It's been a year but I still have to fight myself not to contact him!! :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2013
It's been a year but I still have to fight myself not to contact him!! :(
10
Sun, 03-03-2013 - 8:39pm

Its been a year since i left my fiance who was emotionally and physically abusive to me. I sometimes wish i could call him or text him and see how he is doing. I know this is awful and I would never do it but when I get this way i feel so hollow inside. We were friends all through school and only decided to further the relationship when we were 24 and 23. He went to the army and i stuck by him every step of the way. When he came back he was cruel and mean. He tore my mcl and damaged my wrist and almost broke my jaw before I had the strength to pack up and leave. It was so awful some nights i would be to scared to sleep. After i left I had to hide my car, change jobs and felt like i was being hunted. I know im in a better place and I never want to go back to that awful situation its just some nights i miss him more than i can bear. I don't want to miss him anymore and I want to feel free from him. But that never comes. The feeling comes less now than what it use too but i know i will never fully get over losing someone that i feel was my soul mate. And that sucks. I can't vent to my friends or family cause they dont understand what im going through. I feel like the love of my life has passed away even though he is still living and breathing. How does one get over that or deal with it. Does it ever fade? i have tried speaking with my pastor about it but i always still end up feeling the same way as i do now. Im so tired of being heartbroken.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I think it would be natural for you to miss the good part of him--the guy you were friends with from school or the guy he acted like when he was not being abusive.  Unfortunately I think a lot of guys come back from military service really traumatized and suffering from PTSD and not getting help.  But that is not your problem.  Maybe you could find a therapist or support group for victims of domestic violence so you can have other people to talk to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013

Have you not dated at all in the past year?

Maybe you need to go thru the grieving steps until you reach acceptance. I could not imagine wanting to text/talk/contact a person that caused such physical injuries. I would be doing a happy dance that I got out of something so awful.

Do you hang out with your family or friends? Have you shared with them how you are feeling?

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

  look as long as he is the last lover of note then yes you will always feel that tug.  The solution is to get back out in the social scene.  Find new activities and lovers.  Yes, lovers not a relationship because it takes time to get past old remembrances.  The best way is new remembrances.

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2013

I have dated one other guy, met a few others that seem like real gentlemen but even when I was dating I still had these moments so I broke it off before It could be serious. It's not about finding someone or filling a void I just miss my ex. Everything about him and everything we had built, the hopes of a future together haunt me some days. All except for when he came back this last time. I still speak to some of his family whenever they contact me and he sounds to be doing good from what I hear. I just wish I knew how to make it go away. I have picked up hobbies and stuff like that trying to fill my time, Ive tried dating, counceling and nothing seems to help ease this. Im just at a dead end I guess.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I think it would probably be better if you didn't keep in contact w/ his family for now because every time you talk to one of them it brings up the old memories.

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004

You've discovered you can love someone and not be able to live with them. In this case, you made the wise choice to leave him: no one deserves to be abused and certainly not live in fear of another person! Remember, if he loved you, truly, he wouldn't have abused you. He was wrong!

That said, I think you would be wise to stop staying in touch with his family or any of your mutual friends. Yeah, when you end a relationship it means a lot of pain and "endings" with a lot of  people. It's not helping you to talk to his family and hear about him. So STOP DOING THAT TO YOURSELF.

You've also been traumatized by your abusers betrayal. You must mourn the death of all aspects of your relationship: all those plans, all the memories, all the dreams. You're experiencing the same thing a divorced person or a surviving spouse goes through when their partner dies. 

Please get help for yourself from a qualified therapist. Moving on for you will be much more than distracting yourself for some period of time. You need to heal from this betrayal, get healthy emotionally so you're not a victim of another abusive person in the future.

Good luck.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001

First, good for you for finding the courage to leave and good for you for having the strength to stay out of contact despite your urges. 

Secondly, no one who abuses you is your soul mate and you will lose the feelings you have. 

What have you done to heal yourself (get over him)?  Have you sought therapy?  What resources have you used?

I totally get wondering where he is, what he's doing, but missing him?  Especially after all this time.  it sounds like you have some work to do in therapy to get to a root that's causing you to have these feelings. 

I'll have more thoughts and suggestions when I hear your reply. 

Hugs, Drowning.  If it helps, I was in an abusive marriage myself and spent a LOT of years there trying to fix a man who wasn't interested in changing (surprise), so I do have some understanding of your situation.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

How can you think of someone who beats on you your "soul mate".  That means your soul and his match!  Do they???  It is your choice to continue to hold on to the person you wanted him to be, but he never was.  Your choice, and once you decide you're a better person than he ever was......you'll stop dreaming about him.  You need to start loving yourself, and when you do, you won't love a loser like that.  I hope you're able to watch the Dr.Phil show on Tuesday.  It will be about a woman who can't give up a man.  Maybe you'll take something good from the show.  It's all about loving yourself, and never ever letting any man disrespect you for any reason, and any man who does........is scum!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

How can you think of someone who beats on you your "soul mate".  That means your soul and his match!  Do they???  It is your choice to continue to hold on to the person you wanted him to be, but he never was.  Your choice, and once you decide you're a better person than he ever was......you'll stop dreaming about him.  You need to start loving yourself, and when you do, you won't love a loser like that.  I hope you're able to watch the Dr.Phil show on Tuesday.  It will be about a woman who can't give up a man.  Maybe you'll take something good from the show.  It's all about loving yourself, and never ever letting any man disrespect you for any reason, and any man who does........is scum!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2012

There is a really good book called The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker. It's more geared towards how to avoid and recognize abusers, touches on PTSD, but could be a great tool to help you recover. I read in another post about how military men suffer PTSD, and although I respectively agree with that truth, you need to worry you suffering from it now that you've been in an abusive relationship. So I offer the same terminology, but in a different context. Even as he/she wrote, that's his problem not yours.

There's no clear cut reason why you feel like calling him. It could be partly habit, underlying unresolved closure, genuinely missing who he was, etc. When you daydream about it, how does the conversation go? However your head plays it out, should be a good indication of what you need to gain from that conversation. You just don't need to really have that conversation with him, to achieve the same relief.

It can be hard to talk with people in real-life who don't understand what being in a relationship like that can entail. I hope you're finding comfort in the online support community and continue to turn to it, instead of calling him, when you feel that way. I respectfully disagree that entering a new relationship is the right way to go. You'll know when you're ready, but you need to make sure you don't end up in the same relationship with a different fist coming at you. Women who are in abusive relationships, tend to stay in them until they make the difference.

And just remember, it's only been a year. There are still plenty of women out there who would think about calling an abuser they left 2, 5, 10 years ago. Don't beat yourself up about time, and how you think society expects you to feel, focus on how to be the best you for the future. Nothing of how you feel is awful, it is how you feel and you're entitled to that. Embrace it, learn from it, stay strong!