Not attracted to my husband anymore

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2010
Not attracted to my husband anymore
7
Sun, 02-19-2012 - 11:17pm

Hi everyone, I"ve never posted here before but I thought I'd give it a shot. I've been married 4 years, with my husband or almost 10, but over the last 3 years I have found myself less and less physically attracted to him. Now I feel there is no physical/sexual attraction left at all. We do not have children. Aside from this issue, our marriage is mostly good. We get along well, share countless interests, are very in sync with each other, etc. However, I have always been the breadwinner in our relationship; I used to think it was just taking him a little longer than expected to get himself into a career...now I'm beginning to think he's sort of a n'er do well, professionally speaking. Could my not being attracted to him have anything to do with this? For reference, he is still completely attracted to me and does not fully know, thank goodness, how I feel about this. How can I carry on in a marriage where I do not even want him to touch me? This really isn't an issue of "mismatched libidos," either, as my libido is perfectly fine. It's just that my husband doesn't interest it. Any advice? Thanks for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
Mon, 02-20-2012 - 12:04am

I know how you feel. I am going to suggest counseling...
I have been married almost 7, together almost 9. I love my H very much and we have kids. He is my partner, my best friend, and he is still attracted and wants sex from me. But, I just don't feel the attraction and don't want him to touch me...
I feel exactly the same way regarding it not being a case of mismatched libidos. My libido is perfectly fine as well, I just don't want to exercise it on my H.
I personally am struggling with carrying on in a marriage where I don't want to be touched. I am a little farther gone than you, I think as I have actually gone outside the marriage. It is complicated, confusing and hurtful to all parties but you sound like me, and I fear for others in my situation.
I am exploring this non-attraction issue in counseling. My therapist has theories of me not being sexually interested in someone 'available' and my inability to fully make myself vulnerable and open to a committed partner. Not saying I have any idea if this relates to you but there can indeed by psychological issues involved with the lack of attraction, as you say perhaps his career situation.
Same here, my H does not fully know how I feel and I am glad...I don't want him to be hurt.
Well, i guess I rambled but my main advice here is - seek counseling and get some professional advice from a good relationship therapist. I would recommend going on your own at first and seeing if the therapist then recommends marital/couples counesling together. Good luck:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 02-20-2012 - 12:16am

You were with him for 10 years before you married him, or ten years total, four of them married?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Mon, 02-20-2012 - 1:59am

Oh yes, problems outside the bedroom can very much cause problems inside the bedroom.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2010
Mon, 02-20-2012 - 1:09pm

Hi fiss, together for a total of 10. He does do a lot around the house to make up for my supporting him. He is the primary cook, does at least half of the cleaning, etc. He pulls his weight. It's just taking his career a long time to "take off" (for reference, this might help the situation make more sense, he's in the arts...so he is ambitious, it's just a very hit or miss profession). As for me, I was young when we first got together and didn't so much mind living like bohemians. Now I do. I have talked to him about it...he is only willing to do so much (ie., he's not willing to get a job in a non-arts field in order to make money, which is a problem for me).

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2010
Mon, 02-20-2012 - 1:15pm

Miss, thanks for your response. Sadly, I have gone outside the marriage too. I feel awful about this. I thought it would just be a little fling to help relieve some of the "tension" I have been feeling with not having any of my needs met in my marriage, but I was wrong about that. I did end it and haven't spoken to him for months and months, so that's good, but obviously it did absolutely nothing to help the marriage problems, heh.

It's very interesting to me your doctor's theory of you not being attracted to someone "available"...I think that could quite possibly be part of my problem. This gives me hope that therapy could do me some good. Thanks so much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
Mon, 02-20-2012 - 2:05pm
I am glad you found my post helpful. It sounds like we have a lot in common actually with our situations. I know how confusing it can be and that is where a good counselor can come in and help sort things out.
Hugs,
Miss
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2011
Mon, 02-27-2012 - 3:10pm

I am finding myself in the same sitation. I have only been with my partner for 3 years, however he has many times taken advantage of me financially, and not shown any ounce of remose or willingness to pay me back. I have spoken with him many times, and also feel the kind of resentment you are feeling. There have been no changes in his actions, causing me to longer feel attracted to him. I am trying to decided my next step.