Am I just a doormat or what?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Am I just a doormat or what?
3
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 9:14pm
I have been in a relationship with the same man for 6 years now. He is 43 and I am 29. The last three years have been almost pure hell. He doensn't know how to pick up a phone and communicate with me. We lead separate lives. When we started dating we had a lot of fun and we were togther a lot. We are both are divorced and have our own children. The last three years he has become more involved with his kids. He didn't seem to care for the longest time which I thought was very sad for his kids. Now that he sees them more often, I am almost non-existant. He does not include me in activities that he and his kids do every weekend. He and his boys go dirtbike racing almost every weekend. Sometimes he is gone for a few days at a time. I don't find out about where he is going on the weekend until he crawls out of my bed at 4:00 am to get up and take his boys racing. I don't usually hear from him until he has dropped his kids off at his ex-wife's house. He will then finally decide to call me. He won't return my calls when he is with his kids either. I asked him why I was not invited to come to these races and I suddenly found out that his ex-wife that he says he hates so much is there at almost every race. He says he is afraid of what she might say or do if she sees me there. I feel it is a total cop out. He also says he can't commit to me until his kids are at least 18. The oldest is 16 and the youngest is 14. I just feel like I can't take anymore of this being lead on a string. I have broken up with him numerous times and I seem to always take him back. I get so angry with myself. Part of me is so scarred of being alone and part of me says you can make it. I myself am ready to move on and be happy. How can I when he is never here and I am always alone? Part of me also starts to resent his kids for him being with them all the time. I should not feel that way. I guess I am still the bad guy if I don't want him to spend so much time with them. I just want to be included and some time alone together other than very late at night.
Avatar for cl_mothermel32
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 11:20pm
Yes it's plain this guy has been using you for yrs. Why are you still taking this guy back? Just what are you getting out of this? Nothing but being hurt, used and lonely. He obviously only calls you when nothing else is going on, and he clearly has told you that you are not going to get what you want in a relationship with him. Always he has an excuse doesn't he? If a relationship with him is hell why are you still there?

Why don't you feel you deserve better than this? What example are you teaching your kids, just take what little crumbs you can get? You do know you deserve better treatment than this don't you? 6 yrs is long enough to waste on something that isn't going anywhere. If it was working you should have been married and secure long ago. I know you feel that you invested alot of time with this guy, but it's time to end this once and for all. Honestly what are you receiving in return? If this was happening to a friend what would you tell her to do?

This guy is doing what he wants to do and not giving anything in return. It's time to end this once and for all. Perhaps you may want to seek some counseling to understand why you put up with such crap for so long and why you don't feel you deserve a real relationship.

Mel

-Mel

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 11:34pm
As far as not being able to commit until his kids are 18, well that sounds like a big fat copout. I'm sure when they turn 18 he'll have another reason and you'll have wasted another 4 years of your life. Plus he knows he doesn't have to commit because you let him get away with anything and he can keep coming back. He sees you late at night because you're convenient and he doesn't have to do anything more to get that late night action. You CAN make it and once you break free of the cycle you'll feel 100% better. Besides, how can you be more alone than you are already?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 8:52am
A man who does not include you is a man who does not respect you. Please break up with him. He is not going to change and he is taking you for granted. Also, buy the book Why Men Love Bitches. It gives alot of insight on men and how to act. Don't let the title fool you, it is a positive definition of b*tch! It basically tells you how to stand up for yourself and increase your self-esteem.

You will be fine! It will take sometime to heal, but you will be a better person in the end!