My husband treats me like an emotional punching bag

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2014
My husband treats me like an emotional punching bag
9
Tue, 08-19-2014 - 10:49pm

My husband and I have been together for 14 years and married for 10 years. We have 3 small children. The oldest is 7. I have had type 2 diabetes for 7 years now. I control it with my diet and a pill twice a day.  My husband got diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes 3 years ago and has recently been changed to type 1 diabetes.  He works a full time job. I am a stay at home mom. I have tried to get a job several times but he always comes up with an excuse as to why I cant take that job or why I dont need a job but yet he ALWAYS throws the fact that I dont have a job and that he makes all the money in my face. I am not the best house keeper but our house is clean and we do have 3 children. I cook every meal for him. I pack his lunch for work. I lay out his clothes for him to wear every day. I take his lunch, water, and everything he needs for work and put it in his car for him every day before he leaves. I take care of the kids. I take the oldest to school and pick him up every day. I take them to their sports practice and games. I do a lot.  The one time I asked him to stay with the kids because I had to be at a meeting for church and couldnt bring the kids, he didnt last 5 minutes. He was calling and yelling at me to get home because the kids were driving him crazy. I feel like he doesnt give me the credit I deserve for everything I do. No appreciation. I know he makes all the money but he has a cush job that he goes to for 8 hours a day and he mainly sits there and chats with everyone or watches tv all day.  Then he comes home and the yelling begins. He yells at me because dinner isnt ready on time because I had a child sick throwing up in the bathroom. He yells at me because he is telling me some story some guy told him at work and I break eye contact with him to peak at our kids. He yells at me for anything and everything I say. I ask him a simple question about anything and he yells at me like im an idiot or like I should be able to read his mind. If he loses his keys or anything he yells at me because some how or some way or another its my fault he couldnt remember where he put it. The list goes on and on and on and on. The yelling goes on and on and on and on. I am so emotionally and physically drained. I have thought about leaving him numerous times but I cant. For one...the kids. For two...when we met, I gave up college to be with him. Since he will not allow me to go back to school or get a job I have no experience in anything and I cant get a job that I would be able to support my kids and I with. I am scared to be on my own now since it has been so long. He has family who can help him. I have no family and no friends (other than my church family). I only want him to see how he treats me and stop treating me this way. I have to wonder if its not his medication or something thats making him act this way. Any suggestions? Please be kind. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

Since you go to church, I hope you will go to your pastor and talk about what is going on at home--you need someone on your side.  You should also look for the domestic violence center in your area and talk to a counselor.  Make no mistake--you are a domestic violence victim even though he hasn't hit you (I hope).  Believe it or not, you do not need your DH's permission to get a job or go to school--however, since he will probably make your life miserable if you exert any independence, you need a plan and I think it's a bigger job than we can tell you.  The big issue is that you have little kids.  If you got a job now, you probably could not make enough money to cover daycare, so what is the point? 

I would suggest standing up to him, but I don't know his personality--do you think it would make him become violent?  But I definitely believe that old saying that we teach people how to treat us--he yells and you do whatever he wants, so he keeps it up.  I mean, did he just start yelling all the time when he got diagnosed with diabetes or was he always like this?  There was a time when you had no children--if he was yelling then, that would have been the time to tell him that you will not put up with being yelled at and demanding to be treated respectfully, but if he has been like this for your entire marriage, he is not about to change, so the only thing you can do is figure out how YOU can change your situation to get out of there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2014

He hasnt always been like this. It started about 3 and half to 4 years ago. Thats why I have to wonder if it has something to do with the diabetes.  Also, since he got diagnosed with type 1 and started on a new medication his mood swings got a lot worse. I am a very private person to the people around me and I hate for people to know my business especially since we live in a small town. That is why I have not gone to my church with this problem. He is not the type to ever become physically abusive thank goodness but the mental part has really hit me hard. I will look up and see if we have a domestic violence center here. Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Tue, 08-19-2014 - 11:56pm

Since the mood swings and demeaning treatment started at the time he was diagnosed with diabetes it does seem like there is a connection. Have you researched online if there is a known side effect of such behavior from his medication? Regardless, his doctor should be made aware of how he is acting because it is not normal or acceptable. Maybe a different medication would work better. Because of privacy laws his doctor cannot tell you anything about his case unless your husband has given permission, but you can still tell the doctor things. And if you and your H see the same doctor he might say more since he knows you.

I understand about the small town and not wanting people to know your business, but you'd be surprised what people figure out anyway. And your pastor is supposed to honor confidentiality, do you have reason to think that the pastor will tell others things that you tell him you want kept private? In the end you may have to weigh your need to take care of your emotional and physical well-being over the risk of the small town gossips getting wind of your problems.

If there is no domestic violence center in your town there is surely one in the nearest large metro area, or a national number to call. Maybe they can suggest things for you, a counselor, a support group, etc. When you have people reinforcing that you are not the one with the problem you may start to feel more empowered to demand that your H treat you better. Best of luck in this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

He has not SO FAR been physically abusive, but with the personality that he has, it will come.  He is angry.......and you are his punching bag.  Everything that's wrong in HIS life is your fault.  This is a man who doesn't like himself, and so he tries to beat you down mentally and verbally, so that he can feel that he's better than you.  Whether you want to admit it or not, you are being abused!  AND, your children witness this abuse, so they are also being abused.  Verbal abuse IS abuse!  Your children see this, and they learn from it.  If they're boys, they learn that men are nasty to women.  If they are girls, they're learning that when they grow up, a man will treat them this way, and it will be ok!  Don't think just because he hasn't laid hands on you so far, that it's not abuse!  It IS abuse!  Please call the National Domestic Abuse Hot Line, and they can suggest ways that you can get help.  The number is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).  It's either that, or continue the way you are.  You could also some day instead of ASKING him if you could get a job, just go out and get one......you need it for your own mental health.  You aren't his prisoner.  Even as his wife, you have a mind of your own, and can make your own decisions.  I passed an Aldi store last week that had a sign out....Cashiers wanted $11.50 an hour.  You don't need a college education for that!  You said YOU gave up college to be with him......I'm sure it wasn't your idea.  It was his idea, and it was the beginning of his controling you.  And as for being a private person, we are all private people, and we don't like to air our dirty linens in public, but sometimes you have to do that just to stop the abuse!  Please understand that you ARE being abused, and it won't stop unless YOU stop it.  You also should call HIS doctor and ask if any of the medication he's on would cause anger........but I think he's always been this way.......you just didn't see it at first.  I was married to a controller too, and I didn't see it.  Only after I got a divorce my friends all told me they saw his controlling ways while we were still dating!  You can't change him, you can only change yourself.

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Registered: 08-19-2014

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Registered: 08-19-2014

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Registered: 08-19-2014

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Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006

Oh sweetie, you have to find someone local you can talk to about this.  I was also wondering if he was always like this, of which it sounds like he has not.  

So, I am curious, have you discussed the personality change with him at all?  Does he see that he is different?  Or that things seem to bother him now that didn't used to?  Does he go to church with you?  Does he exhibit the same mood around others?  

For example, my DH can be an ass sometimes.  But it is not just with me or at home.  He can be an ass to anyone, and all of our friends and family know that.  He doesn't put a show on for others then come home and turn into Mr. Hyde.  He is who he is.  

So I am thinking if his moodiness is only with you, I am a little more concerned.  I dont know, maybe I am wrong.  

Call his doctor and hopefully you have signed something so the doctor can talk to you. Even if he can't, I would think you could pass on this information to him.  

But with all of that said, first things first.  You need to find someone in real life that is local to talk to.  

I hope for your family this is partially due to the medications, but I would still suggest you seriously look at doing something for yourself, regardless of whether you stay married or get divorced.  Trust me, there is ALWAYS as way to get out.  And if he is not physically abusing you, do as much as you can while you are still together.  And if he is able to change, then GREAT!  You can continue to with the positive things you have started.  

(((Hugs))) and keep us posted..

Serenity CL making a marriage work

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006

I'll be honest.You need to find a way to leave him PERIOD! Forget about sticking around for your kids.You never married your kids..you married HIM and he's treating you like crap and it will NOT change.This is where he has wanted you for the longest time...you being at his beck and call.You left college because of him...you don't work because he doesn't want you to YET he LOVES to make you fel like crap by saying how HE makes all of the money....Look you need to look around for a shelter that will take you and your kids because he sounds like the type that thinks that NOTHING is wrong and he doesn't seem like the counseling type..you are wasting your precious time and health on him..you're sick too!! You need to  take care of yourself so that you will be around for you AND the kids.Please get out because he will NOT change for the better..only worse..