I still love him, is it enough?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
I still love him, is it enough?
4
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 7:42am
I know i'm not married, but I have been in a relationship for almost 7 years (with a few bumps in the road) I had recently been informed by my boyfriend that the reason he had been treating me like crap for the past year, is because he has cheated on me and couldn't deal with it.. Well of course i went ballastic, especially when all the info came out:

He likes to drink (problem knowing when to stop) and met someone that had the same qualities he has.. at first he told her he had me, but then we fought about something and ended up in her bed soon after (multiple times for about a year) - to make matters worse he didn't use any protection (niether while with me also!). What also makes me so angry, is her ejaculated inside of her ("it's ok, cause she's on the pill" per her)- I would'nt allow him to do that with me, because i feel you only do that if your either married or want to make a baby. After i left him (in November 02) (before I'd known about the cheating), he went out on what i call a sex-capade, jumping in the sack with a 22 year old, size 3, ex-coworker of his, then a long time friend (of both of ours), that which he confessed, he'd always been interested in (both of which i know- I knew they sleep with EVERYTHING!!) He'd realized niether were what he wanted and that I'm his soul mate, love, his everything... (oh, by the way, the one he'd cheated on, is now pregnant- niether know who the father is, since she had a couple of boyfriends) So, i'm getting counseling and TRYING to deal with this, but i'm sooo numb inside i feel so completely hurt inside.. i feel he's gonna do it again.. I do love him, not in love right now, and i don't know if I believe him when he says he loves me... he had cut back drasticaly going out to the bar, but slowly he's starting up again (a year ago it was 5-7 days a week, a month ago it was 1, now it's up to 3 times) should i just move on?? give up?? or try?? When the baby comes, I don't know if i can handle being with him.. he doesn't want anything to do with it. Its also hard because we have opposite schedules, I work the night shift, he's unemployed at the moment (long story, but not his fault)so i'm sleeping when he's up and wants to do something.. (I'm trying to find a better job!!)Please give me any opinion you have, Sorry so long. Thanks for reading.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 7:58am
I have known several men who have cheated on their girlfriends and wives and there are always many reasons. Do you two comunicate well? It sounds like he just found someone else to connect with and decided not to deal with what was really going on inside of himself. When a partner cheats it makes the other person feel so betrayed and empty. I am sure you felt less or questioned what was wrong with you. I truly believe he has issues that he needs to look at and deal with or you will spend the rest of your life policeing him. That is not your job. Have him figure out why he cheated and what he wants from a women and a relationship. If he's not willing to do that then it would probably happen again. Guys hate to look inside they rather just blame wht they do on someone else.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2003
Sun, 05-25-2003 - 10:24pm
Get out, get out, get out!! Once a cheater, always a cheater. And on top of that not only did he cheat on you, he did it unprotected and then had sex with you. Maybe he got caught up in the moment but he obviously didn't and doesn't respect you enough to tell you. Did he not give two hoots if you contracted a STD?? I guess not. I've been down that road twice (you'd think I would have learned after the first one!!) and you wont be able to fully trust him again. And then on top of things he went slutting around with a bunch of other women right after you broke up?? Kick him to the curb babe, you can do much better
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-27-2003 - 12:27am
No, it's not enough...and if you really thought about it long enough, you know in your heart that you don't love him. You are hurting from the loss of the fantasy of what you thought you had with him. You thought you had a foundation in solid concrete and now you've found out that your house was laid in sand. It's all a mess and falling apart. He's got a drinking problem...that goes to show you he's got addictive tendencies...sexual, too, from what you've written about him. Do you think he can just flick a switch and turn this stuff off without some serious work?? Trust CAN be rebuilt, but it's DIFFICULT and both sides have to be committed and willing to work really hard.

If you were married with children, I would still suggest the same thing, GET OUT...you are single and child free?? RUN!! Similar stuff happened to me 14 years into my relationship and it hasn't been easy, but I knew that I was doing the best thing for me/my kids when I asked him to leave because he wouldn't work on the marriage. One day it will come to you that you are the one doing all the work and forgiving and suffering and walking on eggshells...and he's doing nothing, nothing, nothing except complaining because you're anxious when you used to trust...and you realize that you're bending backwards and it's not enough...it's not enough until he acknowledges he's got issues and vows to work on them and DOES. Talk is really, really cheap. You can give him a key to the house again after he's been sober for a year, after he's been to therapy, after it's been discerned that he is/isn't the child's father (and have to pay out 2K/mo for the next 18 years!).

Forget all about what he used to be like...don't think about how he could be...take a really good look at him now...are you proud of him? Do you respect him? Do you trust him _right now_? If this happened to your best friend, what would you tell her? Easy to tell her what to do, but hard for you to follow your own advice?

I know it's hard after such a long time...but do you really want another seven years of this? The sooner you end it, the sooner you are to healing and moving on...good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Tue, 05-27-2003 - 11:37am
Oh darlin, this is a no-win situation. You have to give this guy up. You seem to be taking the blame for all his issues. Taking him back is not gonna make him change. Heck, giving him up won't either. You deserve a man that will respect you. You seem to not believe that. Usually when things happen to us, we begin to believe we aren't worth it. I know I went thru a period of self-loathing after I left my XH. He cheated on me and has since married her. Oh well, he's her problem now. I know I am better than that. Let him go! Do it now before he ruins your life.