1 year later and she still has feelings for her ex

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2012
1 year later and she still has feelings for her ex
3
Sun, 06-10-2012 - 7:10pm

My girl and I have been together for a year, its been a great relationship, shes a great girl and I love her a lot. We have very few problems aside from one that came up over the past week while she was on vacation. We got into an argument and tells me that she still has feelings for her ex. She says she has no desire to get back with him and shes more hurt than anything about how they broke up (because they were friends for years prior to dating). Her ex dumped her and vanished, never giving her an opportunity for closure. She had roughly 6 months of being single before she started dating me, but tells me that she doesnt love me like I love her and she has serious baggage taht I shouldnt have to deal with. 

In response to this, I told her I decided to volunteer for deployment back to Afghanistan (I am military), she broke down crying and begged me to not go. She loves me but doesnt want to plan a future with me, this includes marriage and a family. I would like to try and work through this with her so we can actually have a healthy relationship but its been a year...how much longer SHOULD i hold out for her???

Please give me some advice...Her ex is completely out of the picture and impossible to track down, she wants him out of her head but apparently there are too many memories to rid of...this guy was a total tool and cheated on her too...what should I do???

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I know you probably don't want to hear this, but you should break up w/ her--you really can't do anything to get her ex out of her head.  It does seem odd that after 1 1/2 yrs she is still pining for this guy, but she is.  She told you she doesn't love you enough & she doesn't want to plan a future w/ you--so you could be waiting around forever.  I also think it's kind of dramatic to say that if she isn't with you, you are going to volunteer to be deployed.  I don't think you should make a big decision like that in the heat of the moment.  I would think the military would want people w/ their head on straight in a dangerous place where they have to be on alert all the time, and not someone who is emotional & upset.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2012

I just got back not too long ago from Afghanistan and they have been begging for volunteers...I am not upset about a potential breakup but a deployment would allow me to focus on more important things like fighting wars and avoiding getting shot. 

 

But yea...The phrase "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesnt, than it was never meant to be" definitely comes to mind in reference to this particular situation.



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

I agree with Musiclover.  She's told you she doesn't want a future with you.  So there's nothing to "wait" for.  Some women just can't let go of an abuser, and they don't know how to appreciate a man that treats them well.  It's her loss, and you need to let her go.  She'll probably gravitate to someone else who will make her miserable.  You've given her a year of your life, it's time to let go now.

And I also agree that this is NOT the time to volunteer to be deployed.  You say you'd rather dodge bullets than think about her.  You've got that all wrong.  You'd be too busy thinking about her......and forget to dodge the bullets. 

Thank you so much for serving our country and helping the less fortunate in this world, but you've done your duty......now it's someone else's turn.