Was it worth the Gamble?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Was it worth the Gamble?
10
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 6:01pm
My wife was put on some heavy duty pain medication due to an auto accident. She had some life-threatening side-effects including: drowsiness, dizziness, light-headed, too weak to get out of her chair, and some breathing difficulties. I noticed the breathing difficulty and the slurred speech.

I had been going to Karaoke for months. Initially, this was an activity that we did together. In November, our home based business changed and one of us had to stay at home. Since I was the singer and she wasn't, I went solo. But that's a whole different problem we are having.

Back to this one. My wife said she felt her life was in danger and she felt it was unsafe to leave her alone. She begged me, for this one-time, to pass on the Karaoke and stay home with her. Even after her showing me documentation of the dangers, I still felt that she was over-reacting to the whole thing. So I decided to ignore her pleas, and go ahead and go to my singing. My justification at the time was it was the last Karaoke session of the year, and I wanted to be sure and wish holiday greetings to all the new friends, both male and female, that I had made since I started going solo.

When I got back home, 8 1/2 hours later, I found her alive. I then told her that I guess I was right and she WAS over-reacting to the whole "danger" thing.

This has been a raging battle for close to four months now. She is ready to toss me out because of it. I feel that we can STILL get past this.

She feels that there is absolutely no way that I could care about her and still do what I did. I disagree. I feel that YES I made a stupid choice but just how much Hell am I going to have to take for this?

The bottom line: She asked him to stay at home with her on a night when she wa having a very bad, life threatening reaction to a medication. She asked me to stay at home and give up Karaoke that night to babysit her through what I thought was no big deal. I've taking grief for this for months now.

The questions I pose:

How do you get past this? What will I have to do to finally put this issue to rest and get on with a life together?

Help.

Jack

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 6:46pm
Will either of you consider couples therapy? You should, because 4 months is way too long. You have your point of view, she has hers. Without knowing the particulars, it's hard to say if your wife resented your going solo prior to the drug reaction incident or what. I can't help thinking it's not just about this one night, but perhaps more deep-seated issues. Whether or not it was worth the gamble, it's certainly not worth continually being miserable. I recommend getting professional help to sort this out. If the first therapist you find doesn't "click" with you as a couple, find another.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 6:55pm
Hi - just finished reading your post and I was heartbroken! It is time for you to become mature and put those vows you took on your wedding date to use! In sickness and health right?? Put yourself in your wife's situation and really be there for her! Take a leave of absense from your karokee! Time to get your prorities straight! I fully support your wife for being upset with you! Sounds like your wife deserves better!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 9:27pm
No. It wasn't worth the gamble...but I really think you knew that.

From your wife's POV:

She was feeling very sick, she was just in an accident, having bad reactions to the medication, showed you the proof that she wasn't just making things up, then you left for 8 1/2 hours. Nothing happened, and I am sure that you told her so. "See, nothing went wrong, you were imagining things"

OMG man!!! She feels as if you abandoned her for the night. And rightly so. I don't know what you can do to make this right, as she has a valid (very valid) claim.

Have you apologized? Or do you still refer to it as "She asked me to stay at home and give up Karaoke that night to babysit her through what I thought was no big deal. I've taking grief for this for months now." My lord! You still think this was nothing. Whether or not this was true, she really truly thought that she was going to die. I have been there before and, even with my husbands support, it isn't something easy to get through. She was alone, you were out partying, and you still think she was making it up.

Until you adjust your attitude, wholy and completely apologize from the bottom of your heart, and try to make it right (and I have no idea how), you will still get grief from her. Seeing a councilor may help, it can't hurt, but you have GOT to change your attitude.

And for the record, if my husband did this, I would have had the locks changed before he returned....period.

Ejkdmom Come visit my store: www.leorra.com
Avatar for cl_mothermel32
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 8:25am
I have to wonder about this post being real, the title does not jive with the post at all. But in case it is here's what I think: For anyone to ignore slurred speech and difficulty breathing to go out to socialize is selfish and stupid. It should have occurred to you that she may have been having a stroke or heart attack or an allergic reaction so severe that she would have been dead when you got home from socializing. You're quite lucky she wasn't dead when you came home or in a vegatative state, I could only imagine what your statement to the police have been "I thought she was overreacting and I HAD to give holiday wishes to my friends because it afterall it was the last Karaoke of the year. Yeah her speech was slow and she couldn't breathe well but I HAD to go".

And the fact that you didn't call home, have someone stay with her or call someone to check on your wife while you were out AND you were gone not for a couple of hours but for almost 9 only shows that you have more problems/issues here than a message board can help with. You both need to go to couples counseling to deal with all of your issues in order for this to improve or come to the realizaion that your marriage is dead. Whether or not you're upset because of the accident and how it changed your life, that is not her fault and you need to deal with the curves life throws you. That incident just may be something she will never get over, and rightfully so. You weren't there when she needed you. It's surprising that you are still together. If you want this to change seek counseling.

Mel

-Mel

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 1:09pm
I suppose it would help if I would clarify my choice of title. The Karaoke that I went to had a CHANCE to win $25. I omitted that part in my initial post. Sorry about that. My wife has since that night repeatedly told me "YOU WERE WILLING TO GAMBLE MY LIFE FOR A CHANCE TO PARTY WITH YOUR FIRENDS AND A SHOT AT 25 BUCKS. THAT'S THE VALUE YOU PUT ON MY LIFE". So the title was asking was it worth gambling her life.

Jack

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2002
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 7:31pm
What exactly, don't you understand about her reaction to your evident disregard for her feelings, her fear, and her emotional pain? I have a feeling, that this is NOT the only incident, but even if it is, I too would not forgive my husband very easily either. Then again, I don't have a husband like you (thank god), I'd probably have divorced you LONG ago. I hope your wife follows through with her threats, she deserves a lot better, and for you to STILL not understand the depth of what you did, and how it shook her to core, you should NEVER be in another relationship again. Go back to your Karaoke, maybe if you continue doing it for another 20 years, you'll finally win that precious $25.00 prize. Next time, gamble on your OWN life.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

.  -Albert Einstein

Avatar for cl_mothermel32
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 10:44pm
Your clarification doesn't help your side of the story at all, it only shows how much worse the situation is between you and your wife. You both obviously have more problems and issues that only a counselor can help you work out or show you that it is not going to work. By the way, how much money did you spend on drinks/food in those 9 hrs while out? I'll bet more than the "prize" and you stated originally you wanted to go out becaues it was the holidays. You didn't even try calling home to check on your wife's condition so yes, she is going to throw that in your face. An evening out was more important to you than her health, so you need to look at the reasons why that was.

Perhaps she will never stop throwing that in your face, but have you ever truly tried to apologise and mean it, and make amends? Your tone is one of "well she turned out to be right and I was wrong" but you don't seem to understand how serious it was, it was a possible life threatening situation. I don't think she wants to let it go and you can't force her to forgive you. Counseling will help you both find the answer one and resolve your issues.

Mel

-Mel

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2000
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 11:18pm
What can you do? Remember your vows....remember that bit about "in sickness and in health"? Well, that's where you are. She has a health problem serious enough to need to be on strong meds, she needed you, and you thought going out to try to win $25 doing Karaoke was more important than staying by her side. The problem is it sent a very loud message and she heard it loud and clear - she's not as important as that $25. This could have been reversed, it could be YOU in pain and on strong pills, so count your blessings and promise HER to do better. The side effects she has are probably terrifying, and you did say her request was a one-time request. You goofed, so apologize for both your words and your actions and learn to be more compassionate. Everybody gets sick and needs help, you will, too, one of these days.

 


~~joannaran~~

Avatar for big_concern
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Fri, 04-04-2003 - 7:17am
The real question is was it worth it to you…….?>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Sorry this is going to sound harsh……

As someone who has been in a serious accident and been TOTOALLY helpless, I know first hand what your wife must be feeling like. It’s not a good feeling to be dependent on someone else for your total care and even your life. Your scared, helpless, and when on drugs you are not yourself. Some of the pain meds I was on also made me paranoid and have anxieties. You feel like a burden to everyone and don’t know how to change that. You Thank the Good Lord for those people that love you enough to be there for you. I know what those around me gave up to take care of me, I know they needed time for themselves and time to get away. They took that time for themselves but someone was always there when I needed them.

Not only did you disregard her pleas to stay home with her, YOU LEFT HER TOTALLY ALONE. You didn’t even make arrangements for someone else to be there for her. Also your comment about “She asked me to stay at home and give up Karaoke that night to baby-sit her…”, BABY-SIT, I’m sure she picks up that that is the way you felt about taking care of her.

You even stated you were the one that notice the difficulty breathing. You NEVER, EVER leave someone alone that is having difficulty breathing nor someone that may not be able to get out of a chair to take care of themselves or even get to a phone if they do need help. Then when you did get home, you belittled her fears by saying “See guess I was right, you were over-reacting.”

My personally feelings are when you love someone and marry them, it’s a commitment to love, cherish and take care of them. It’s a trust that that person will always be there for you. Whether it be, being there physically or making arrangements that they will be taken care of. When you left her alone, she felt like you broke that commitment. She feels like you didn’t justify, understand her feelings or fears. It’s going to take a lot of work and time for the trust to be rebuilt.

Avatar for vampynox
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-04-2003 - 3:50pm
This doesn't even sound real. No adult human being would ditch his sick wife for karaoke. Please tell me this is a joke. If it isn't, you're lucky she was too weak to hit you with a frying pan when you came home.