Lied to for Entire Relationship...

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Lied to for Entire Relationship...
6
Fri, 08-10-2012 - 2:19pm

My boyfriend is a loving man. He is sweet, caring and not abusive. He is one of the best that I've dated. We have dated 22 months.

When we first started dating, he told me he worked at a hotel. He was always uninterested in talking about his work and very dismissive when it came to talking about mine partially because I think he was ashamed of his job. However, throughout our entire relationship he has been broke quite frequently. I am left paying for the majority of dates while when he does have money, he does pay for dates when he can. I let that slide. At the beginning of July, he became unemployed. That's not a big deal, as the job market is unstable. 2 weeks ago, I found a paycheck from May on his kitchen table that said GNC. I was suprised. All this time, I thought he worked at the hotel and I was wrong. I kept it to myself because I knew he was currently unemployed and just started collecting and I felt betrayed. I ended up confronting him and telling him that he lied about his job. He countered by saying I wouldn't date him if he didn't have a job and he didn't know how to tell me. He knew it was wrong but didn't want to ruin things. I had to explain to him if he really loved me he would have been forthcoming instead of waiting for me to get caught. I understand it's better to have a job in this economy than none at all, but there shouldn't be any reason to lie about something so stupid. I feel like he was a child who broke something and purposely hid it. What hurts me is that he didn't trust me enough, didn't love me enough to tell the truth. I feel that truth is love. I'm very torn about what to do because I do love him but there is no reason to lie about such a thing.

Long story short, should I stay with him and work through it?   

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Fri, 08-10-2012 - 3:08pm
ccheckers wrote: I feel like he was a child who broke something and purposely hid it.

 

Reminds me of when my sister found out her husband had invited his crackhead friends to stay at their house while she was traveling abroad for several weeks on business.  Said he, "Well, if I'd told you, you would have been mad!"  Just like a little kid - "but if I tell you, you'll be mad!"

There are little lies, like "I was at Rob's house" when really he was having a beer with his friend at a bar, and there are the whoppers, like "I've never been married" when he was at age 18 for less than a year, or "I work at a hotel" when he's been working at GNC.  That IS a problem.  I could see him saying on a second or third date, "You know how I said I work at a hotel?  Well, I'd like to because I have a degree in hotel management, but the reality is that I haven't been able to get a hotel job so right now I'm working at GNC.  I was embarrassed to tell you at first, but now that I realize how much I like you, I thought you should know."

It's not the same thing as the psycho ex-girlfriend, or online dating when you're supposed to be committed, or the love child that pops up out of nowhere, but frankly I'd find it hard to trust someone who didn't trust *me*.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 08-10-2012 - 7:51pm

I think it's a sign of a very insecure person who felt that he had to lie to impress you--then of course the longer things went on, it became bigger & bigger cause how could he say "well I've been lying to you about my job for almost 2 years now."  I can't say whether to break up w/ him or not--I'm sure he would have to regain your trust.  Oh my 2nd DH lied about how many times he had been married!  I thought I was DW no. 2 but I was really no. 3--his first DW (mother of his child) had died but he had a short marriage after that.  I don't know how he made sure that his DD never told me the truth.  I only found out by accident, like you--then he said "I thought I had told you."  Duh, no I think I would have remembered that one!

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Wed, 08-15-2012 - 12:42pm
Lying is never the right thing to do but his motives for lying only appear to be good. He really wanted to be with you and was afraid you would not consider it if you knew the truth. If he has no other history of lying and you are happy with him in your relationship otherwise, then I would consider giving him a chance.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2012
Thu, 11-22-2012 - 4:08pm
It has nothing to do with love and everything to do with his insecurity and not knoing how to impress you. He was trying to get the date and as time went by he probably didn't put much mind into it. Try to see it from his initial standpoint, his focus was to get together with you and he wasn't sure if you would accept him or not, not saying he was right, but it was his dating style. So he lied about where he works, you fell in love and have a good relationship aside from that. It isn' t the end of the world. The way you approached him was a bit insensitive, the guy didn't want you to feel little of him, so yeah he lied. In some odd way you should be flattered that he liked you enough to overthink the situaton. I would apologize for being insensitive and tell him you're flattered he went through so much trouble.Finally, explain to him nicely that lieing isn't necesary now that you both have passed the initial dating phase, which you did a while ago, but put things on track.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Fri, 03-08-2013 - 11:51am

A Liar is a Liar is a Liar.  If he's so insecure that 22 months ago when he met you he was ashamed to be working at GNC, how is a hotel that much better, particularly since he wouldn't even tell you what he did there.  He has problems.  You can't "work thru" HIS problems, he has to do that.  You've spent 22 months of your life with a liar, and you don't know what else he might have been lying about.  Time to cut your losses and move on, before you waste any more time on him.  He has problems and HE has to fix them, you can't do it.