My boyfriend lied about his past!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2005
My boyfriend lied about his past!
5
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 12:32am

My boyfriend (I'll call him M) and I met at the end of August of this year. We really liked each other and things progressed really quickly. He told me when me met that he had gotten out of a relationship with his ex a while ago and they had lived together. They had been together about 3 years and they moved in together in July of 2005. I asked when they broke up and he told me it was January or February of 2006; that it had been at least 7 months before we met and that they hadn't gotten along before that anyway. I was a little scared about me being a rebound but he assured me that I wasn't. He told me he had dated a lot since they had broken up and he had been alone and pretty much single for a long time; long enough to know what he wanted and that he wanted to have a relationship.

Well, M was pretty insistant about us moving fast and becoming monogamous and saying we loved each other after only about 2 or 3 weeks (I think 3). He said he thought I was "the one." After the first couple weeks he told me about how he had almost proposed to his ex before they broke up but he had bought the ring and before he proposed he realized how bad of a person she was so he didn't propose and instead broke up with her.

Well, a few weeeks later the story changed but the proposal still occured in winter. He said after his ex had moved out he flew out to visit her and he proposed but she said no. I was a little bothered but he said it was long ago and he was totally over her. Over the next month he asked me to move in with him and talked about how he wanted to get married and have kids someday and settle down. I told him I didn't want to move too fast but never doubted that it was me he wanted.

Tonight I was hanging out with M and his ex called and I asked when he had seen her last and it looked like he was lying. (I wasn't concerned about the call, I talk to my ex too because I think it's OK to be friends). He said it was the last time he went home, when he was on vacation. That was 2 weeks before we met. I asked when he proposed to her again. He said it was at that time! I asked when they broke up. He said June or July! I got so upset and angry and asked him why he lied and he got very defensive and said I must have misunderstood what he had said before. I said I was positive I didn't (and I know that he directly lied, look at the first story he told me without me even asking) and I told him that I had told him again and again that the only thing I was concerned about was that I was a rebound. I had told him that I wanted to make sure we didn't rush things if he was just out of a relationship but he always assured me it was long ago.

He got mad when I wouldn't accept his apology right away and got angry that he lied to me so he gave me his key and wanted to break up. I told him to just wait and I got mad that he would be so angry when it's him who is wrong. He asked why the past should matter since it's me who he loves and wants to be with. I think it totally matters and changes everything. He told me he slept with 10 or 15 girls between breaking up with his ex and meeting me so he knows he wants to be with me. Well, that's nice to know now seeing that those girls were in less than a 2 month time frame!!!! Well, I just wanted some advice, even though I'm pretty sure I know what it'll be. Is there any reason to work this out? We were getting along great and I thought everything was good but I don't know what else he lied about and now I feel everything has changed! Is defensive behavior usually indicative of a liar? Should I just end it or should we just slow down? I'm lost.... My whole relationship was just thrown upsidedown. He told me those girls made him realize that he wanted a relationship so he went to his ex but he definately doesn't want her but when he met me he realized I'm really the girl he can be with. Well I think he might be confused! He said he's different than me so I can't apply how I felt after my breakup to how he feels. I don't know!!! Thanks for your help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 8:08am
In the first couple months of a relationship, its all about "best foot forward". Now, the real him is starting to show and unfortunately, you are seeing that he lies. It would be a HUGE red flag to me.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 12:30pm

It always scares me when I read stories like this on the boards because it gives me flashbacks to all the

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 6:14pm

Selective memory? Ha Ha - sounds like he was afraid of telling you the truth, but forgot he lied. Now he's caught. The line "what does the past matter?' Well, it wouldn't matter if he had been upfront about it, if he had explained what he learned, how he changed, but instead he got angry. He knows he's wrong, so the anger is a smoke screen to throw you off. Don't fall for it.

Sorry you have to go through this.




Edited 11/15/2006 6:15 pm ET by itwinflame


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 8:25pm
Lies and more lies...that should be your deal breaker. If he lies now he'll lie after. If he gets defensive, he may have some more squeletons in the closet. I wouldn't want to be around to dicover them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 4:27pm
If what he has done bothers you that much then break up with him.