Indecisive and not even a Libra...

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Indecisive and not even a Libra...
Wed, 08-29-2012 - 5:40am


I am trying to decide if I should stay with my boyfriend or not. 

We have been together for 2.5 years. I'm 27, He's about the same age. 

I love him and he loves me. A lot of our relationship is pretty great, we say I love you everyday & hug and kiss all the time, we compliment each other and share our fears and insecurities. He is there when I need him, I know I can trust him. 

But he has some serious problems. His parents were violent and emotionally abusive throughout his childhood and have physical fights. He has a problem where he will zone out and to get him attention I will need to call his name at least 3 times until he is back in the room with me. This is hard and tries my patience. Also, this means I sometimes feel I am struggling to get him attention and have a normal conversation with him - he watches TV a lot and gets lost in that world. I miss him when he is mentally gone. 

Also, his mother has always clean up after him and around him and although if I ask he will always do what I request, it gets really tiring to ask everytime anything needs to be done - food, collecting dirty dishes, rubbish wrappers he has left lying around etc. He is like a child in that sense, he needs guidance on what to do and even how to do it - its so frustrating. 

Also, his anger. He is the most caring man and forgiving. He would forgive me the world if I wanted, and that is a unique quality in him. He will let most things go and is a very easy going person in that sense, never really having any complaints. However, should I complain about something or make him angry he will go from 0-10 in a minute. Then his anger gets nasty. He will swear and shout and look intimidating. On rare occasion he has punched the wall or thrown something. He can even get angry in the street which is really embarrassing -  my family would never display anger like that. Since I made him go to counseling and talked to him about his behavior he has got better. He swears less and shouts less but he still does it sometimes. It's like he hold onto his small bits of anger (which makes him really easy going) and then lets it all out in a massive blast. I have jokingly told him he is like the hulk/Jeckel & Hyde, but he really is. 

We have made plans to live together. But lately all I can think is 'do I want my (future) kids to live like this?' There are characteristics in him I will never find in another man, he is some amazing in so many ways but this bad stuff is really killing me. Out of all my relationships he is the one I have had the most real connection too, he gets me, he has a good soul, a kind soul. But it is like he is either this 'wonderful child' or his 'horrible father'. I hate that life is so cruel and complicated sometimes.  It seems I can't live with him and I can't live without him. 

I have told him all of this and we are on a break now, so I can think. He has said he wants to be the man he needs to be for me and is prepared to make changes. If he could I would be with him in a second. But will we just be getting back together for a brief period where he works really hard and then gets relaxed and goes back to being his old self? Also, his behaviours can really irritate me, as I can't let myself loose it when he is being aggressive - I need to help calm him  in those moments, it means that I have started letting my anger out in smaller bursts by having little digs at him - that's not cool. I don't want to be that person, criticing him like his dad did :smileysad:

Any advice please. 

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Thu, 08-30-2012 - 11:32am
As the others have said, he can improve and control his anger if he continues to work on it and go to therapy. How long that might take, its hard to say but it could be a while. The question we can't answer for you is can/will you wait that long?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Thu, 08-30-2012 - 2:08pm

Another relevant question is SHOULD you wait that long?  Life is what we see passing by in the distance while we wait for someone to change.