Verbal Abusive..why do I want him back though?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2013
Verbal Abusive..why do I want him back though?
11
Tue, 06-04-2013 - 6:31am

My boyfriend and I broke up in February after only 8 months. Our whole relationship was toxic. He started out jealous and it turned into verbal abuse to almost physical with him pushing me to the ground one night. He has started fights with me at bars when he sees someone looking at me and thinks I am flirting back.  He has called me c_nt and wh_re many times and has always justified his anger due to my behavior and action. It is always the blame game and I am always at fault. I have apologized and took ownership for a few things that I have done that was never cheating but would hurt the other person's feelings. He has gone through my phone, facebook and took my computer password to read my emails for a week. I was not allowed to speak to another man unless it was work related. Since we broke up I have tried to get back with him. He has said it is on his pace and I cannot get everything that I want all the time. He needed my behavior to stop being foul and disgusting first. I said I wanted to be exclusive and to maybe try counseling. That is the only way he will know about my "behavior". He just says that I need help and he is fine. So I have realized that these three months I have been pathetic with trying to get him back and reaching out to him. I feel used because when we would get together we would have sex...which then left me feeling sad after.

I know he still cares and still loves my son but it is now the cat and mouse game. I feel he is being manipulative. Everytime we start to talk or text hee turns everything around on me and my so called behavior. Everyone..and I mean everyone including my family does not understand why I want to fix things with him...and I am not sure why I still have strong feelings for him. He has me almost convinced that I am at blame but I do not think I am. Has anyone been through this situation. Is he just trying to hurt me because in his mind I hurt him?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Tue, 06-04-2013 - 8:35am

He started out jealous and it turned into verbal abuse to almost physical with him pushing me to the ground one night.

That WAS physcial abuse, not almost.  Please go take a look at the domestic abuse board and do ever allow this man back in your life. 

I know he still cares and still loves my son but it is now the cat and mouse game.

Please get this out of your mind right now.  He does not love your son (or you).  It is one thing if a woman wants to mess up her life and gets pushed around or beaten (even though nobody deserves that kind of treatement), but when you have a child, you are responsible for his mental and physical well-being.  Do you want your son grow up thinking it is OK to be rude and abusive to women?  Because this man was setting a very bad example and children learn by watching.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 06-04-2013 - 10:48am

This guy sounds like the most horrible and controlling person ever--so much so that you should be so relieved to have him out of your life.  I think he might have done some kind of mind games on you where he actually has you convinced that it was only because of your behavior that he acted so badly toward you.  "I was not allowed to speak to another man unless it was work related."  Excuse me--you are not ALLOWED --is this your parent talking?  any guy who tried to tell me that I could not talk to someone (we are saying TALK here, right? not have sex with) is someone you should not bother with.  And why would you want someone who showed that he had no problem being physically abusive to you--I suppose he made the excuse that it was your fault, that you drove him to this behavior.

Please find a support group for domestic violence or go to a counselor so you can understand why you would want to go back to an abuser because that is what this guy is, plain and simple.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2013
Wed, 06-05-2013 - 1:14am
Thank you for your responses. For some reason this is harder then when I divorced. I think because there is the cat and mouse game being played. Each day I have to remind myself of the fights and the tears and the name calling. If he loved me he would never say those things even if he is mad. I wonder if I will ever find another man but I know I will. I have to think about my son. If we got back together chances are he will be even less trusting and more controlling. Or can people change?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Wed, 06-05-2013 - 1:47am

He will not change. An example is that you suggested counseling and he said that he is fine, you are the one with the problem. A person has to accept that they have a problem before they can start to change. He's not ready for that. Meanwhile you need to move on in your life especially for the sake of your child.

Your ex is emotionally abusive in addition to being physically and verbally abusive. The emotional abuse damages your self esteem and makes you doubt your own judgement. You start to believe the negative messages that the abuser constantly tells you. That's why you apologized when you didn't do anything wrong, why you took the blame for things that were not your fault. I was once in that situation too; its hard to see what's happening when you are in the middle of it.

You are lucky that you got away from him! Do not get drawn into his manipulative behavior, the cat and mouse game. Stay around people who support you getting free of him. Nothing good will ever come from a relationship with this man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2013
Wed, 06-05-2013 - 10:38am

Reread what you wrote, and you have your own answer.

You said your whole relationship was toxic.  You said it started with jealousy and escalated into verbal abuse followed by physical abuse.  He deflects blame for HIS actions on to YOU.

This relationship is not going to improve.  He is not going to change.  You are right that the relationship is toxic.  Even if you don't think that you deserve better, your child does.  By exposing your son to this jerk, he's learning how to (mis)treat women and that there are some women who will accept this disgusting behavior (you).  Why would you even want to go there?  Get out now. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2013
Wed, 06-05-2013 - 12:19pm
I definitely think I have traits of codependency stemming from my past marriage. I have to learn that I cannot fix everyone and I was probably drawn to this type of person and relationship. I am in counseling so hopefully I can rid this addiction and find a healthy relationship. It is pointless trying to get him to understand my feelings. I do not think his mind is capable of processing that and probably receives more control everytime I do reach out to him. I continue to act foul in his eyes and am just hurting my own self esteem in the process.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 06-09-2013 - 12:03am

When a woman allows a man to treat her like garbage, that's because she has a very low opinion of herself, and she will make excuses for him, and blame herself for his abusivie behavior.  You need to get some help for yourself, so that you learn to respect yourself!  A woman who respects herself will never allow a man to disrespect her.  She will never allow a man to put his hands on her, let alone push her down.  You need to keep your son away from this man, because your son will see his behavior, and will think that's how men treat women, and he will grow up the same.  Get yourself some counselling, and once you learn to love yourself, you will accept nothing less from ANY man!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2013
Mon, 06-10-2013 - 9:34am

I know how you feel. I can practically count on my fingers number of such cases, i can gaurantee u if u dont move out of relation quick u will only suck deeper in this hole and may even lose ur life or loved ones. So, stop living in false hope and get out. You and your son dont need such a Man trust me.. u r much better far away and independent and even if u dont find anyone later in life so what? independence and happiness is highest priority. You love ur son rite? so just move out of this relationship. He doesnt deserve this.

Avatar for lizmvr
Community Leader
Registered: 06-06-2001
Fri, 06-14-2013 - 6:21pm

Honestly, it doesn't seem to me that you are ready for a healthy relationship, and you should get counseling, for yourself, before you jump back into dating. Please, please, please focus on your son, and spend as much time as you can with friends and family that support you and your son in healthy ways. Your son, and you, need better father figures than this jealous guy was proving to be.

Liz


Clinical Research Associate


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http://www.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2013
Sat, 06-29-2013 - 3:46am
i can honestly relate to what you have written. i have been going through the same situation with my ex. i don't know why it has always been so important to me, but i kept hanging in there waiting for the part where he realized that i had feelings, and that i had put up with stuff that no person should. i was waiting for him to apologize for calling me horrible names and being so controlling and selfish. we had a few good moments in the last year, but i never thought i would see myself as the type of person that would be ok with the treatment i allowed. i am still embarrassed to admit to my friends and family that i had gone back with him after i told them all it was over for good. i am almost 40 years old, single and was pretty much sneaking around and hiding from everyone because i knew they would be so disgusted in the person i chose to "love". we finally have not had contact for a few weeks, and even now, i wonder what hes doing, but i know there is no way we could have worked that out. you are right, he had no way of understanding feelings. he's a narcissist and totally unable to feel any sort of empathy. i would have been waiting around forever if i wanted him to say, sorry and that he made a mistake the whole time and that he now realizes i did and gave everything i had for him and all he did was take more, and complain it wasn't enough. he, too said i needed to work on how i showed my love for him. i fed him, housed him, was the only friend that stuck around through all his lies and bullying. that did not make me some sort of saint, it made me a very sick person that needed-(and is now getting) help. i'm not sure what will work for you, but for me getting involved in co-dependents anonymous has really been a life changing experience. good luck to you and don't be so hard on yourself. we all want to have someone at the end of the day that knows us and loves us. i dont think theres anything wrong with that. we just lose our way sometimes. i pray we, as well as any others, find our way back.

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