Marriage Cross Roads

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Marriage Cross Roads
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 12:55pm
In thirteen days I will be 31 years old. My eldest daughter,who was 10 in November, has gotten her period, my second daughter, who is eight, is an attention getter, my third daughter, who is 4 is still sweet and my son is 1 going on 30.

Last month I celebrated my 9th wedding anniversary, but I am not IN LOVE any more. My husband is wonderful, a provider and a man of great faith. I love him, I feel secure around him, but I am afraid the passion is gone. And it is showing up now in bed, no passion. I told him that our life is to boring and we need to do something urgently because we are in danger of losing each other.

I dont want to make it a sex thing, but I dont feel sexy around him, I feel like his roommate with sex on the side. This has been an on going thing for a while, we are both working and with four children, house chores and little exact cash for anything beside the bills, our relationship is dying a slow painful death. We are not fighting we are just co existing and raring are children together...

My husband is a dibetic and experiences ED so I dont want in to seems that I am not there in sickness...but I dont want life to pass by and we dont enjoy it together.

Please help...

PS: Honesty and compassion is greatly appreciate from all.

Avatar for cl_mothermel32
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 04-03-2003 - 8:39am
It's understandable that with 4 kids and one of those being only 1, that you do not have much time (or any!) left for you and your husband. What you have to do is make time whether it is a weekly date night or even every 2 wks/once a month, you have to find the time to spend with each other. And to reconnect with the person you married not the Mom and Dad roles. Eventually those kids will grow up and be out of the house and you will be left with each other. It is very important to be connected as a couple and in order to keep that connection you and he both have to work on it. It sort of sounds from your post that you are waiting for your husband to make a move or take action to focus on you.

If I'm wrong about that I'm sorry but if I'm right then you are making a mistake. You have to get yourself going, you have to set time aside as well. Women need to have our minds stimulated in order to feel physically stimulated. For example if you had an evening out to look forward to you find yourself all day in a good mood, getting a little excited because you knew you were going to go out later and have fun. This is the work part of the marriage, when you have been together for a long time, have many demands on your time and it is work at first to remember that you are a woman with wants and needs and you need to put yourself first once in awhile. You've had to put the kids, house etc, first and have put you and your husband on the backburner. This happens to all of us I think in any long-term relationship. What my husband and I did was began utilizing babysitters we trusted and joined a club. It is a club where we all have the same common interest and we have met alot of new people and there are alot of funcions/parties to go to every week if we chose to go. So in doing something we both like and not having to worry about the kids we are able to be just "us" which of course brings us closer together emotionally which makes being physical easier. I think if you chose something to do as a couple, then the next time your husband choses what you do, it will soon help you both reconnect.

Now I am not sure what you are referring to with your husband experiencing ED but being diabetic shouldn't stop him from being romantic once in awhile. It is something you both have to do, stop talking and start doing. Passion evolves, you never the same kind of passion as when a relationship is new but it does deepen. Good luck.



iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Thu, 04-03-2003 - 8:56am
thank you Mel for the time you took to respond and your advice.

greatly appreciated.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 04-14-2003 - 5:42pm
I have the same problem but no kids and only married a few years. i told my dh that i was unhappy and the whole thing blew up months ago and now he moved out. I am afraid that it is too late and i am making a mistake and now i don't know what to do - we are both so stubborn and he has already told me that things will never be the same between us.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Tue, 04-15-2003 - 11:21am
My husband is away because of his job, my last daughter asked me if I missed him, I could not say yes and I know she wanted to hear that. I realize that my feelings for my husband has been damaged by the emotional distance before he left. I just waiting to see if there is any hope for our marriage when he gets back.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2000
Tue, 04-15-2003 - 4:36pm
This is not an unusual situation. If things have gotten boring, it's up to the two of you to jazz it up, it isn't going to happen by itself. Don't split up over boredom, at least not until you've given things a chance to improve. If it stays boring, it'll be because neither of you tried hard to change that, right? You have four kids to consider here, their lives would be turned upside down if you'd split up. It's time for counseling, if you'd said there was violence in the house or if he sounded like a bad guy, I'd say just get out, but that isn't the case. ED just goes hand in hand with diabetics, and I have no doubt the ED makes him much less inclined to initiate sex in the first place. Sex may never be quite the same as it once was, but it doesn't have to be dead. Only you know which issues are deal breakers to you, but counseling is definitely in order here. A relationship that was once pretty good deserves that, don't you think? You spelled out fairly well how things stand, you deserve some professional help.



iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Tue, 04-15-2003 - 5:08pm
Hi Joanna

You are right! I did suggest that we go to counselling but my hubby is a very private person and is not interested in talking to anyone about something that is so private, the only reason he discuss it with me was after the baby borned he did not touch me for almost three months. And during the pregnacy less than 5 times.

I was so hurt by this that I was ready to leave from than. I am a committed wife and mother but I am a woman. I have not been intimate with anyone else for ten years and I am 31 yesterday. I can not imagine my live atleast the passion in my live ending right now. He seems so satisfy with is carreer and his son, some nights he climb in bed and I see his back until the next morning. My hubby is the best lover I ever had and to go from sex atleast 4-5 times a week to 2 time a month is like ...

I enjoy living and believe life is to be lived, passionately and I will try to restore what we had but it is frustrating.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 04-16-2003 - 2:03pm
Don't leave yet!!! My husband and I have been married 14 years. We went through a period like this and we did indeed get through it!!

My sister-in-law told me once (the best advice I ever got) that marriage is like a roller coaster - there will always be ups and downs. Boy was she right!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Wed, 04-16-2003 - 4:34pm
hey Shari...

Boy doesn't those downs get pretty low, LOL! But despite how I'm feeling and how badly I want to go...I am sure my husband is a wonderful man, I'm not so sure about anyone else.

So hopefully a few years down the road I can share your story. Thank you!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 9:55am
Thank you all for your encouragement and for taking the time to care.

My husband and I spend the weekend going to be alright.

We know that it is going to take a greater effort on both parts and we agree that it is worth it.

thank you!!:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 5:25pm

I am new here, but couldn't help but be touched by ur dilemma and wanted to respond quickly.

My husband is also diabetic and suffers from ED. I have been through the gammit with him, sexually and communication-wise. I hope things work out for u and ur hubby. If u need someone to chat with occassionally who knows what u are going through please feel free to email me

take care and all the best