Mother wants to keep in touch with my ex

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2013
Mother wants to keep in touch with my ex
Sun, 01-13-2013 - 1:21am

I've search high and low for a place to unload and hope someone out there can help put perspective on my situation.

Long story short - girl meets girl, girl moves across country to live with boy, girls Mother (or should I say girl who was always a Mother to her Mother throughout her repeat need for support?) pays a short visit, girl and boy split up, and Mother is intent on keeping in touch with boy (while still unloading her own issues on girl). Mother thinks boy is the cats meow and pays no attention to her daughter explaining the reason why she left was because boy was actually a little boy who wanted a Mother, not a partner. She just keeps telling her that SHE thinks he's super and a real catch. 

I want no links to this guy - I gave and gave and gave to the point of exhaustion, if not humiliation - and at a time when my Mother, who I've always supported, could show solidarity, she calls to tell him she thinks he's  great, wants to keep in touch and exchanged phone and email details. Ummm... the very same day I was packing my things up in a moving van.  

I really don't think my Mother is upset for me - she's upset for herself. She had a horrible relationship with my sisters former husband (which ended years ago but she is still hurt they never bonded) and she's always pinned her hopes of a happy MIL/SIL scenario on me providing it for her. It didn't matter what I went through, it matter what she wanted for herself, out of my relationship. And appears intent on still getting.

"It didn't work out for her, but look - he still wants to keep in touch with me!"

She's protected from hitting another low while I am swimming in it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Sun, 01-13-2013 - 2:38am

Hi EvaR  ~

When I told my mother I was separating from my alcoholic, verbally and emotionally abusive husband her response was, "Poor Jim".  After we divorced, my sister gave him furniture, did his laundry when he was sick, etc.  Yes, I felt disrespected, slighted and more.  To be fair, I am also guilty of not sharing with them the full extend of our relationship and his behavior; not sure it would have made a difference, but they only knew the surface stuff, which was largely alcohol.  Still, I can't say it would have made a difference, I wouldn't be surprised if they (my mother and sister) still sided with him.  I say "sided with him" because it felt like they were choosing him over me, and I do think they thought I did him wrong, but who knows.

The bottom line is this:  Their relationship with him is theirs, not mine.  It always was, always will be; I have no place in their relationship. That's the way it should be.  It's the same with you, your mother's choice to continue her relationship with him is her choice.  Your choice is not to be involved in it.  You should make it clear to your mother that you want no contact with him and you do not want to be made aware of their communication -- she should keep it to herself.  If she doesn't, then you can distance yourself from her in order to keep from hearing updates. 

Something I can't help but sounds like your boyfriend choice and your mother are very much alike; you mother your mother, then choose a boyfriend who requires mothering as well.  (It's possible that your mother's attraction is because they DO have much character in common.)  Have you considered seeing a therapist to work on how you deal with your mother and, as a result, improve your relationship choices?

~ cl-2nd_life