Is this man worth dating?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2013
Is this man worth dating?
12
Tue, 06-04-2013 - 12:37am

Hi, All. I went out a few times with a man and we ended up in an argument and he hung up on me. Fast forward to a few weeks ago when we got back in touch. He saw that I was looking at his online dating profile and sent me a message saying "Hi". He only apologized for hanging up on me after I prompted him to...A few days later in the messages he posted, he started talking about how we could be "really good friends", and he invited me to a church service. Well, since he was so enamored of me when we dated before, I though he was coming back to date. But, apparently it is otherwise. We had a semi-argument conversation about it yesterday and here are some of the things that were said:

Him: "lol Yes you are and I respect that. Can we start as friends and see what happens? That way it's not all complicated to soon."

Me: "We can. And I don't even know if I want more with you, but I'm surprised that you seemingly got over me so easy.You happened to like complicated before. Why not now?"

Him: "Okay just stop browntresses!! lol I'm not sure if we are right for each other. Maybe our personalities are just to different. Alls I know is it would be nice to see you and go to church with you. That's all. No funny business. lol"

Him: "I just thought we could be friends browntresses. I thought that would be nice. Someone to go to church with once in a while. Maybe a movie now and then. I'm not sure if I want more. I am being honest and I know you appreciate that.I just want to be your friend.'

Him: "You are scaring me, browntresses. I just wanted to be your friend. We hadn't talked in a while and when I saw you had looked at my profile on Christian Mingle I thought it would be nice to say hi. That was probably a bad idea. I didn't mean to lead you on which is why I kept saying friend. I don't have a lot of friends to do things with like you. I stopped hanging out with a lot of my friends when I quit drinking. Friendship was all I was looking for and I do care about you and wanted to see how you were. Please be nice. I'm leaving now."

Me: "You rotten f*cking a**hole. You really hurt my feelings. Here I am giving you another shot, and this is what I get. Like I said, let's see if you can do better..."

Well, those are the more important messages. As the conversation went on, it became more and more contentious with me demanding answers because I really thought this man came back to date and not just to be friends with me.

This man is 49 years old and is living with and has lived with his parents for the last ten years! He was a drug addict for about 20 years and an alcoholic after that. He has been sober and in recovery for 5 years now. He works at a home improvement store, but doesn't know how to fix anything. He was offered a promotion at that store, but turned it down because he didn't think he was ready for the responsibility. He is extremely desperate and has been on an online dating site (maybe more) looking for women since our association ended. He is constantly posting boasting pics on Facebook showing off his muscles (he works out a lot-it's part of his recovery). On one of our dates six months ago, right before we stopped seeing each other, we were in the car alone together after dinner, and he slipped off his shirt, jumped out of the car, and started flexing under the street lights into poses that contestants in a Mr. Universe contest would use.

Anyway, that conversation that I posted above ended with me cursing him out. He then blocked me from sending him any more messages on Facebook. I sent him an email and apologized and I left my phone number and invited him to call last night if we wanted to start as friends and see if a relationship will develop. He did not call, nor reply to my email message. I also called him on the phone after that and left a message saying the same thing. Again, no call and this was last night. This is a desperate and lonely man. I was told by 2 women and 1 guy that this man will be back on contact with me, the woman think within the month. The guy says, "He will contact you again, they always do...". I honestly don't know what I would say, except that I'm not going to start as friends. Why should I? If he doesn't want to date me, he can find his friends from another source.

Do any of you think this man will be back in contact with me? Do any of you think he is even worth giving the time of day to?? And did I come off as being desperate to him? That is what I'm concerned with the most. I think I did :(.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Tue, 06-04-2013 - 1:44am

Based on your description of this man I would say no, he's not worth dating. It doesn't even sound like you two are compatible enough to be "just friends". You end up angry when you talk to him. I have no idea if he will contact you again.

You did come off as desperate---you curse him out, then contact him and say "let's see if a relationship develops"? You complain that he is sending mixed messages but you are doing the same thing. You ought to ask yourself why you would want to be with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 06-04-2013 - 11:00am

I think you came across as kind of nutty.  I can't see why this guy did anything that would rise to the level of you being angry & cursing.  he should have apologized for whatever argument you  had before and hanging up, but from what you said, you only went out a few times before, it was not like you were in a serious relationship.  Then the guy asks to go to church & be friends--several times.  If you had no interest in just being friends, you could have told him that nicely.  So you put him down by saying "let's see if you can do better" and then you wonder why he doesn't contact you again?  You also say all these negative things about him living with his parents, not having that great a job--so why is it that you even want to date him if he is below your standards?  Why would you want a man who is just desperate to get anyone? 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2013
Tue, 06-04-2013 - 11:30am

Hi. It bothered me because before he was so crazy about me that he stuttered when we talked, and now he just wants to be friends. I don't know. He did say he still likes me, but wanted to start out as friends. But then, he said that he just wanted to be friends. So, I was a bit confused and that bothered me. Then he said that he wasn't going to pick me up for church after all those comments were exchanged and I became angry. Some people said that he was just letting me down easy and doensn't want me at all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2013
Tue, 06-04-2013 - 8:28pm

There were a few good things about him: he treated me like gold, he had a well-muscled body and a pleasant personality and shared my faith. We got along except for the childish communication from him in the form of hanging up on me, and rushing me out of the car when he felt "attacked" when I brought up something serious.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Wed, 06-05-2013 - 1:25am

Remember that the point of dating is to get to know each other, to learn if two people are compatible enough to form a more serious relationship. Though you and he have a few things in common and you like his body it doesn't sound like there is enough compatibility for something more serious to develop. He seems to have already recognized that, which is why he just wants to be friends. But since you two seem to argue and have a difficult time communicating there might not even be enough there to be good friends. Let this one go. Somewhere there will be another man who is easy to be with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2013
Wed, 06-05-2013 - 10:46am

#1:  If you had to prompt him to apologize, then it wasn't an apology.

#2:  He's telling you that he wants to just be friends.  Believe him.

#3:  Calling him names was uncalled for.  If I was him, I'd write you off because you sound like drama.  Don't demand answers from him.  He owes you nothing.

He doesn't sound like a desperate or lonely man.  You sound like the desperate one.  Even if you corner him into a relationship, it won't work out.  Have you considered counseling?   

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2013
Wed, 06-05-2013 - 8:27pm

Solarcycle, why do you think it won't work out if we get into a relationship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Thu, 06-06-2013 - 1:07pm
Why do you think that it will work out, given all the info you have provided
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2013
Thu, 06-06-2013 - 3:27pm

I just thought that maybe the good parts of him and that we share, faith, laughter, common goals (this is true only if he is serious about moving out of his parents' home like he says he is) would give us an opportunity for a great relationship. Although, everything I've seen shows me he is too comfortable in his parents' home. The problem is the communication part. He hangs up, runs away, withdraws when I bring up things/issues that he doesn't like. After telling me that I could ask him "anything" and how open he was when we first began to plan dates, I wanted to ask questions about his prior 20 year drug addiction, so that I knew what I was dealing with. That night I asked questions, we were in his car. He got defensive, didn't want to talk about it, accused me of attacking him, started his car up drove really fast and got in front of my house, and rushed me rudely out of the car. He sped off, not even waiting until I got safely inside on a darkened street.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Thu, 07-04-2013 - 9:46pm

So what are your thoughts at this point?  What have you, decided or have you?


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_

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