Insight please

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2000
Insight please
8
Wed, 09-11-2013 - 11:50am

HI.. I originally posted yrs ago on the pornography board due to my husband uncontrollable desire. Now I don't remotely think twice of it. It's gotten worse than that. I am 35 married 15 yrs , he is 37 and we have 3 kids. They see his horrible behavior. Yes there can be ok days but its bc we are making sure we don't say or do anything to trigger it. However he is known to scream and punch walls etc. my daughter who is 15 says he calls her incompetent , pimple face, fat and ugly which I just found out. I am beside myself. Today he came out of bathroom into kitchen arms folded and said accusatory, all right which deodorant did u pack him for camp?! I said simply I bought him a new one (11 yr old son school camp) and he says walking away was gonna say bc they were all there in drawer. I said, I think I know what to pack and what he need. don't walk out and act like I don't know what I'm doing. All of a sudden doors slam open a wall is punched and he's in my face screaming so loud that I don't know anything! I am a lazy p.o.s. that can't do anything, I am lazy, irresponsible, And goes on to scream that I  b!ch like this constantly and that I am the one with the problem. I said then to stop, and he pushed me. I stumbled by I didn't expect it an then I said wow really, I'm about done with this, with everything u accuse me of I am ready to file. That made him turn around and push me twice til I was aagainst a wall and he punched the wall and left a gaping 3in dent And paint removal slight hole in wall. Then screaming that I don't manage to fill out his direct deposit papers (he wants $1000 to go to a savings of his I can't access but we need The money . And then goes off about me getting brakes fixed on his vehicle yet won't put the money in account so I have to wait anyway! Then proceeds to say that I should've had the attic, basement, garage cleaned out all ready for yard sale, I don't clean house enough.. boys rooms are a mess, that I need to mow, and the list continues. I do work 40plus hours a week on midnights and I do clean as much as I can. Then as he leaves for work texts me that I need help. I am to sleep on couch til I apologize for everything and for !!tching all the time etc.

i feel absolutely crazy... Totally mindscrewed.

and in Ohio unless there's actually physical abuse nothing happens. yet filing divorce means we live together til it's over a yr later and that's a yr of suffering for me and kîds. 

am I overreacting. I know this isn't normal but is this abuse.? Did I start this..? Do I not do enough to warrant this?. I actually caught myself resuming packing his lunch like nothing happenethen realized how mind screwed and controlled I felt he was.

sorry about how it's written . iPad isn't easy to type on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 09-11-2013 - 1:24pm

No this is not normal, it is abuse.  and he actually has physically abused you already--he pushed you into a wall.  Have you actually consulted a divorce lawyer?  I can't imagine that people actually have to live together while they wait for the divorce if they are always fighting--do you mean that you can't force him to move out?  What about the fact that he also verbally abuses the children?  This is so damaging to them.  You really have to get a plan to get divorced--even if you have to wait a year, if you start now, you'll be one year closer to the divorce. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 09-11-2013 - 1:29pm

By the way, I just did a quick search of Ohio law and you do not need actual violence to get a protective order.  You can get one if there is

Attempting to cause or recklessly causing bodily injury;

(b) Placing another person by the threat of force in fear of imminent serious physical harm

And it seems that if you don't file on cause grounds and you don't agree about incompatibility, you have to live APART for a year to get divorced, not together.  So you really need to consult a lawyer.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2000
Wed, 09-11-2013 - 1:32pm

Yes  I have spoken to a few attorneys they all say Ohio courts wathe kids to have both parents in house til divorce is over. Only thing that can get us removed or him removed from home is physical abuse - something I can prove. Verbal abuse to me they shrug off. Kids then have to be talked to and that alone is going to be hard on them to talk bc its their dad but even then it's not guaranteed they'll remove us or him unless they think he's physical. 

I feel like I am the antagonizer bc I don't do enough. Whether in the bedroom, house, kids etc. nothing in here is close to perfect but the house is cluttered but clean and yes basement attic and garage is storage I need to clean. There's too many different directions too many things to do not enough time or enough me. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2000
Wed, 09-11-2013 - 1:33pm

I have asked about that and they dismiss the whole living apart bc that apparently doesn't apply with kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 09-11-2013 - 10:59pm

Even if you were the laziest wife ever, it wouldn't justify pushing you, yelling at you & punching a hole in the wall.  I would suggest looking for a domestic violence support group in your area.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Thu, 09-12-2013 - 1:24am

Who said you have to live together for a year?  That's insane!  I live in Ohio, and we were separated for 18 months BEFORE the divorce.  Also, there doesn't have to be physical abuse to get a divorce.  This man is not only physically, verbally, mentally and emotionally abusing you, he's verbally abusing your daughter too.  If for no other reason, you need to get rid of him, because at 15, he's already screwed up her mind and her self esteem!  And please don't announce your intentions to him, just do what you have to do.  The next time he lays a hand on you (and shoving you into a wall is laying a hand on you!) you call the police.  That needs to be on record.  Show them the hole in the wall, and tell them you're afraid next it will be you......and they should take him to jail, at least for the night.  At this point I'm sure you're scared of what happens when he comes home, but now he knows you aren't going to take it any more.  If you have to call the police again, then you get a restraining order.....and he has to get out. 

Then you get a lawyer.  Check with your local bar association for someone who will be reasonably priced, or does pro bono work.  In the meantime, you need to get all your important papers together.  If you need to get out, then call the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) and they can direct you to a safe shelter for you and the kids until he's gone.  Just pack the essentials and leave while he's gone to work or whatever.  You don't need to live like this, and you need to protect your daughter NOW!  Start now to prepare, and get yourself and your children some peace and happiness.  You'll never get it with him around.  He's a sick man!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Thu, 09-12-2013 - 1:29am

Telling you that it's YOUR fault is the typical abuser's line!  If you'd behave, he wouldn't have to do the things he does.  And after a while, you're so brainwashed, you believe it.........and you believe it.  As music lover says, no matter what you do or don't do.........he has no right to put his hands on you EVER.  And who's fault is it that he abuses your daughter?  He's a sick man, and he's got you believing it's your fault.  GET OUT!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Fri, 09-13-2013 - 2:03pm

he will kill you..please get out now!