Need some advice please... my husband has extreme anger issues!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2012
Need some advice please... my husband has extreme anger issues!
10
Sat, 12-08-2012 - 1:54am

I will try to keep this as brief as possible. I am an American who moved to another country to be with my now husband. We met a four years ago while he was on holiday in the states, and we both came and visited each other over the next year and a half before deciding that we wanted to get married. While we were dating everything went pretty good, and he was a different person then. I moved overseas nearly two years ago, gave up everything I owned, and had to rely on him financially during the visa process as I was not allowed to work. Now everything has changed. I see my husband for the person he really is, and he has extreme anger issues and mood swings. He blames me for everything and just the littlest thing will set him off, like a car driving down the same street as him. He screams at me and acts totally irrational when he is angry. The only way he will stop is by humiliating me, telling me to get down on my knees and beg him for forgiveness, etc, when I haven't even done anything wrong. He puts me down all the time making fat jokes and other negative comments, but when I call him on it he says he is just joking. He is also a compulsive gambler, which I didn't know until I moved here. He will gamble everything and ignore all other expenses. When I try to talk to him about it, he just denies it. We had planned on having a baby, but I have put that off for now and told him I don't want to have a baby until he goes to Anger management. He denies he needs help, and I honestly don't think he will ever go.

I don't know what to do in the situation I'm in, because like I said I have given up EVERYTHING I own to come here. I have no credit cards, no money, no family to help me out... nothing. And I'm not even sure yet if I should leave. I am so confused and depressed, and can't believe my life has turned into this. I love my husband, but at the same time, he is making me fall less and less in love with him by doing the things he does. 

If anyone has been through a similar situation, or can give me some advice, I would appreciate it. 

Thanks in advance.

A.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2009
I hate to say it but it probably won't change unless he takes owndership of his problems. You can't force someone to see something they refuse to recognize. I'm really sorry you are in this situation. I really am and especially that you feel so alone and cut off from your family and life. Maybe you could seek counseling to explore your options and find solutions. There are quite a few resources for emotional abuse (that is what he is doing to you). It is manipulative and controlling behavior and honey don 't live that way. It doesn't change. Trust me I know. There are periods where there's calm, love and peace but they don't last and nothing will make sense in your world. You'll always be on eggshells. It isn't worth it. You are worth more than that. Read and take some time to yourself. Find a couselor or at least a friend. Ultimately perhaps you could go back to the states for a while or at least start making plans to do so. Write on this board here or the domestic and emotional abuse board. I wish you the very best.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004

I am really sorry your dreams have been dashed in this heartbreaking and perhaps frightening way.  The thing is, this isn't an anger management issue, and asking him to attend anger management classes won't help.  This is a control issue.  Your husband is abusing you to maintain control over you by scaring you (his irrational outbursts of anger), humiliating you, gaslighting you (denying problems that are obvious to a rational person), and and blaming you for everything.

As you realize, this is not going to change, and it would be a major mistake to have a baby with him.  A common abuser tactic is the "barefoot and pregnant syndrome," in which the abuser moves the victim away from her support system, keeps her from having access to money, and tries to get her pregnant, sometimes by sabotaging her birthcontrol efforts.  Once a woman has a child with a man, it is that much harder for her to take the risk of leaving the only support she has.

I want to invite you to post on the Domestic Abuse forum-http://www.ivillage.com/forums/love-sex/crisis-resources/recognizing-dealing-domestic-abuse.  This is a supportive community of women who are or have been in situations like yours, and can offer compassionate suggestions and advice.  We hope to see you there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

You should do everything in your power to leave unless you want to live like this for the rest of your life because he won't change.  He won't go to anger management classes unles he believes that he has a problem, which he doesn't.  He wants to convince you that you are the problem.  I was married to a guy w/ bipolar disorder who acted a lot like you describe your ex--like he would get irrationally mad if someone parked in front of our house on the street, even if it didn't affect him (that wouldn't be at me, but he got mad at me for some pretty stupid things).  He'd be yelling at me (thankfully there was no physical abuse) and then criticize me for looking like I was afraid of him!  Luckily I did have my own money & got a divorce.  I feel sad that you have no money or assets.  Do you have any close friends from the states who you could borrow some money from if you explained it was an emergency?  Is there a domestic violence agency where you live?  Could you even go to the American consulate and ask for their help?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2009

Does your husband have problems with anxiety, depression, or insomnia? The natural supplement 5-HTP helps with all three things. It is the precusor to the neurotransmitter serotonin which the human body itself synthesizes from the protein fraction (amino acid) tryptophan. The reason I bring this up is I was just reading how adequate seriotonin levels reduce anger and anti-social behavior. If you can get him to take 5-HTP for one of those other conditions, maybe it will lead to him becoming more agreeable in his behavior. Good luck. I'll say a prayer for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2009

The American Women Overseas Domestic Violence Fund (AOWS) 866-USWOMEN

Please see the above information and the website http://www.866uswomen.org/

It is a crisis center for American Women Overseas with an international toll free number and lots of resources. Please call them and speak with them. I'm sure they have additional information about what American women living overseas can do to get out of your situation. Please go there. I've been in my I guess somewhat abusive relationship for almost eight years, though honestly I still have trouble using that word even after my husband has poured gasoline on me and threatened wide eyed with a light to set me and the house on fire and peed on me . You don't want things to come out like me. Really. I have zero self esteem and feel pretty worthless. Honestly even given the really frightening and scary things my husband has done, the emotional berating, dehumanizing, humiliating, mocking sarcasm, anger, and especially the contemptuous put downs about how weak, irrational, crazy or just plain not good enough are worse. You at least sound like you have some understanding that what he does causes you to see him differenly and with less loving eyes. That is GOOD!! Keep that mentality and don't let him rob you of it. All I feel is like I deserve or at least probably deserve every degrading assessment my husband provides. It is no way to live. Call the overseas hotline. Get some resources and information. And like the other ladies said, reach out on the domestic abuse message board. Best wishes.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

  Go to the American consulate.  There are loans to get you back in the states.  Depending on what country you are in there maybe facilities to aid you.  This situation is bad and leaving is the best option.  

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006

Frown You need to leave this person NOW!!! There is this book called "Why Does He Do That?" Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft.

You really need to read this.He is doing this on purpose to conrol you.He knows what he's doing.He will NOT change unless he WANTS to change.What you need to do is to call your family members and make a quick plan to leave.Make sure your Visa is where you can get in in a hurry.You need to gather up money from your family members and leave to go with them now! The more time you waste dealing with your husband...the more time you're wasting.He will probably say that he will change only to bide himself some more time to figure out how to make your life more miserable.Please leave this person as soon as you can!

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001

Ashymashy, what did you end up doing?  How are you now?  Please let us know ~


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2012

Hi ladies,

I'm sorry I haven't been able to get online for a while. When I finally did, I was overwhelmed with emotion at all of your responses. I am so greatful to all your suggestions and support. I am happy to feel like I do have some options, and I am looking into them. 

I am currently trying to save up some money and bide my time to get out of here. I don't know when that will be. I am not saying anything at all in the meantime, just trying to get through it. 

Once again, thank you so much for all of your feedback and suggestions, I truly appreciate it :) 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004

Ashy, please keep posting, so we can provide you with support and a place to vent.  And don't forget about the Domestic Abuse board: http://www.ivillage.com/forums/love-sex/crisis-resources/recognizing-dealing-domestic-abuse