normal.  We all grow and change. 

      When you change the rules the relationship is altered.  But it still is a two way street.  You just want to hang out so what is in it for him?  Perhaps he does not want to hang out.    You wanted the company of him being there for you emotional self but what in return did he get from you?

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 2:22am

This is the narcissistic guy that you were in a relationship with for three years or so.  You've posted previously about how much he hurt you while you were with him.  I know a year after you ended the relationship you were still thinking of him but I thought you'd broken those ties long ago.  I'm so sorry to learn that you've continued i this damaging relationship.  Being "friends" with someone you have feelings for isn't possible.  Being "friends" with someone who has damaged you and treated you badly isn't healthy or beneficial.  It says you haven't moved much at all and are still quite entangled in the whole thing.  I understand you've probably told yourself that it's ok because you're in control and deciding what you'll accept and what you won't, but the thing is, a healthy person doesn't stick around someone who's emotionally abusive and here you are feeling that you've been used ....   

I hope at this point you recognize that you could use the help of a therapist to help you learn what issues keep you in this kind of relationship,  get through them and move on a stronger, healthier person.  I hope now that you realize you're still where you were all those years ago you take that step to get yourself to a better place.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 11:41am

I agree with the others.......you need to face reality!  You're the one with the problem.  Not to say he's perfect, but he's a man, and when you tell him you want to "hang out" with him, and you've had an ongoing sexual relationship, then he's thinking "sex" again!  Why wouldn't he?  Unfortunately you equate sex with love, and you don't understand why he doesn't feel the same.  Well, he doesn't.  He's told you that he values the FRIENDSHIP, he has never declared "love"!

You cannot have a FWB and expect it to suddenly become "friends only".  You need to cut this guy out of your life, and then you need to examine your own problems.  Just because you develop feelings for someone, that doesn't mean those feelings will be reciprocated, as you should know by now.  In the meantime, keep sex out of your friendships.......unless they become more than friendships.   

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Fri, 07-05-2013 - 1:58pm

I've got to say, Honestgirl, I six months or so ago you posted about a friend who keeps going back to her abusive boyfriend and how tired you are of the situation.  At the time I was surprised that you were looking at her situation in such an uncompassionate way, considering the difficulty you'd had in breaking away from your sociopathic boyfriend.  Now that it's clear you never did break away, I hope you'll take another look at your friend with a bit more conpassion and understanding, and recognize you'ver been doing exactly the same thing all these years. 


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Mon, 09-09-2013 - 11:38pm

I was not talking about my narcissistic bf...I am talking about someone whom he stated was my friend and that is what we had kept it.I KNOW that all we were able to be was friends.I totally understood where he was coming from so THAT'S the reason I believed him when HE stated that we were friends and that's all.I am hurt BECAUSE this person stated that he was my friend and friend only...which I valued alot BUT found out that he lied to me about being my friend.That's the issue I had and that's what hurt me...NOT the fwb thing because I knew that that was not what I had wanted although I did go with it in the beginning...but we had stopped that a long time ago...my point is WHY lie to someone saying you're my friends if you didn't want to be?!No point in that at all.I think that people who lie to get what they want from others is the one with the problem.Maybe people need to understand that honesty is the best policy instead of being deceitful.Oh..and what the person got out of me was a true honest friendship...I never fabricated that..so that;'s why I think it was one-sided because I wasn;t lying when I said about being a friend and friend only...oh and about my friend who is with that guy who is possessive...I was compassionate as I could be with her..she knows that I am still her friend but just like I had to find out the ugly truth about my 'so-called friend' she has to find the strenght to get out of that and I hope she does but I have stayed away because she is choosing the abuser over her friends and there is nothing I can do about that.She has to find her own way in her own time..hoepfully she will..