new here & wondering if it's me
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|Mon, 08-25-2014 - 11:51pm|
Hi. I am new to Ivillage. Hoping I am posting in the right area. Sorry this is so long.
Here's the situation. I am 48 years old. The man I am dating is 51. We have both been married before (20+ years for both of us). We both have children from our previous marriages. His children and grandchildren love me, and mine love him. We met a little over a year ago on a dating website. I have a full time job. At the time we met, he was not working due to an accident. He has recovered and started working a couple months ago.
Over the past year, there have been times when I have looked at him and thought 'good lord, what am i doing?!'. He is sweet, passionate, funny.... sounds perfect right? I thought so when I met him. 4 months after we met/started dating, I asked him to move in. Then about a month after that, I asked him to marry me. I was so happy....but then everything started changing. He started showing his true colors. As much as I hate to admit it, I was supporting him. I was paying for his cellphone, his meds... he was living with me. I was ok with it tho, because he was helping me... he would clean the house, do dishes... cooked dinner all the time. And yes, I made enough to support us both. But, after about 6 months of living together, I began to feel like he was using me. As I have said, he was out of work due to an accident. Many times, we have talked about his employment situation. He was waiting for a settlement. In February, his lawyer told him, that the insurance company has pictures of him carrying a table, moving boxes... stuff he did before we got together. It was then that I started losing respect for him. All I could think was that he was just looking for a quick buck. I kept pushing for him to look for a job. He kept taking his time and saying no one was hiring. McDonalds was hiring... it's a job. Anyway. Things got heated one night and I told him that he had to move out. He did. He went and stayed with his daughter. We were apart for about 2 weeks. I missed him with every ounce of my being. I cried all the time. I missed his laugh, his hugs... I missed everything about him. So, I called him, he came over and we talked. He said he would do whatever he had to do to make it right with me. He moved back in, but he hasnt changed :(
Here are a few things that have happened over the past 3 months. Please tell me your opinion....
His birthday. I bought him a necklace that he saw and liked. I took him to dinner at a nice resturant. When we got to the resturant, we ordered our drinks and dinners. I put the box on the table. I told him, that he had to wait til after dinner to open it. We talked, and laughed. Dinner was over, and the waitresses brought him his birthday dessert. I slid the box over and he opened it. He was so happy. We started to eat dessert and he took his cellphone out of his pocket and got on facebook. He was only on there for maybe a minute, but it still upset me. I didnt say anything then, even tho I just wanted to get up and walk away....and he knew it. He saw the look on my face and he knew I was pissed. After we left the resturant, I told him, that I was extremely upset. Told him that he made me feel as tho my company wasnt good enough. His arguement was, that he got on to look at something that he was thinking about buying for my grandson. I dont care what the reason was. It pissed me off. It could have waited for 1/2 an hour...til we left the resturant. He feels he did nothing wrong.
Sadly, his sister (not biological sister) passed away recently. On the way to the funeral, he reminds me about a girl that he had dated about 3 years ago, that remained friends with his sister (his sister and this other girl were friends long before he dated her). Anyway. when him and I got together, he described her to me as his stalker. She was constantly texting him and calling him (he wouldnt answer the phone to talk to her). One day, he finally told her that if she contacted him one more time, that he was going to press charges. She stopped. Anyway. On the way to the funeral, he told me she would be there. I said, as long as she has respect and doesnt start any shit, I could care less. We get to the funeral home and we were standing next to a truck talking to a couple of other people. His "stalker" pulled in, got out of her vehicle, and without missing a beat, walks up to him, hugs him and kisses him on the cheek. He hugs her back. She introduces herself to me and I politely said "yes. i know who you are". After she walked away, he turned to me and said 'wow. did you see that? she pulls in here and runs right to me?'.... what upset me, was the smirk he had on his face. And if that wasnt enough, he said it to me again about 1/2 later. Now, I am just getting pissed. I finally told him, " I saw.. I was standing right there ". I asked him why he didnt just turn around, or walk away when he saw her coming at him, or tell her to leave him alone. He had no explanation.
Another. The muffler fell off our truck. He called and was told to bring it in monday morning at 8am. Monday and came and went... he slept the entire day! Tuesday morning, I got up early, and as I am ready to walk out the door to take the truck over to be fixed, he says "wait. i will go with you". I told him not to bother. that if getting the truck fixed was important, that he would have done it when they asked him to bring it over....and not sleep all day.
The last discussion we had, he was saying that I am childish, selfish, over-bearing.... I just looked at him, and said "oh good. now we are into name calling". and I walked away.
I know he is not a motivated person (I wish I had known it sooner). I know he is insecure (he whines when I dont acknowledge him on facebook... it just facebook). Our sex life is great!! but even with that... I told him when we first met, that I have had a hysterectomy, and that sex is not that important to me. that I did not want a relationship based on it. I am happy with it once a week... he wants it every other day (literally). And he literally pouts when he isnt getting it... I told him, that is just sooooo not attractive.
I just cant take it anymore. I love him...but at the same time, dont see a future for us. I just dont know what to do.