Where to go from here?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2000
Where to go from here?
7
Tue, 10-30-2012 - 10:58am

I will do my best not to make a novel out of this...

I am 42 years old and have been strugling to find happiness my entire life.  I was born the youngest of four in a very dysfuntional family that was headed by two alcoholics that were always involved in some kind of illegal con or business.  We moved around the usUS constantly never living anywhere for longer than 6 months which I believe was due to my parents being on the run from the law.  Due to this, I developed people pleasing skills trying to gain friendships fast to soak up anything they could give me to feel secure and loved only to be moved once again and have to start all over.  I ended up preganat at 16 and in a marraige to a man almost twice my age.  Desperatly looking for security... Three children later I left that behind and was divorced and the mother of three before I was 21.  I found a man who seemed to have it all.  He had a family straight out of a norman rockwell painting.  I wanted so badly to fit in I did just about anything and everything to be accepted by them.  Unfortunatly, I wasn't.  I was viewed as a welfare gold digger with three kids.  His parents shunned me from the start and made it very difficult to be happy in my relationship.  Despite that we married and spent the next 20 years together.  I raised my kids the way I longed to be raised.  In a stable and happy home.  Scouts, sports, PTA the whole nine yards.  We became very sucessful in business togehter and had everything including a 6000 sq foot home in a prestigious gated community.  However, I could never shake that welfare gold digger reputaion.  Everyone looked at my husband with such respect and admiration for saving me, adopting my children, giveing us such a good life.  I was just someone he rescued out from underneath a rock in a back alley.  The more financial sucess we gained the more his ego became larger than life.  Money was all he cared about anymore.  He loved his rescuer reputation and took every opportunity to boast about it as if I had nothing to do with our success.  Again, I just wanted acceptance.  I needed to feel loved, respected and supported.  Our marraige ended and we went thru a divorce that took 5 years to finalize where basically I gave him everything so I wouldn't be looked at like a gold digger even though I spent 20 years working with him on our sucess.  I have had two very toxic relationships with men during that time (5 years) I found myself paying for everything and basically trying to buy happiness.  So, now our (my)kids are grown and moved out.  He is living in our 6000 square foot home with his new woman and I am living in a mobile home out in the middle of nowhere that was one of our rental properties and basically all I got out of the divorce.  I have recently cut off a lot of my family because they basically abandoned me when I had no more money to just give them.  So, here I sit in this trailer, in the middle of nowhere, all alone, depressed, lost and wondering what is wrong with me.  I have never lived alone and being alone is my greatest fear.  I am misserable.  I don't even know where to begin to try and find happiness anymore.  Im tired and just want to give up. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2002
Sat, 11-03-2012 - 5:47pm

Hi Taejax, I wish I could send you some strength during this tough time.  In reading your posting, I can see how your upbringing caused you to overcompensate for the actions of your family, and in fact deny your worth.  You need to start building up your self esteem and realize that people are going to say what they say, you have no control over that.  What you have control over is your reaction to what they say (or what you think they say).  That you decided to not get from your divorce what you deserved (and needed) because you were afraid of what others would think spoke volumes.  You did not speak about your relationship with your children, where are they now?  Can they help you out at all?  If you can begin to see past your past, and start planning on your future (do you work, have you thought about going back to school?), you may see there is more to your life.  I don't think you can see that now since you are so overwhelmed with your current situation.  I realize that you can't see a counselor immediately, but you can start right now writing down what you want to do with your life, what you want out of life for youself, for your children, etc.  This change is going to start and end with you.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

.  -Albert Einstein

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Tue, 10-30-2012 - 9:11pm

Oh Taejax, I'm so sorry.  What an awful thing to discover about your "friend" - what a horrible thing for a friend to do!  You have to feel betrayed by her too!  Please don't feel you're being "Debbie Downer" to us, this is what we're here for!  Your feelings are very understandable, truly.  Therapy will do wonders for your anxiety and feelings about being alone too, I promise.  

Not being able to get into therapy for over a week is frustrating, for sure. but not uncommon. Look at it this way - therapists who have wide open appointment schedules probably aren't very good therapists.  Those that are good have lots of clients so don't have as many openings.  The fact that you're waiting is tough today, but good in the long run most likely.

Please keep posting here.  Tell us how you're feeling, vent, cry, use us for a sounding board, a shoulder or whatever you need.  That's what the board is for.  

Huge hugs Taejax, this is temporary, it WILL get better.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2000
Tue, 10-30-2012 - 6:46pm

yes, I can see these.  4 replys in all.  I appreciate all the kinds words of encouragement.  I did actually call a few counsolers today.  Today has been especially tough.  However closest appt. was in a week in a half...ugh  I know I need to feel comfortable being alone it is just so foriegn to me.  I have severe anxiety about it.  everything is so different.  why should I cook? Why should I clean?  No one is coming over here anyway... I feel like such a debbie downer.  This is not like me at all.  Here I am at 42 years old and have basically nothing.  My best friend of 15 years I recently found out was having sex with my son.  So lost her too.  Just have no one to call and it feels horrible.  Sorry to dump all this on you all.  I just need a release before I explode.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2012
Tue, 10-30-2012 - 6:26pm

I can relate - different ends of the same spectrum.  I only wanted someone to love me - feel familiar?  I never found that either.  I found men who thought it was ok to take advantage of me - for whatever reason they wanted to take advantage.  I no longer look for someone else to love me.  I love me. I'm a nice person.  I shower daily so - I don't stink!  I work hard and I can now take pride in the things I provide for myself - without someone around to laugh when I have to go witout or 'make do' this time or save a little longer for the 'deluxe' model.   I take good care of the things I provide for myself - they last longer and are things I really wanted!  I am good to me.  Since no one else has been - I no longer leave that to chance.

My life is much happier without a man in it treating me like crap.  I would suggest you try that for a while and don't focus so much on being alone.  I know how hard it is being alone - I am too.  As one of 17 children, it is very frightening for me too since it is so unfamiliar.  After you get a chance to heal from some of the emotional bruising - you will find its ok if no one else is that good to you if YOU are good to you regardless what anyone else thinks or does or says ......

Heart66

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Tue, 10-30-2012 - 4:40pm

Taejax, the others are suggesting therapy because it's what you desperately need.  Working with a therapist to resolve those old issues and feelings will give you all you need to have the kind of life you've always wanted; one that's not just good by appearance, but good because it's strong, happy and healthy on the inside too.  You'll be amazed at what it will do for you.  I can attest to that because it's made that kind of transformation for millions of others and me too.  

Here is a link to find some qualified therapists in your area:

http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_search.php

iVillage is having some problems with the boards recently.  In case you can't find our Resources and Information section, here's the link.  You'll find lots of posts with good information about therapists there:

http://www.ivillage.com/forums/love-sex/relationship-problems/toxic-relationships/relationship-information-resources


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 10-30-2012 - 4:30pm

All I can think of to suggest is therapy.  You have so far based your life on what other people think of you.  Even though people might have been calling you a gold digger, the sensible thing to do would have been to get a fair distribution of property in the divorce--I'm surprised that a judge even gave the ok to this.  If you had self esteem you wouldn't have gone into other bad relationships after the divorce and tried to pay for someone to love you.  Until you can love yourself, you will never be able to have a satisfying relationship, whether it's with a man or friends.  You should focus on the positive things that you did--you raised your kids, you were a good mother and you helped your exH build his business, even though he didn't appreciate it.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Tue, 10-30-2012 - 12:31pm

This might be a good time to learn how to accept yourself. Once you do, it leads others to see you the way you see yourself and for those who choose not to follow your lead, so be it. Their beleifs will not over ride yours.