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|Tue, 10-30-2012 - 10:58am|
I will do my best not to make a novel out of this...
I am 42 years old and have been strugling to find happiness my entire life. I was born the youngest of four in a very dysfuntional family that was headed by two alcoholics that were always involved in some kind of illegal con or business. We moved around the usUS constantly never living anywhere for longer than 6 months which I believe was due to my parents being on the run from the law. Due to this, I developed people pleasing skills trying to gain friendships fast to soak up anything they could give me to feel secure and loved only to be moved once again and have to start all over. I ended up preganat at 16 and in a marraige to a man almost twice my age. Desperatly looking for security... Three children later I left that behind and was divorced and the mother of three before I was 21. I found a man who seemed to have it all. He had a family straight out of a norman rockwell painting. I wanted so badly to fit in I did just about anything and everything to be accepted by them. Unfortunatly, I wasn't. I was viewed as a welfare gold digger with three kids. His parents shunned me from the start and made it very difficult to be happy in my relationship. Despite that we married and spent the next 20 years together. I raised my kids the way I longed to be raised. In a stable and happy home. Scouts, sports, PTA the whole nine yards. We became very sucessful in business togehter and had everything including a 6000 sq foot home in a prestigious gated community. However, I could never shake that welfare gold digger reputaion. Everyone looked at my husband with such respect and admiration for saving me, adopting my children, giveing us such a good life. I was just someone he rescued out from underneath a rock in a back alley. The more financial sucess we gained the more his ego became larger than life. Money was all he cared about anymore. He loved his rescuer reputation and took every opportunity to boast about it as if I had nothing to do with our success. Again, I just wanted acceptance. I needed to feel loved, respected and supported. Our marraige ended and we went thru a divorce that took 5 years to finalize where basically I gave him everything so I wouldn't be looked at like a gold digger even though I spent 20 years working with him on our sucess. I have had two very toxic relationships with men during that time (5 years) I found myself paying for everything and basically trying to buy happiness. So, now our (my)kids are grown and moved out. He is living in our 6000 square foot home with his new woman and I am living in a mobile home out in the middle of nowhere that was one of our rental properties and basically all I got out of the divorce. I have recently cut off a lot of my family because they basically abandoned me when I had no more money to just give them. So, here I sit in this trailer, in the middle of nowhere, all alone, depressed, lost and wondering what is wrong with me. I have never lived alone and being alone is my greatest fear. I am misserable. I don't even know where to begin to try and find happiness anymore. Im tired and just want to give up.