I can't help but love him

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2014
I can't help but love him
Mon, 04-07-2014 - 12:31pm

Hello everyone ! i realLu would like some advice and maybe some ideas on how to get out and let go, I've been dating my boyfriend for about 6 months and I've known him since we were little kids. I am well aware that  he has anger issues but I didn't how bad it really was. He's hotrible to his mom an mind you he's a 30 year old man still living at home .he blames everyone else for evrything wrong in his life and does have some addiction issues one minute he loves everything about me and the. I'm stupid and I have no common sense. He's hit me already but the funny thing is it's only while or during sex. he wakes up in the worst moods sometimes and I'm trying to deal with him the best way I know how but it's beginning to take a toll on me in every way. I know it's not healthy but I'm totally in love with him and I'm so close with his family that it will be nearly impossible to cut him out of my life completely. I guess I have all the answers in front of me but I would like to hear some other opinions. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 04-07-2014 - 1:06pm

I really can't understand how you can still love someone who is abusing you, but do you love how he treats you?  The only answer is for you to end this relationship.  It doesn't matter if you like his family.  You have to cut him out of your life.  If you can't do this alone, please call a domestic violence center or hotline for help.  Your life depends on it.

Avatar for cmerin
Registered: 01-20-2004
Mon, 04-07-2014 - 4:24pm

Hi there -

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Please think about contacting the domestic violence hotline, 800-799-SAFE.

Community Technical Assistant | Community Moderator

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 04-07-2014 - 11:32pm

You certainly CAN help but love him.  Learn to love yourself, and understand that you're being abused by him, mentally, physically and verbally.  Do you think you deserve that?  It doesn't matter if you've known him since the day he was born.....he isn't a baby, he's an angry, abusive and violent man.  You or your "love" can't fix him.  He has to want to be fixed, and get help for that. and he won't as long as he has you to abuse.  Maybe he never will.  It doesn't matter, it's HIS problem, not yours.  Your problem is to take care of yourself, and as long as you stay with him, you're not taking care of yourself.  You're enabling his problems.  Get out before he abuses you any further.......and stay away from him completely.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Thu, 04-17-2014 - 7:41pm

How can you love someone who has hurt you? I dont care how long you've known him..he has hurt you and he will not stop.He has a problem that YOU can not fix and it;s NOT your job to do this.He is an adult!! He still lives at home?! Why does he still live at home? Ist it because he has such anger issues that he can't function properly out on his own??

You can't save this man. You need to take care of YOU.I know you love him but you need to LOVE yourself a whole lot stronger to be able to move on from this.One day at a time. At least you guys don't live together so that's a start. Distance is another huge step you need to take. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2007
Thu, 04-17-2014 - 8:26pm

Hi Cganpat87,

"I guess I have all the answers in front of me..."

Yes, you do.  I would add that this is also the reason you posted this on the "Toxic Relationships" board.  Listen to your instincts.  If you had enough presence of mind to post on here seeking advice then you have enough presence of mind to do what you already know is best for you.  You can't change him.  You can't fix him.  He's the only one who can do that.

Take care.

Nothing has any meaning save the meaning I give it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Wed, 05-28-2014 - 3:14pm

You want other opinions? Ok....he's abusing you physically, mentally and emotionally. He can only do that as long as you enable him to do it. Like another poster said oh yes, you CAN help but love him. You can start by facing up to the fact that he does NOT love you or respect you (or anyone else for that matter) because one doesn't treat ppl they love this way.

 He obviously has some serious emotional issues, along with mental I'd say. It is NOT impossible to cut him out of your life just because you are close to his family. You may have to face the fact that to get him out of your life cutting ties with them also is the way to go.

Or you can stay and put up with it.  Think of how your future will be: being physically, mentally, emotionally and verbally abused for the rest of your life. Oh, and don't forget, if you have kids with him, they'll get a unhealthy dose of it, too, which they'll pass on to their kids. That's assuming he doesn't take things a step farther and wind up killing you or them.