Wow. This stung. Anyone have any thoughts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2012
Wow. This stung. Anyone have any thoughts?
8
Mon, 11-12-2012 - 1:48pm

nearly 3 months ago I meet a guy and we go on a date. He too is divorced with children (as am I). He has sole custody. His ex wife was an alcoholic. within the first 20 mins of the date he tells me he has a bad habit of choosing unavailable women. He has been divorced for 8 years. He told me one girlfriend lived in another country entirely. he met her when he was working on a project where he would have to travel there and would see her maybe once a month. One girlfriend lived completely cross country and he said that worked great until she wanted to move to his coast. His most recent girlfriend of 2 years was coming out of a marriage. Separated, but kind of married and living with her ex husband. She has since divorced. I knew better. None of this sounded good.

I asked if he is still dating unavailable women. He says he is not which is why he is sitting there with me. The nagging inner voice is screaming at me that i don't know that anything is changed but i decide maybe its different now. his kids are older, 14 and 16 and he has more free time.

The date goes great. We have the same sense of humor, same interests, at the end of the night we kiss passionately and it's great. Now we are starting to date. We see each other once a week which is what our crazy single parent schedules allow. We text and email every day. we occassionally skype. We start sleeping together. its amazing. But something feels WRONG. even though when we were together it felt very intimate and RIGHT, when we weren't it just didn't feel like a regular relationship.

One night he asks me if I took my online dating profile down. He said he looked for me and couldn't find it. I said i did. Did you? he said no, but he was thinking about it. He said he wasn't dating anyone else at all but it wasn't about that. He explained to me that he was in therapy trying to make different decisions and take things VERY slow and date rather then get involved very quickly in bad relationships. He said he had a habit of choosing bad women and going in fast and furious. This time he was trying to take things slow. He said he really liked me, but  he had to learn to just "date". He said while he wasn't dating other people, he wasn't ready to be exclusive and understood that it wasn't fair to ask me to not date others. I was upset but was going off his actions, which were pretty great. A week later he took down his online dating profile and told me about it. I asked why and rather than say "because I am happy with you" he said "i just wasn't into it." fine.

Last thursday he came to dinner at my house. I had been thinking about whether or not I could handle a relationship with someone who seemed so into me when he was with me, but still wasn't taking steps to include me in his life in any way. He was making future plans. Dinner on the 30th at his friends dinner party etc. but still, something seemed like there were blocks up. He also knew I was still dating other people, because he had told me to, but i didn't want to. It felt weird at this point. I was developing feelings for him. He asked me at dinner if I had been on a date the night before. I said i didn't want lying in the mix and yes, I had. I then said no one had a chance because I liked him and didn't want to be dating other people but i was doing it to make him feel comfortable. I also told him that i didn't know if i was happy in this relationship because i wanted to just go with it and wanted two people to enjoy each other, and i felt like i had to not be myself to protect his issues surrounding commitment, exclusivity, etc. He told me the truth is he may not be ready for a relationship. He had worked hard to get to a place where he was doing well as a single dad, not involved with terrible women, etc. It felt like he may not be ready for a relationship with ME, but i had to remind myself of his history with unavailable women. Long and the short of it was...I asked if he minded if I was sleeping with someone else. He said at this time...no. He couldn't expect to be in a non exclusive relationship and me to not sleep with other people. even though he said he was not. This was the final straw. I asked him to leave. I told him we both clearly wanted very different things and i could in no way be in a relationship where i was intimate with someone and they didn't care if i was sleeping with other people. I ended it. 

It crushed me cause he didn't care. He said he was sorry, it's just where he is now. He is not ready to be in a relationship and wants to take things slowly. It's so hard for me to understand. I want to so badly put this on me and say "it's not that he doesn't want a relationship, it's that he doesn't want one with me", but again have to remind myself of our first date where he told me directly, "I choose unavailable women".

Anyway, I am crushed. I am crushed that he is just willing to say goodbye to us and it suddenly seems like it meant nothing to him. Any thoughts or advice would help me greatly.  Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2012
Mon, 11-12-2012 - 4:53pm

Hi, Nc2012. I started dating a man 4 months ago and from the beginning I specified that I didn't want to get serious and we should both be able to see other people, my reason being that I am a serial monogomist, always in one long-term relationship after another. I wanted to just "date" some people and not tie myself down too quickly. He and I were intimate very early on and I pretty much wanted to keep it on that level - enjoy our time when we were together and not question what we did when we were apart. But of course, we started developing feelings for each other and I knew that at no point would he be very pleased knowing I had dated or been intimate with another man. So, here I am again in an exclusive relationship with someone who is not at all my ideal partner, lol. Maybe that's what he was diligently avoiding to the extent that he passed up on a genuinely great lady. And by the way, my "little voice" has been telling me from the beginning that this guy's not relationship material but am I listening? Of course not. That would make too much sense considering my little voice is basically always right, lol. Female intuition is not a myth.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Mon, 11-12-2012 - 5:58pm

With his input, and your response, you are (now, as a result of the mix) another unavailable woman so he is right, these are the women he chooses. Also, by the age/life experience of 30-35, these things can be ascertained about the other person in a matter of hours, if not minutes.

He is not ready for more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Mon, 11-12-2012 - 7:25pm

Why do you think he always chooses "unavailable women"  Probably because he is not ready for or just doesn't want to commit to ANY woman. If you're looking for more I suggest you move on to a man who is committment minded. Good Luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Tue, 11-13-2012 - 1:52am

Hi Nc2012 ~

I have to say there were certainly red flags from him.  To his credit, he was very honest with you and did a good job of remaining completely honest, even when it may not have been easy. 

There were also some red flags from you... he was honest about his history yet you forged ahead, and at a very fast rate at that.  Your response to him saying he was okay with you dating others as he wasn't ready for exclusivity was that you were dating others not because you wanted to but you were doing it for him???  Holy cow!  Here he's telling you  he needs to date others because he's not ready for an exclusive relationship and you've already pinned yourself to him (ignoring where he is).  Nc2012, he's taking care of himself and being very honest about his abilities and you're completly ignoring him and jumping in with both feet!  Once you hear a message like this, it's time to back off, create emotional distance and either date others because you need to for YOU or date no one (including him) until you get yourself straight (not dependant on when he gets straight at all!)

It seems to me that he told you where he was, continued to be upfront and honest rather than to lie to keep you allto himself while he continued to see others but you forged ahead the way you wanted the relationship to be rather than how it reallly was.  I understand you're hurt and I understand this didn't turn out the way you wanted it to, but Nc2012, you have no one to blame but yourself.  I hope you can take this experience as a lesson not only to listen to what a guy is saying to you but to take much better steps at keeping your head and doing the right thing for YOU.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2012
Tue, 11-13-2012 - 9:39am

Thank you for your response. i couldn't agree more with everything you said. I told him when i ended it I wasn't angry with him because he was always honest never mislead me, and told me exactly where he stood. I guess the reason i stayed is because we had a great time together and even though he was saying one thing, his actions were saying another so it was a little confusing. In the end, i did end it because i knew what i was doing was not healthy for myself. yes, i should have done it sooner, but better after 2 1/2 months than 2 1/2 year right? thank you so much

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Tue, 11-13-2012 - 10:24pm
Absolutely! I've always felt that no failed relationship is a failure if you learn something from it, I've yet to see a failed relationship that can't be learned from. I know every "failure" I've had personally was the basis of growth, change realization and improvement in the way I approached relationships for me.

~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2012
Tue, 11-20-2012 - 6:03pm

Hi, Nc2012, there's not a very easy way to respond what I hear you saying.  You are probably one of the worst listeners I have ever been a witness to.  I don't care why.  But somewhere along the way you inherited or "bought" a really bad trait.  Listening is the most important part of communication.  Those who cannot or will not listen, will fall into the same traps over and over again.  Try listening to others and inwardly toward your feelings.  You have said it best yourself:  "I asked if he is still dating unavailable women. He says he is not which is why he is sitting there with me. The nagging inner voice is screaming at me that i don't know that anything is changed..." Nothing has.  But you don't know it.  Good luck to you, Craig.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2012
Fri, 11-23-2012 - 7:41pm
This guy is intimidated by either single independent women or relationships, either way it's a waste of your time because men who go after unavailable women are no good. For all we know he might of made it his life's mission to test women. lol