I can't stop worrying

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2008
I can't stop worrying
7
Fri, 10-25-2013 - 10:11am

Here is my story, long & short of it:  I moved in with a guy about 3 years ago.  He seemed to be all that I wanted -- tall & handsome, charming & energic, great kids, great laugh, seemingly great job.  Well after we moved in the veneer cracked -- he had no money, I started paying the bills.  He also was a terrible flirt.  I think he had deep insecurities created by an abusive father during his child hood, and he assauged those insecurities but getting the flirtatious attention of women, which he kept right on doing while we were together.  Candidly, I understood his need for female attention on some level.   The problem was that people would ask him, what about your live-in GF (that would have been me) and in order to explain how he was there flirting even while he had a live-in GF he would be dismissive of me (I wasn't his "type" or I understood and was okay with it).  But he would still tell me how much he loved me, how he wanted to marry me, how I was "The One."  Even while I was paying the bills.

I know I should have nipped this relationship before it had time to get to a sour place, but I couldn't seem to do that.  Maybe I was insecure too.  Maybe it's like this is the way you are supposed to be with family.  Your kid has a temper tantrum you can't dump your child in the street and walk away.  Your aging parent says nasty things.  You can't walk away and never speak again.  You deal with your family, flaws and all, because they are family.  And yet this was a situation that obviously I needed to get out of. 

Well, maybe about 8 montsh ago, I started taking steps to move out, and things got rough.  There were times when he wouldn't let me leave the house -- he would restrain me, hold me down, put his hand over my mouth so I couldn't breath, have sex.  I realized every time I went into the house I was enabling him and yet into the house I would go. 

But, then, eventually I left.  He still owes me money.  I moved on, met someone new who is just a wonderful man. My old BF also moved on, got a new GF, tried to move in with her.  

And this is where it all gets confusing.  I keep worrying about my old BF.  I don't know why.  I want to make sure he is okay.  I shouldn't do that.  I remember his fun energy, his sweet side; I worry also about his children.   I actually also am worried that if he is using the new GF like he used me, there could be trouble.  He can't get away with that behavior without someone some time making it a much bigger issue.  So I can't make up my mind whether I should check in (because he still feels like family) which would not be good for my new relationship.  Or give in the urge to check in.

Please don't get me a hard time for having this urge.  I think it's wrong, maybe, I don't know.  I am just worried.  Any advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 10-25-2013 - 11:23am

The good part is that you physically got away from this guy.  the bad part is that you are still emotionally tied to him.  You should never check in on him.  You should block his number and be thankful that you were able to get away before he hurt you badly or killed you because he is an abuser, plain and simple.  The 3rd paragraph of your post is  chilling to me.  Yes someone should be making a big deal.  I hope that if he tries this with any other woman that she has the sense to call the police and prosecute him and that he goes to jail so he will stop abusing other women.  Yes you have an obligation to take care of your child or your aging parent, but this guy is NOT your family.  He is an ex boyfriend.  You owe him nothing.  Of course he was nice sometimes but he was also a very bad guy sometimes.  If you find that you really can't resist calling him, then maybe you should try therapy or go to a domestic violence support group for help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Fri, 10-25-2013 - 11:47pm

Why in the world would you call or think of this scum bag as "family"?  How could you put him in the same category as your child or your aging parents?  That's ludicrous.  Don't worry about HIM.......he is definitely not worried about you, he has a new "mark" and hopefully she'll wake up and smell the roses all on her own.  You aren't responsible for him or her, only yourself.  If he owes you money, just kiss it goodbye.......consider it the cost of learning a lesson.  Imagine if one of his old g/f's called you and told you what a loser he is, how he stole her money, cheated on her........you wouldn't have believed her.......you would say "but he LOVES me" and he would never do that to ME!  But he has done it to you......in fact, what you described about him restraining you and having sex, that is called RAPE and you should have called the police then and there.....and he'd be in jail now and not abusing anyone else fror a long time.  Get some help for your self if you need it and move on with your life......he will be just fine......moving from woman to woman until someone ends up dead probably.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2008
Mon, 10-28-2013 - 1:41pm
Thank you for your advice. I think the reason that I did not make a big deal was because I felt responsible -- it's like the first time, I could have been upset but any time thereafter I was responsible for not ending it after the first time. I was once a sensible professional woman. Now I feel weakened, worried, and it is my sense that I let it malinger too long is keeping me for moving forward, if that makes sense. Thank you again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2008
Mon, 10-28-2013 - 1:44pm
P.S. And I appreciate your candid advice Fissatore! The weird thing is a lot of my friends liked him (he was charming), but every word you say is so true. He definitely isn't worried about me, I will never see that money again, and for sure he will end up in jail or just moving from woman-to-woman. I was an idiot.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Tue, 10-29-2013 - 10:55am

One added comment: If you don't stop thinking about him, it's going to ruin your present relationship with a decent man. Even if you don't say anything to your bf, he'll sense that your mind is elsewhere, and that you're in a distant place that he can't get close to. If you can't stop thinking about your ex, get counseling so that you can be a healthy partner to your present bf. In my life, unconditional love is saved for my children. The man in my life doesn't get unconditional love from me. He has to earn the right to stay in my life. Good luck in moving on with your future.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2008
Thu, 10-31-2013 - 3:50pm

Okay so maybe the bigger part of my mistake is that I am being too nice, and I can't seem to shake my own niceness.  While I was moving out of the house, I would go up into the house partly to move out.  I would tell him I was leaving and tell him to stay away from me.  He would then restrain, push for sex, just as I indicated in my post.   During those times I was frustrated, scared, angry, but also I felt guilty.  I shouldn't have gone into the house and having gone into the house . . .   Well, anyway, finally I did move out.  Then I was worrying.  But even while I was posting on this board and worrying, and ultimately NOT calling, I heard this:  He evidently told some mutual friends that while I was moving out I would visit him for "quickies" and that I would be back.  

That he would have forced me, over protest, to have sex and then claim I was visiting him for "quickies" is beyond my realm of comprehension.   But I think the best thing for me to do is still stay quiet, right?  Just let it all pass?  The one comment seems so right, that he is just bouncing from woman-to-woman and now, him having bounced on, if I just stay quiet it will below over.  I think?  Or should I say something?

Thank you again

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 11-04-2013 - 12:21am

Have you heard of the Stockholm Syndrome?  That's what you have.  You think you're too nice?  Yes, you are.  You should have had him charged with rape, and you didn't.  But you're not being "nice" at all.  You're taking the blame for everything that happened when you were with him.  That's what that kind of man does.  He's got you so brainwashed that you think that going there to get your OWN POSESSIONS was wrong, and that's why he raped you.  It wasn't because he was a scumbag, it was because you shouldn't have gone there.  Most people try to be nice......but allowing someone to take advantage of you like he did isn't being "nice" it's being a weak and insecure person, and that's what he made you....that's how he managed to keep you there for 3 years, because he had you convinced that no one else would have you, that your were worthless, and lucky to have him!  If you can't stop feeling this way, then you need to get some professional help.  If you don't, the newest g/f may not be as pliable as you, and she may walk out on him.....and then guess what?  He'll be calling you, telling you he was wrong, that he misses you, and he wants you back, and he will promise to be nice, promise the moon......and you'll fall for it again.  And once he has you back, it'll be the same misery that it always was.  Please stop being NICE and start taking care of yourself.  Get some professional help to get your spine back!!!