Is this toxic?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Is this toxic?
4
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 12:49pm
I've been in a relationship with my son's father for 8 years now and its very confusing. We met in his city and I've travelled there several times since we've met. We were kind of forced into a relationship with each other because I got pregnant very soon after meeting him. When we met, he lied about alot. First his name...I still call him by the name he gave me when we met but everyone else calls him by his nickname(not the name he gave me)or by his first name. This makes me feels very stupid. Then he lied about having children...he had a 6 month old son and it may sound stupid but I always dated only childless men because I wanted to experience my first child with someone who was also having their first child. Then it took this man almost 3 years to even bring me around his life and by that I mean his home and family. It was easy to keep me from everything considering we only had a long distance relationship. When I did fly into his city we always stayed at a hotel(which I paid for). I only took my son with me a few times out of all the trips because I never had enough money in case of any types of emergency while there. To make this story short, I've always been the giver in this relationship even though I am the one responsible for our son, he's never paid child support. I've even sent money numerous times to help this man out of a jam. He never once asked me how I would manage if he needed me to send money. I've been sitting in my city alone now for 8 years with no emotional or financial help with my son not to mention being loyal to someone who's in another world. Why do I believe this man loves me? I've tried letting him go and even dated but when I did it was always with someone who reminded me of my son's father. Why do I continue to hold on to him so tight? Why am I so afraid of him hating me or cutting me out of his life when he's done so much to me?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 5:47pm
Get some counseling quick, honey. You do not love yourself nor care for yourself very much. You allowed your precious body to become pregnant and bear a baby for this "liar man who you did not know well". This baby you have to raise alone for 20 years. With no support. You need help to break away from the hope that this man loves you because he does not love you. You are just a "booty call" or "piece of ass" for him to use when you "pay" to go see him. He could care less about you and the baby. Please get help for yourself so you do not do this type of thing again. You have wasted years of your life with this man who does not love or want you. Please do not waste any more time seeing him...
Avatar for wishfulkittn
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 11:44pm
I agree...the fact that you have kept yourself in a situation like this SCREAMS that you have plenty of issues that you need to resolve. It would probably be best if you sought out some counseling ASAP.
Avatar for cl_mothermel32
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 8:40am
Only you can answer your questions, why are you hanging on to this guy who is clearly only using you? You have nothing with this man, what are you so attracted to? I agree you need counseling pronto in order to understand your actions and yourself. Look at it as if it were a friend: You live in another city with only you making contact to see each other he never comes to see you, he hasn't paid you one dime to take care of his child, you give him money and I'll bet you have never been repaid, and you have to stay in a hotel not at his house. He has other women he sees and has children by. You are being used very badly. Why do you have such little expectations for yourself in a relationship? You are not doing your son any favors either by remaining involved with someone who is only a sperm donar. Your son deserves a real man to be a father to him not a user and manipulator. Please seek counseling ASAP.

Mel

-Mel

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2002
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 12:02pm
You should also get yourself a lawyer and start MAKING him pay child support, the both of you made this child, the both of you should support it. There is no way you should put up with this, and continue to pay for his fun as well as for his child. This man is only going to continue to this behaviour until someone makes him change. Until you are clear of this man will you begin to see how toxic he is, and how you've completely lost yourself to someone who doesn't now, and probably never will, care for you the way you deserve, and be a father to your child. What a sad, sad situation, if you don't do this for yourself, do this for your child who is a witness to this whole scenario...would you want them to be the victim of the same type of person of whom you are currently a victim? You're an adult, you have a responsibility to yourself and your child to get out of this relationship, and get the financial support you are entitled. Call someone TODAY.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

.  -Albert Einstein