dilema

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2002
dilema
6
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 11:13am
I've been married for 10 years. For the past 3 years i realized i didn't love my husband anymore, and i told him that two years ago. I think i never loved him, it was lust instead of love. Since when i told him, we have been off an on, arguying most of the time. We have two kids. My problem is when i decide that i'm going to stay and work things out, my heart wants to do the opposite and go, to be alone, just stay with the kids, i feel depressed and miserable being with him, i feel that i don't want to be with this man all my life, and i want to be single, and start again. Two days ago, we talked again, but this time, i took the iniciative and i said, that i wanted to leave him, but not right now, because i'm waiting for school to end so that i can move with the kids, but i'm getting thorn again, thinking about him, and it hurts me to hurt him, i feel really bad. I don't know what to do, if i should go ahead and do this, i'm afraid if i will have regrets...anyone out there that can give me some advice. Thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: luizinha
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 1:09pm
MARRIAGE COUNSELING!!!!!!! With your husband, or alone if he won't go. You realize the weight of the decision you're about to make, but have you tried counseling? Counseling doesn't mean that you're crazy or messed up in the head - it's an excellent way for you to get some help and advice. You may find techniques to improve your marriage - you may find incentives to leave your husband... it all depends. But I suggest counseling immediately.
Avatar for cl_mothermel32
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: luizinha
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 1:20pm
I totally agree, you aren't getting anywhere trying to figure this out by yourself. You have kids to think about and to see Mom being miserable and not knowing what's going to happen is not very reassuring or secure for them. Most kids parents are divorced, unfortunatly kids are more aware of that fact and the relationship between their parents than you think. Your kids may be relieved to finally have you make a decision one way or anther. I think counseling would help you greatly because you would have an objective party to help you. Also a visit to your Dr may help with your depression. Many people take anti-depressants during a difficult time in their lives, not necessarily would you have meds recommended for you or if recommended that you would have to take meds forever. But certainly there is no need to be depressed with all the medication out there. Good luck and possibly you could go to couples counseling as well, but I think individual counseling would be your best bet here in order to know what you really want.

Mel

-Mel

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2002
In reply to: luizinha
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 1:25pm
I tried counselling, alone, and with my husband in the past, it didn't help, at least not for the long run. I think and believe that you can't make your heart feel something you don't, forcing yourself to love someone, you're just misleading yourself. Either you do or you don't. I'm just questioning or am afraid to stay and waste my life and continue unhappy or to go and regret later. I'm not sure what is the best for me at the moment.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: luizinha
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 5:31pm
You said it yourself "You can't your heart Love someone that it doesn't" My experience tells me that it's harder to live with someone you don't love than it is to live alone and at peace.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2002
In reply to: luizinha
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 8:28am
you're so right. That's where i am at right now, making everybody else happy, and putting me aside. I just don't know until i when i can take this. I know deep inside that i need a change, and that it will hard in the beginning, but it will be best for everyone in the long run. I just hate to hurt my husbands feelings, but do i "hurt" myself instead?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2002
In reply to: luizinha
Thu, 04-03-2003 - 8:33am
There's something that i would like to ask everyone: how do you know FOR SURE when you don"t love your husband anymore? What are the signs?