Why are decisions so hard to make?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Why are decisions so hard to make?
4
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 5:45pm
I have been married for a little over 20 years. I have always been emotionally and socially the stronger partner. Over the years my husband has become more self centered and self absorbed. I recently found out he was having an affair. Now, I am not as willing to live with all his flaws. In addition, he is and always has been terrible at communicating. I always want to fix everything and have always done that. I told him I want the new and improved him or I want nothing at all. What amazes me is my head knows I would be better off without him my heart still loves him. Is it because I've known him for so long or do I really love him? And even if I do love him should I continue in a marriage where I am married yet always feel lonely? Is there anyone out there married to or in a simular situation? By the way the affair is over I know that for sure. He has actually said is isn't sure but wonders if he would be better off alone. We have three great teenagers. He does not really have a relationship with them either.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 10:21pm
lori,

This is a tough one. Are you currently separated? If not, I'd say this is exactly what a separation is for--when you're not sure if "the big D" is the right decision. Separation gives you both time and space to sort things out. You can't make a decision overnight about a 20-year marriage that will also affect 3 kids. I know a couple whose separation lasted 3 years, and then they got back together. If you can and haven't already done so, get some space and take your time. He may come around "new and improved" (maybe, who knows) or you may come to like your independence and freedom from his problems (if he's been a certain way all along, is he really likely to change?).

My guess is that your kids will understand if you choose to separate, and will respect you for just calling it quits right away. Kids don't like to see their parents unhappy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 7:46am
I have actually thought of seperating. I guess I worry about the financial burden it would cause. Our oldest child is starting college in the fall which will take any extra cash we have. I know it is probably stupid to worry about money whn yur life is coming apart at te seams. Thanks for your advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 1:23pm
It's always hard to make a decision that compromises the lifestyle you and your children are used to. It may mean your teens have to get jobs to help pay for their extras. You may feel guilty about this, but in the long run it will be good for them. You can still be there for them emotionally even if their father cannot. I'm sure you can find ways around any barriers to taking the timeout it sounds like your marriage needs. Good luck and hang in there!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Sun, 04-06-2003 - 4:37pm
I thought I posted this message last night, but I'll try again.

The reason decisions are so hard are because they involve a lot of pain. Either way.

If you stay, you endure at least mild pain. And if you leave, you'll probably go through more intense pain even if it is only short term. That's why I have not made a final decision. It's always more "comfortable" to just stay and hope things get better, or to try to make them better, see dh in a different light, ask yourself WWJD? Or stuff like that. Then of course they do something they've done over the years ONCE AGAIN and you're like oh yeah, that's why I wanted to leave so bad. Guess we gotta weigh one against the other. Good luck to everyone and cross your fingers for me.