it's almost 6 years,,he won't propose

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
it's almost 6 years,,he won't propose
9
Sun, 06-29-2003 - 4:43pm
Sorry, if it's too long

when i started going out with my boyfriend he told me that if we were together for two years we would get married. two years past and he said that since i was still in college we should wait. then a few months before we've been together 5 years we moved in together and he told me that on out fifth year we would get engaged.

Well nothing happened. So this last chrismas we had a serious conversation on how i Want to get married and that if he doesn't then we need to rethink our relationship. Then he told me "OK by June, I promise". It is now the last day of June and nothing. I've told him that i will move back tomy parents if we are not engaged. (which we aren't)

This is the second time that he has not done what he said he would. His excuse is that I want and expensive ring and he doesn't have money to get it. But that is a bunch of b.s. All i am asking is for a decent ring ~2,000. plus he's had years to save if he really wanted to marry me. He could also ask his dad to lend him the money, just like he did to get his sports car.

My best friend told me that i shoud get a hint when it's been thrown in my face twice.

Tommorrow is June 3oth. I want to go through with moving out, but i am afraid becuase we have been together for so long. I dont' want to make a mistake, but i don't want him to think that I will be there forever and give him everything without getting something back.

please help, give me any advice. thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Sun, 06-29-2003 - 5:45pm
Well, no offense, but marriage ain't about an engagement ring. Many of the women I know don't have engagement rings at all.

Tell him "all I want honey, is a wedding band, and I'll marry you at the courthouse on July 1 if you're willing" and see what he says.

If he balks, or refuses to set ANY date, you have a problem.

If YOU balk, in part b/c you want that $2000 engagement ring, you also have a problem.

What's the "something" you want back? A ring? Perhaps he should trade in his sports car if he "really" loves you. Or perhaps he loves you and (like myself) he doesn't think an expensive engagement ring will prove it.

If it's not all about the ring for you, try my suggestion--he may be more willing than you think he is. Or he may be trying to avoid marriage, in which case you can move back with your parents.

Saucygirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 06-29-2003 - 10:43pm
I don't think you'll be making a mistake when you move out. I think your mistake was not breaking up with him at the two year mark when he said you had to finish college. You can still attend college with an engagement ring as everyone knows...you could have set a date for when you got your degree.

How many times exactly do you need to draw the line across the sand until you get it that he doesn't want to marry you??

It's very simple...he's very nice and everything you want...but you are NOT getting your needs met in this relationship...only he is. If you want marriage...you better get rid of this guy so that you can find someone to marry. That whole story about a ring is stupid. We all know it's not about the ring. It's about him not wanting to get married, period.

If you stay around or go home and take him back...what you've in fact taught him is that he doesn't have to do anything for you because you'll stick around. Why should he believe you that you'll leave? You haven't before. Pack up, go home and mourn this relationship because after all it's been six years...but then start getting out there and dating different men. Block this guy and completely ignore him. He had six years to propose. His time is up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
Sun, 06-29-2003 - 11:15pm
thanks for writing back.

I know it's not a about the ring, he just says that he wants to get me a ring but can't afford it,

downbythebay: everything you said is exactly what I feel, I feel like he doesn't want to marry me, even though when i confront him about it he says he does but the ring and stuff. Like you said, he thinks I'll always be there. I really want to leave, but it's so hard. It's scary.

Also, at this point I feel like we have been together for so long that we either have to get married or let go, and obviously the marriage thing ain't happening.

I'll keep you updated :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-30-2003 - 1:45am
Yeah - I agree it is not about the ring!

I think that he dosn't want to get married - at all - ever.

However... there is one easy way to find out his intentions - propose to him.

If he says yes - set a date. Go halves on a wedding band, take it from there.

If he hesitates, fobs you off or changes the subject you have your answer.

The only thing worse than not having your needs met for 6 years is to not have your needs met for 6 years and one day and counting...etc. It is most unlikely that he will ever want to marry you in the future if he cannot commit to an engagement to you now. You have to decide how important it is for you to be married in your life.

If it is, you must get yourself free and heal ....and then look for another life partner who wants the same things in life as you do.

Don't stick with him because you are afraid of being alone. Being alone is healthy and you will be a better whole independant person for the experience.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
Mon, 06-30-2003 - 9:21am
I was in your shoes once. Except I stayed w/the guy for 16 yrs, and all I got out of it was older.

If his reasons for not wanting to marry you sound like excuses to you, then that's what they are (they sound that way to me too). After that 16-yr episode, I realized that a man either wants to marry you, or not; either he loves you enough to make it legal, or he doesn't. If you have to "strong-arm" him, you're just forcing his hand to do something he doesn't want to do of his own free will. Ultimately he'll resent you for it, and he'll use that to blame you for that, the Vietnam war, and other things that go awry in his life and your lives together.

I think you've reached the point where you can tell him, "Look, you've been wishy-washy to this point. I want to get married, and since you don't, goodbye." Mean it, and know you aren't coming back. Console yourself w/the fact that you gave it the ol' College Try, and time's a-wasting. Why stay w/this clown who doesn't want you, when you could be available for another clown who does? And ask yourself: why do you want a man who doesn't want you?

Ash

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 06-30-2003 - 10:29pm
I am new to these boards. I assume everyone is supposed to respond to everyone's problems? I hope so, because here I go.

I think that as soon as you pack a bag and move out for a couple of days, just to show him you mean business, he'll be knocking on your door. He might not have a ring (but I get the feeling from your posts that it isn't the ring as much as what the ring symbolizes) but I'd be willing to be he'd be ready to sit down and set a date. The trick to this is, however, that you must actually mean business. Tell yourself that you are really moving out and moving on. If he shows up, he loves you and you have done the right thing. If he doesn't show up, you have saved yourself six more years of heartache and you have done the right thing.

Hope this helps.

Sarah
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-01-2003 - 12:46am
Be strong and stick by your convictions...guts don't lie.

Listen, I separated from my husband when I was 36...with two kids...and I had a lot of baggage. And I mourned and moved on and rebuilt my life. I recreated me. You know all that stuff that you don't do anymore because he doesn't like it? Well, for me it meant turning off the TV and reading a book instead. It meant inviting friends over for dinner. It meant going to the gym and working out instead of sitting around...it meant not having to go to his mother's and sit around bored out of my mind. This can be sad, but it can be exciting. You can think about who you want to be and go there. For me it was even about clothes because when we met, I dressed 'alternative', but I toned it down at his request...and I went back to wearing my style of clothing. It's grand.

when you are feeling good about yourself and are done being sad about this...someone will fall into your lap. Heck, if it happened to me, why in the world wouldn't it happen to you?? I'm not special. Don't be afraid of life. Chase your dream.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-01-2003 - 12:47am
proposing to him is like asking a guy to go out on a date...he may be flattered enough to say yes, but in his heart not be interested and it will blow up in your face later. Besides, he's had his chance.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-01-2003 - 2:53am
"proposing to him is like asking a guy to go out on a date...he may be flattered enough to say yes, but in his heart not be interested and it will blow up in your face later. Besides, he's had his chance. "

Complete rubbish!

- Take charge of your own life, stop wasting time and stop complaining!

I proposed to my then boyfriend of two years in Aug 2000 when we went on an overseas holiday to Melbourne to celebrate our 2 year anniversary.

We've been happily married for 2.5 years now, together for almost 5.

We've travelled through Asia and the UK and own our own home.

We are now activily trying to have our first child!

Good things happen to those who make them happen!