Can't stop thinking about ex husband

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2012
Can't stop thinking about ex husband
9
Mon, 12-03-2012 - 4:31pm

I was married before from which I have an 8 year old son. Well I met a great guy some time back we became pretty serious and have recently decided to move in together. Since we have decided to further our relationship I have been missing my ex husband dearly. I don't know if its because he is the only other man I have ever lived with or what. I love my boyfriend but it seems as if I'm always searching for my ex in him. I feel like such an awful person. We have taken some time apart so I can get my thoughts into perspective so I have had some time to think about things and I still feel as if I'm stuck. I know my ex feels the same about me as I do for him. The thing is I do love my boyfriend, he is a great guy he is amazing with my son, very understanding and considerate. I just don't know if my love for my ex husband will ever subside. We had a great life together, a child and loved each other dearly. The thing about our relationship was we got married when I was 17 and he was 19 we were both young and self absorbed. We have both matured since and we still share the same love we use to have. My boyfriend and I have spoke about spending our lives together so I know if we take this leap to move in together there is a potential for us to end up married and starting our own little family eventually. At this point I just don't know what to do. I'm so confused. I don't know why I can't forget about my ex and I don't know if I'm willing to loose either one of them. So lost on what to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2012
Fri, 12-14-2012 - 4:04pm

l

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2012
Fri, 12-14-2012 - 4:02pm

myradorn, Thank you for your words of wisdom and everyone else as well. What you wrote did touch home alot "to thine own self be true"  I love that. I did speak with the ex and his feelings are mutual as i expected. I know with the both of us there is that bond that no matter what has happened seems to always stand strong even when we falter. I don't know why this is and what makes us not want to break free from one another. I am at the point to were Im scared to make any decision based on my fear of the things that drove us both apart to begin with as some may have pointed out. I know ill always have feelings for this man so your right why am I still sitting here. Probably because i am terrified and a coward. But I know I cant lead both men on for ever so I have decided to take some time and space from the both of them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Fri, 12-14-2012 - 2:45pm

I don't think you're an awful person.  I have for years wondered if I should still be here or not, my DH was quite the b**tard for most of our marriage, incl. two emotional affairs that about killed me inside, and he punished me for many years simply because I'd gained some weight.  He learned in counseling - and I think on his own - that it was never about ME at all, it was always about him, his own old issues and his control freak personality, but....not about ME.  If I hadn't gained one ounce, he'd have found something else.  I'm just saying all that because we've been together 2/3 of our lives and you just struggle and struggle thinking maybe you'd both end up happier apart....but that bond that develops over time, yikes.  I feel like I'm forever trying to get my DH to leave, but he will not do it, he just keeps saying it'll all be okay in time and he couldn't go on without me.  He does seem to be a genuinely changed man now, and like you, if we parted, it'd still break my heart and I would not know what to do without the guy, even if he WAS a jerk for so many years.  I can imagine what you're going thru, those thoughts and regrets, that all goes thru my own mind a lot, so your post rang a bell.  But what kind of long-term relationship can you possibly have with your boyfriend if you're still in love with your ex?  Because it sounds like you are.  I think you owe it to all three of you to have a sincere talk with your ex, after talking to your boyfriend first so there's nothing hidden.  No more regrets.  Life is too short, if you down deep still crave your ex, why are you still sitting there typing posts?  I'm wearing a necklace that says "to thine own self be true".  Do that.  LIFE IS TOO SHORT, if he's the love of your life......

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2012
Wed, 12-05-2012 - 10:49pm

Have you thought about maybe seeing a counselor to help sort out your feelings? Sometimes they actually can help you get your head straight.

I think as long as there was an amicable break up between parents there are always feelings left behind. It is just how you handle them that matters.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 12-04-2012 - 3:48pm

  Hi  I agree with the others.  IMO you are idealizing the relationship with your ex.  There were things that drove you apart.  I agree you should not move in with this new "great guy".  It is normal to have a "grieving" period.  But in your case it is hampered by feelings that have not been resolved.  I think from your post you are in your late 20's early 30's.  My question is how is the rest of your life going?  Is there a way to center you life apart from romantic confusion?  Career?  Plans for your future?    Sometimes our emotions take time to catch up with the rest of our life.  Oh yes, you are not an "awful person" just human.

dragowoman

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Tue, 12-04-2012 - 7:48am

CantFindMyself wrote:
I was married before from which I have an 8 year old son. Well I met a great guy some time back we became pretty serious and have recently decided to move in together. Since we have decided to further our relationship I have been missing my ex husband dearly. I don't know if its because he is the only other man I have ever lived with or what. I love my boyfriend but it seems as if I'm always searching for my ex in him. I feel like such an awful person. We have taken some time apart so I can get my thoughts into perspective so I have had some time to think about things and I still feel as if I'm stuck. I know my ex feels the same about me as I do for him. The thing is I do love my boyfriend, he is a great guy he is amazing with my son, very understanding and considerate. I just don't know if my love for my ex husband will ever subside. We had a great life together, a child and loved each other dearly. The thing about our relationship was we got married when I was 17 and he was 19 we were both young and self absorbed. We have both matured since and we still share the same love we use to have. My boyfriend and I have spoke about spending our lives together so I know if we take this leap to move in together there is a potential for us to end up married and starting our own little family eventually. At this point I just don't know what to do. I'm so confused. I don't know why I can't forget about my ex and I don't know if I'm willing to loose either one of them. So lost on what to do.

it's a good thing you two are taking some time apart because I know that I would be very angry if the person I was in love with was still harboring feelings for someone they'd divorced.  Thing is, you're going to have to square it in your mind that you will have to lose one of them because that's what's going to be required of you in order for you to move forward, no matter which one of the two of them you choose.  And as long as you're feeling love this intensely for your ex, you probably should not be moving forward with any man until those feelings are resolved one way or the other and put to rest.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Tue, 12-04-2012 - 3:34am
It's really not fair to this "great guy" to move in with him IF you still have feelings for your ex. You probably need to talk to your ex to be sure the feelings are mutual before you move in with your BF and go from there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Tue, 12-04-2012 - 3:27am
Exactly.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Tue, 12-04-2012 - 2:03am

If you are still in love with your ex and he feels the same about you then why aren't you and he together now?

IMO you should not move in with your bf while you are thinking about another man and wishing your bf had that man's traits. You should take time to figure out what your feelings are for your ex and if you two could get back together, or if you need to accept that it will never happen again and move on. You cannot have both of them but if you don't choose then they may choose for you and you could end up with neither.