confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2011
confused
6
Wed, 09-12-2012 - 11:16pm

Need some help in making a decision.

My H & I have been M for 12 yrs. We only had Sex for 4 months of our marriage (at the beginning). Then once more when our son was conceived. When we were dating we had sex, but then one day, he said he wanted to wait until we were married. What do you say to that? Anyway, I need intimacy after my son was born and developed an emotional relationship with someone else, this ended after many years when it almost turned to a physical relationship. Then the next year I met someone when I was on a business trip and began a 2 yrs affair. This just ended 2 weeks ago. My H found out about the A a few months after it began and said nothing.  He just treated me even worse and drank so much that he was hospitalized. Last year I told him I was unhappy. I then found out that he was in trying to begin a relationship with a woman that he met. After I found out, she stopped talking to him. He then tried to hook up with woman that he met online. Now he is saying that he only did those things because he thought I had cheated on him.  My question to him is what is his excuse for the previous 10 yrs and he says I need to quit living in the past. He is now trying to hug & kiss me. I'm afraid to trust him. I don't want to be vulnerable again and then be back to where I have been.  I want to be happy with someone that I can talk to and who wants to cuddle with me & touch me. Should I give him another chance?  I'm so confused.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
In reply to: babybah
Thu, 09-13-2012 - 1:57am

>>but then one day, he said he wanted to wait until we were married. What do you say to that?<<

What would I say to that?   All my alarm bells would go off and I'd say "goodbye". 

Anyway, as to how you could deal with this, I'd also be wanting answers as to why there was no sex for the duration of the marriage.  Without self reflection, discussion and understanding, it would be nigh near impossible (and unwise) to trust him to change.    And I think a great deal of healing would come from his acknowledgement of the previous issues in the marriage.

If I were you, I'd walk away.  But then again, I wouldn't have married him in the first place.....so perhaps what I'd do isn't what you'd do.    At the very least, I would insist on marriage counselling and reviewing how you'd both gotten to this point.    If he can't understand your need for this, then I would suggest a divorce.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
In reply to: babybah
Thu, 09-13-2012 - 11:25am
Personally I'd walk away. A marriage that had intimacy for 4 months out of 12 years is seriously dysfunctional. Not sure why this did not end years and years ago but you can't change the past.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2011
In reply to: babybah
Sat, 09-15-2012 - 5:33pm

I had an affair instead because I didn't want to take my kids away from their father.  Despite everything else he is a good Dad. I didn't really choose to have the affair either, it kind of just happened one day.

Looking back, I should've had the guts to say good-bye instead of going through with the marriage, nothing I can do about that now.  I guess, I just wanted to see if everyone else thought the same things as my BF and you do. He really wants me to give him another chance, but I can't get the past out of my head. Why would things change now after how they have been for 12 years?