Why can't he understand??

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2013
Why can't he understand??
7
Fri, 11-15-2013 - 12:01pm

Nevermind

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Fri, 11-15-2013 - 12:53pm

>>>I deserve to know why she thought it was a good idea to have an affair with my husband and why she thought it was her place to talk to my friends about my personal problems. I deserve an apology for her working so hard to hurt me and destroy my family.>>>

You don't "deserve" SQUAT from her.  You continue to blame this woman, when the truth is, if your marriage was happy and your relationship with your husband solid, she could have danced naked in front of him, and he wouldn't have responded.  It takes two.  Welll, actually, it takes THREE.  YOU are just as responsible, because YOU share the burden for the causing the problems in your marriage.

You also were foolish to expect privacy when you are having marital problems.  In the first place, believe me, EVERYBODY KNOWS.  In the second place, if your husband was upset enough WITH YOU to have an affair, why would expect him to comply with YOUR wishes?

It sounds to me, that you, as a couple, and you individually, have NOT adequately addressed the issues that caused your problems.  You have NOT admitted your role in the problems.   You both need marital counseling.  SOON.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Fri, 11-15-2013 - 1:34pm

I so agree with sabrtooth.  I'm reading your post, and all I see is SHE SHE SHE......as though you think your husband was/is just an innocent bystander while this predator inserted herself in his life (as well as yours).  If your husband didn't allow her to invade his life, she wouldn't have been able to do that.  If he didn't enjoy the attention, he would have stopped as soon as he realized it bothered you.  Your husband is an idiot!  He had no business sharing anything about your marriage with ANYONE......unless is was a marriage counselor.  Most adults know that any "secret" told in confidence will soon be general knowledge....but she was "there for him" in his time of need.....and probably was enjoying every minute of it.  If he was truly finished with her, he would block her from his life......but he's not doing that, so NATURALLY she feels free to keep in touch with him.  He doesn't seem to care about how badly she hurt you......when in reality, he doesn't care about how badly HE hurt you.  She was invited into his life, and had he been a stand up husband, she wouldn't have been.  And if he was a stand up husband NOW........she would no longer be in his life in any way shape or form.  Now you're reduced to spying on him to try to stay one step ahead.  That is no way to live!  As long as he doesn't cut her out of his life permanently, she still has "hopes" and will stay IN his life.

The two of you need to find a good marriage counselor, and work on the problems between the two of you......she is the symptom, not the problem.  To answer your original question, he UNDERSTANDS very well, but he doesn't really care how you feel.....if he did, none of this would have happened in the first place!   Good luck........

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2013
Fri, 11-15-2013 - 4:51pm

Wow! Thank you both for the harsh words. Thank you for making me feel even worse than I already did. Thank you helping me believe that this whole thing is my fault. Finally, thank you for telling all homewreckers that they have no responsibility in their affairs. They are blameless, even when they know the man is married and has children. 

I have held my dh responsible for his actions. I do blame him for his part and I have taken responsibility for my part. Giving up on a 25+ year marriage, including 2 kids is easier said than done. So I want to forgive my dh for this. 

I always thought that it was wrong to begin an affair with someone anyone, much less someone whose spouse you had been friends with. I though is was wrong to tell other people things that you were told in confidence. I always thought that women were supposed to be there for one another. 

You two and the other woman in this situation have shown me that it not the case. 

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Fri, 11-15-2013 - 7:11pm

 .  I have been on all sides of this.  I will say it is not her that wrecks the home it is the myths.  And your reactions.  Yes you are responsible how you handle this.  This is about you.  Nothing was done to you.   You had a belief stripped away.  That is all.  It will be your decision to destroy,or not.  There is no fault.  It just is.  Yes I'm sure you may have wanted an outpouring of emotive posts telling how bad the others are.  That really does not help.  Let the negative feelings burn through you let you veins feel on fire when the fire is gone you, a stronger you will remain.  The fire cleanses and negative emotions go with it.

Goldfish

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Fri, 11-15-2013 - 7:22pm

Justpeace,  I didn't  get to read your original post.  Maybe you should post on the betrayed spouses support board.  There are other people in your shoes who may understand your anger and offer you some healthy ways to deal with it--they have all been there before.  Many have been through it, lived through it and healed.

My best to you,

Ollie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Fri, 11-15-2013 - 7:48pm

Please, don't kill the messenger. The others may have been blunt but they are correct.

You are absolutely correct that it is wrong to have an affair with a friend's husband or anybody's husband for that matter. It is also wrong to pass on stories told in confidence. It is wrong to betray your friends. It is wrong to betray your spouse by telling personal information that the spouse would not want known. A trustworthy person would not do any of those, but apparently she is not trustworthy and neither was your husband at that time.

I think that part of your problem is in trying to see the woman as somehow your friend and that you and she still have some kind of relationship. IF she ever was your friend, she chose to stop that when she crossed the line with your husband. Even if she sat down to talk with you, there are no satisfactory answers about why she got involved with him. Or why she gossiped about your marital problems. There will be no closure from a conversation with her because there are no good answers. If she said "because I'm a sleaze" or "I'm just a horrible person" or "your husband needed me then" would that make you feel better? Probably anything she would say would disgust you.

Since she is not your friend she doesn't owe you anything and she probably would not be willing to give you anything anyway. The only way that you are going to find closure is by working through your feelings until you arrive at a place where you can forgive your husband.

IMO the blame falls squarely on your husband, the woman was just a convenient excuse. He should not have been telling her private details or allowing himself to become emotionally involved. Your husband is the one who made a committment to you, the woman did not. Now that he says he has ended it he needs to set a firm boundary with her: no calls, texts, photos, etc. No contact whatsoever. He needed to make it clear to her that he is working on rebuilding his marriage and regaining your trust, and she is permanently out of his life. If he doesn't do that, then the affair is not completely over.

Your husband needs to be doing whatever it takes to let you trust him again. You should be able to look at his phone, emails, computer, whatever. He needs to be patient and understand that it may take a long time for your marriage to return to normal. Maybe the reason that you are still so uneasy is because you sense that your husband has not completely closed the door on this woman, and since you want to believe in him you blame her. You should seek marriage counseling, and counseling for yourself also.

Since you have deleted your original post I don't remember what your husband doesn't understand but I think I have covered the basics. Stop expecting anything from the other woman, she needs to be banished from both of your lives.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 11-17-2013 - 12:52am

I for one never said it was your fault.  I said you have to stop blaming HER for all your problems.  As Sabrtooth said, if your husband wasn't interested, she could have danced naked in front of him, and he'd have walked away.  He is just as guilty as she is......and it takes two to tango.  What I did say, that might be wrong, is that you need to work on the problems in your marriage......because truth be known, some cheaters cheat  just because they can.....not because they're unhappy at home.  But no matter what, you now DO have problems, and if he doesn't stop all contact with her, then you can't forgive him, or more importantly, forget it and move on.  There is no way two people can have an affair, even an emotional one.......and then just go back to being mere "friends".  If he wants to mend your marriage, then HE has to show good faith by telling her once and for all.......that she is no longer welcome in his life, and she is to stop contacting him completely!  If he doesn't do that, and/or change his contacts......then he wants it to continue.

If he won't go to counseling, then you need to go alone.......to learn how to handle the situation, and how to cope with his continued relationship with her......

And by the way, I've been in your situation.....not one woman, but a string of them......and I DID give up on the 20 year marriage, even though he fought it all the way.  But, he wasn't willing to give up his cheating, either.  So when I went thru with it.....he married his current g/f......and she eventually divorced him, too.  I hope for your sake you can work it out.......but if he doesn't get her out of his life, then you might have to either live with the situation, or get a lawyer.