I have to let go and never ever take him back

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2003
I have to let go and never ever take him back
Wed, 06-19-2013 - 1:55pm

In 2004, I began seeing a separated married Pastor.  I’m 43, he’s 58. I know it was wrong.  His wife left the church and moved out of their home. A year later I inquired about the status of his divorce…only to find out divorce papers were never filed.  I decided to end the relationship.  Over the next several months, he begged me to take him back, told me how much he loved me and wanted a future together…he just needed more time to get divorced.  I took him back…..only to find out months later divorce papers were never filed. This cycle would repeat itself over and over again over the years.  Our relationship has always been a secret.  He definitely does not want his church, wife or grown children to know he’s seeing someone or thinking about moving on. 

In 2010, I gave birth to our son.  Of course he wants to keep the child secret. He still says in time we’ll be together.  In the meantime, he seems more than happy to establish a secret life with us.  He visits, plays with our son and try to be my lover.  This is so unfulfilling.  I’m unhappy. The hiding and secrets are driving me crazy.  He doesn’t provide much financial support.  On an average I get $100 a month.  He asked my not to file for child support because it could damage his image (Pastor) and people would find out about our child.  In foolish ways I have been trying to protect him because he is in the ministry. Our son has my maiden name.

Once again, I’ve dumped him.  I’d rather raise my son without his involvement than deal with the drama he brings.  Of course he’s back begging and accusing me of not being an understanding person. I just can’t take him back this time.  According to him we have a good thing going.


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Wed, 06-19-2013 - 2:33pm

Yes it appears you have wasted enough time with this man or pastor or whatever..

It is time for you to focus on yourself and your child.. Find many other outlets of support for yourself whether it be therapy or support groups or whatever.. Be around friends and family and dont look back.. Move forward into a life you will now make for yourself.. Block him from your phone, emails and everything.. Do not engage in his behavior.. It sounds emotional abusive so please for your new life do not feed into it one more day.

As Dr.Phil says the only thing worse than being in a bad relationship for ten years is being in a bad relationship for ten years and one more day.. Go out and find some books on the subject and read them and get your power back.. yes that is it . Take your power back from a man who has duped you for many years pastor or not.

Good Luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 06-19-2013 - 4:03pm

This is a sad situation and you should not put up with it for one more day.  He has a good thing going, but you don't--he gets to have the woman on the side while keeping up the facade of being a respectable person whose wife left him--I bet he lied to everyone about why, blaming her for everything.  And $100 a month!  In my state, people who are on disability or unemployed or basically have no money have to pay the minimum child support, which is $80/month--he should be paying many times that.  So don't be foolish any more--go to court and get a court order for child support and other than having him spend time with the child, don't put up with his nonsense any more.  Obviously he has no intentions of ever getting divorced or he would have done it by now.  Why should you settle for this kind of crumbs from his life?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 06-19-2013 - 9:43pm

Agree with Music!  Please don't cheat your son of child support to protect this despicable man.  With college tuition these days (and keeps rising), you need to get every penny you could from his father to give him a secure future.  The child should not pay for the bad behavior of this "pastor".

Besides, when you file for child support, most likely he will become angry and not want to be with you again - which helps you stick to your resolution of never, ever, taking him back!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 2:01am

Stay strong, MsChris2003, you're doing the right thing.  Words are easy but the truth is in the actions.  As you've said, he says you'll be together one day, but is building more secrecy and enjoying the secret relationship. He's not working towards becoming public, he's building the secrecy!  How does he plan to come out and explain a child?  And how must it make you feel for him to not want anyone to know about your relationship.  Consider this as well, he gets off virtually scott free the way things are.  He pays you practically nothing; he has no responsibility, financial or otherwise, a relationship but gets all the benefits.

I urge you to continue the path you're on.  Move away from this relationship and cut all contact with him.  Call your local district attorney and inquire how to file for support.  This secrecy thing benefits him but hurts you and your child and needs to end.  It's not your place to keep his secret and suffer for it.  Take care of you and your child -- he's not.  

Cutting contact is really important because staying in contact means letting him wear you down and ultimately listen to his crap and think things will be different if you go back. You've been through this enough times to know this isn't a relationship that changes, it's a relationship that cycles through the same issues over and over again.  You get fed up and leave, he wears you down and you come back until you get fed up again and leave....and again and again and again.  In order to stop the cycle you have to change how you act -- you have to stop the cycle by stopping contact and with it, his ability to wear you down. You know that staying isn't the right thing, there's no reason for contact.  The only purpose it serves is for him to give you lip service and get you back.

You refuse contact by telling him you don't want to hear from him, then block his number from your phone, your email, FB, any access he has to contact you, you need to block.  If he gets through via phone, hang up the minute you realize it's him without saying a word.  Delete voice mail without listening, delete email without reading.  Change your phone's number if you need to.  Next up, make a list of what's gone on, why continuing with him isn't wise.    Print the post you wrote here and keep it with your list.  Anytime you start to think maybe leaving wasn't such a good thing to do, pick up your list and post and reread them.  Reading the detailed reasons in your own words will remind you clearly how it really is and will keep you on track.  You should also come  back here anytime you're feeling weak.  We'll bolster you and remind you of why you ended it and help keep you on track.

It's time to end the facade he's had you living under and move on to a real life that doesn't include a relationship that doesn't honor or respect you and doesn't offer you anything.

~ cl-2nd_life

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Mon, 08-05-2013 - 7:40pm
PLEASE don't take this person back...he is lower then the dirtiest maggott in the ground...people like him will NEVER change and they will eventually get what's coming to them in time...he wants his cake and eat it too...if I were you...I would take him to court for child support and out him to EVERYONE!!! He's not a real man at all and never will be...it's hard to leave someone like this...I know..been there done that but it NEEDS to done!! Why are you so wanting to protect this scumbag?!! It's your son that's suffering...you know when someone has you in hiding ...to me it's because they're ashamed of you or of what they're doing but they don't want anyone to know...There is no fun in being secret or hiding with someone...you are a grown woman...too bad you spent your time with a grown man child. Move on for you and your son's sake.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2014
Fri, 01-17-2014 - 10:51pm

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