Should I Co-Parent, as Promised?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2014
Should I Co-Parent, as Promised?
Mon, 08-25-2014 - 6:50am

Okay, so I apparently have a situation and most say they cannot help me: I am pregnant and me and the father just officially broke up. At first, we agreed to get pregnant and co-parent if things did not work out between us. So, to fast forward a few months later, after he said harsh things to me (he has a history of calling me out of my name-bt not this time), I wanted an out. The baby is the only reason he talked to me any longer bt when he, in my words, said I'm a burden, I said the baby was not his. I lied because I needed to cut off communication and plus, he accused me of cheating when I had severe morning sickness. I picked up on his insecurity-thinking I was cheating- used it against him, and now he has finally fallen back, even though its just been like, 4 days. So, a few people were the reason we broke up and they are confused, saying he might find out one day so you may as well tell him. But in the same instance, they turn around and say not to tell him because he will run off with the child. I was personsally thinking of just waiting to see if he contacts me within the next month and if so, tell him then-I kno, what a shitty decision. And if not, then hey, it is what is. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 08-25-2014 - 11:06am

So apparently you & your ex decided to have a baby together without having a commitment or stable relationship?  I don't think that lying about the fact that he is the baby's father is the solution to anything--first of all, don't you need child support?  If you are going to keep the baby, you need to be responsible and do what is best for the baby.  Unless this guy is someone who is going to be abusive to a child, the child has the right to know his father.  He can't just "run off with" the baby--if you file a paternity case, first of all the mother is the presumed custodial parent--he will have a right to visitation but with an infant it will be very limited.  But better to have the child grow up with 2 parents who are looking out for him and supporting him.  After all, if you decided not to tell the guy, wouldn't your child eventually want to know some day who his father is and why you have been keeping the father from seeing him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Mon, 08-25-2014 - 11:29am

Yes you should tell him that its his child and co-parent as promised. He has rights and responsibilities: to know his child and to support his child. You have rights and responsibilities too: a calm pregnancy without name calling and game playing (from both partners) and the responsibility to keep your promise and to be a good role model for this child you have chosen to bring into the world. Remember that your child will learn by watching how you behave.

Those people who were the reason you broke up? You should limit your exposure to them. You don't need that drama and confusion in your life. Try to surround yourself with mature and supportive people.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2014
Mon, 08-25-2014 - 4:29pm
I think legally and morally its the right thing to do, especially if your motivations are to get back at him. Its difficult to think straight during pregnancy due to hormones so take time with any decision. That said, I co-parent my 9 year old increasingly unsuccessfully with a father who is intelligent, wealthy and an average guy. We were married for 12 years and he was a reasonable dad when we had her first six years together. We have got to a place where he pays no child support, and appears to be distancing himself from our daughter in favour of his wife and two new babies. I understand that, but watching my daughter go through this is terrible and I wish she had no father than a crap one. It will be so hard to co-parent with someone who has never lived with the child, and with an acrymonious relationship. It may be better for you to raise her yourself if you cant rely on this guy and can't build a decent relationship with him for your child. It will destroy all your lives. Difficult choice. Only you can decide. Take your time.