husband got his mistress pregnant

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2007
husband got his mistress pregnant
8
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 10:11am
somebody please help me has anyone been throug this, how do i know what to do
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2005
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 2:22pm

Hello there,

I wasn't married but I had been together w/my highschool sweetheart for 5 years and engaged for six months when that same thing happened to me. His mistress constantly called him and whenever I confronted him he'd deny it and say she was just stalking him. Well, I caught him in the act and moved all of my things out of our apartment. He begged and begged me to come back. I told him I needed a week to think about it. During that time I found out she was pregnant. I was furious. I broke off our engagement and never spoke to him again. Once someone is that foolish and heartless, you no longer need them in your life. It's too short to spend it on the unfaithful. Do you have any children together?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2007
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 4:53pm

((((hopelessnlost))))

I am so sorry you have found yourself in this situation. I too joined that club no one wanted to be in, the one where you are not only betrayed, but left with a lifetime reminder of that betrayal. You did not give many details about your situation, and I would love to help you, so let me ask you a few questions, and then I will tell you my story.

First, how are you? It is MOST important to take care of yourself right now.
How long has your husband been involved with this other woman (OW)?
Is he willing to cut all ties with her if you are willing to work this out?
Is your husband going to play a role in this child's life?

My story is very long and complicated, but I will tell you the most important details. My EXhusband of 15 years had a long term affair (LTR) with a woman he worked with. He told me that he would end it with her, I would give him another chance only to find he had not. I gave him two chances. The first time we seperated, he pretended to work on reconsileing with me, but I later found out he was seeing her. I drew up my paperwork to file for divorce when he begged me to go to marrige couseling. We did, for three months, I found cell phone bills showing he was still speaking to her. That was his second chance. A few months later, I found out that he got her pregnant. All the while I thought he was trying to work it out with me, he was sleeping with her.

He told me she meant nothing to him, I was his everything, he wanted to move back home. I refused. I could not live with the constant reminder of HIS mistake. We divorced two years ago. He now lives with the OW and are planning on marrying. As hard as it was to move on alone, I have never been happier in all my life. I met a wonderful man who would NEVER disrespect in such a horrible way. We are engaged to be married next year.

You ask, how do you know what to do? No one does sweetie. Its a personal decision about what YOU can live with. Personally anyone who can do that to a person doesn't deserve another chance. I wish you well and please....take care of yourself. If you have any questions feel free to ask.

Debbie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2007
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 7:01am
We have one child together, we have been together almost 30 years. He has been with her for a while, we were not living together for a while, that is when it happened. I am still in shock, struggling to get through the day. She is 22 years younger tha he is and I cant see much of a future for them. The way I look at it she had no problem of him leaving me and our child why should I be worried if he abandoned her. I still love him very much. I cant help but blame myself in alot of ways, I knew what was going on and I just wanted him to figure it out for himself, I was willing to wait, but now I dont know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2007
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 7:09am
We have one child together and have been together for almost 30 years. I knew what wasgoing on, but didnt make him choose. I regret that dicision now. There is a very slight possibility that it is not his but I doubt it. I still love him and I know it sounds sick, but he is the only one that can confort me. I dont think they will ever work together he is 22 years her senior and they dont have much in common, Im just not sure it was a mistake on her part, not to take any blame from him, but Im not convinced she didnt do this on purpose. I am sick inside I want to send my daughter to my parents for a couple of weeks so I can be alone with him to figure out what we are going to do. We both work at the same place and both have almost 20 years in but I cant stand the hummiliation so I dont think I can stay. I want him to be in the childs life but that dosn't mean he has to be with her to do that. She had no problem with him leaving me to be with her why should I care if he abandons her!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2007
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 9:10am

I am very sorry you are so hurt and lost right now hopelessnlost.

I felt the exact same way when this happened to me. I went through a rollar coaster of emotions. I loved him, I hated him. I wanted to work it out, I didnt. But in the end, when I found he was sneaking behind my back to contact her, comfort her, show his support to her, when I was hurting so much inside, I had had it. I knew that she would be a part of his life FOREVER! And at some level they would always have a connection that I could never share with him. A child! (we did not have any kids together, which made my decision somewhat easier). Even if you decide to work this out with him, can you trust that he will not be with her again?

How does he feel about all of this? Does he think it is his? Does he want to work things out and be with you? Is he disclosing EVERYTHING about their relationship and what he had been telling her. You said he moved out for a while....what was he telling her in this time? I have found out that men will say and do anything to keep THEMSELVES looking good.

After dealing with this situation myself, I read on alot of support boards in regards to cheating and another child. And those who made it through this nightmare NEEDED FULL disclosure from their spouse. No more secrets, no more lies. They needed the truth and if they were not willing to admit it and work on the relationship with no more lies and no more secrets, they could never heal and forgive. I thought with marrige counseling that we could work it out, I was wrong. It was all a front, my husband loved her more than he loved me, as hard as that was to admit to myself. He chose her. And you know what hopelessnlost....it was the BEST decision he could have made for me. I am happy. And I find myself on these types of boards occasionally, trying to help those who are experience what I went through, and to give them hope.

You say that your husband is the only one who can comfort you. Sweetie you need support from those who TRUELY love you. Your family and your friends. You need to get away from him and think about what YOU want, what is best for YOUR future. You need help from those who can really support you. He sounds like a lost confused soul, uncertain of what he wants or what he is going to do next. Leave him to think it over, and if you can, you leave to think things over.

I would be happy to be a friend to listen and give advice...feel free to write anytime. Best wishes!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2005
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 11:26am
Oh honey, I am so sorry. 30 years is an awfully long time. My parents were married for almost that long until my mother cheated. The man was 15 years younger. When my father found out he wanted to leave very bady. He tried for about 6 months but could not get over it. He was very bitter and our family was crumbling. From their experience, I can say that things never got back to good. Even when they tried, it was just too much. I wish there was something positive I could say. I hope you have family to talk to. They are the best and most times will love you no matter what you decide. Just know I am always here to talk to. I know what you're going through. Remember you aren't at fault, you aren't weak and you will get through this. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2007
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 1:46pm

Hopelessnlost

I am going to be very open and honest with you regarding your situation. RUN and run like hell!!! This man does not deserve you! Kids or no kids, there is a man out there who better suits you and YOUR needs.

I was given the same news nearly a year ago today, AFTER the baby was born. I stayed with my husband for 4 months, after his betrayal and it was the worse thing I could have done. He chose to be involved in the baby's life, so that meant that SHE was involoved in our life as well. Their affair was long term (7+ years), like you I think she did it to steal him away from me. Now I thank her for it! There was always some reason why he had to have contact with her, "something is broke, baby is sick, she needs someone to watch baby" and my husband would drop everything to go take care of her and their child. He swore up and down that he was only there for the baby, (I later found out that they were still having sex on those visits). They made me feel like an outsider in my own marrige.....I would have loved the baby as if he were my own (it wasn't his fault) but they exclused me from that. She once said "he already has a mom, he don't need another one." My husband always took her side, said i was being jealous, said he had responsibilies and he had to take care of them and if I continued to make him "pick sides" he couldn't live with me.

So what did I do? Kicked his ass to the curb....told him ME and OUR child are his FIRST responsibilies and I will not come second to a home wrecking whore! Not only did she get a HUGE portion of our income for child support, she got his time and attention when he wasn't working! I had enough, I deserved better and MORE than he could EVER give me.

Think about this very carefully Hopelessnlost, and if you can get out....DO IT!! You will wish you would have down the road anyway. Sounds like your husband is sitting on the fence with this woman and you, do not let him have his cake and eat it too. If you stay with him and he is involved in the child's life...you can also bet she will be in the picture too...not just as the mother to your husband's child, but also as a side of dessert when times get tough with you! Can you tolerate that? I couldn't and let me tell you I am WAY happier than I ever was with that cheating dirt bag. I wish I would have walked away when I found out about the affair and saved myself three years of grief, letting HIM decide who he wanted in his life....why should he have a choice? What is he doing to save his marrige? getting another woman pregnant?

Best wishes in whatever you decide to do....I know you feel that the time you invested is worth WAY more than they would ever have....but he is obviously not the man you thought you married. Hold onto the good times you two had together....and let him go, go find another man who can keep you happy in YOUR future! I am here if you need any advice or have any questions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2006
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 6:20am
Excellent advice! You are a very wise woman!!