I need to let go, but I am scared.
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|Sun, 10-20-2013 - 1:47am|
I posted on the break up board about 16 months ago. My boyfriend of 2 years at that time had just dumped me and kicked me out while I was in the process of moving back in. I had found some messages to a "friend" he was refusing to cut ties with even though he would only contact her when he was mad at me. The messages were flirty and talked about her big chest and how much he missed it. Well I moved out and for the first time in many many break ups with him, we had no contact for exactly two months. I had been in counseling prior to our split but really stepped it up after. My counselor was so proud that I did finally walk away. She said she considered it a domestically violent relationship because he was so emotionally mean to me.
Well on my 60th day of being alone I was planning to take myself to a movie and celebrate. I was feeling strong and for the first time in my life really figuring out who I am. I was 43 at that time. I had been married three times prior to my engagement to this guy. On that day, when I was so proud of myself, he contacted me. He text then started calling obsessively. I finally agreed to see him a few days later. He begged for a few weeks and I stuck to my guns about being just friends, which we all know never works. So long story short...I live with him again and things are not as bad as they have been in the past but after a fight today, he again has kicked me out and broke up. I begged and cried and apologized and promised I would be better. Talk about having no dignity left. He said he would think about it but canceled a time share we bought together this week. Probably the smartest move ever but it hurt my feelings because it showed me there is not a future. As I sit alone tonight being ignored I wonder what happened to the girl that found herself during those 60 days, I know I need to get out. I mean our day to day life is very mello but we are just friends living together. We do not sleep in the same room. I do all the cooking and most of the cleaning even though he is not working right now. He is back to putting me down and making fun of my body. I just feel like he is a buddy and that is how he treats me unless he feels be stepping back. Then he tells me how much he loves me and jokes about us getting married some day.
At this time the way things stand, I am allowed to live here and he is thinking about whether or not he wants to be with me but he doesnt think so. I am scared to be out on my own again but after a nice pay raise a few months ago money is not a big issue anymore. My counselor told me if I got back with him there was nothing more she could do for me so I stopped seeing her. I am trying to convince myself that there is more out there and it is better than this even if it is alone. I feel lost but feel like I am standing on the edge of a cliff I know I can jump from and soar if I will just be brave enough to do it.