Severe lack in communication

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2012
Severe lack in communication
11
Sat, 02-11-2012 - 2:21am

My fiance and I used to be able to talk about everything and anything. That has changed drastically lately. When I try to bring things up, he will get defensive and angry, or just completely ignore me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 02-11-2012 - 6:01am

What should you do?

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Sat, 02-11-2012 - 7:34am
"Lack in communication is not in and of itself a deal breaker"

It should be. If you can't communicate, how can you have a relationship? He's made it clear he's not interested in even acknowledging the problem, let alone resolving it. I agree with fissatore - unfortunately, you're going to have to call off the wedding. Maybe it will be a wake up call for him and make him see that he needs to work on the relationship - and maybe once you're communicating again, you can think about getting married again. But if breaking off the wedding doesn't serve as a wake up call and he continues to deny any problem or work on it, I'm afraid it's time to break the relationship off altogether and move on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Sat, 02-11-2012 - 5:17pm

Lizzie,

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2012
Sat, 02-11-2012 - 5:40pm

I should clarify what I mean by that statement.

I just meant that I would not sit and get all freaked out over the fact that he doesn't have great communication skills. Its something we could work on and I'm willing to be patient, but the fact that he doesn't WANT to work on it is what concerns me.

We have actually decided to postpone the wedding. We don't have a new date set so we're kind of in wedding limbo right now. I do feel a huge relief without the wedding looming over me.

It just sucks because I know this isn't who he is. He's not a mean, unsupportive, checked out guy. I just wish he would open up to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2012
Sat, 02-11-2012 - 5:47pm

@True Blue

I completely understand what you mean. I do try not to just relentlessly bring things up (though sometimes I can't help it) I know I'm not right 100% of the time and I don't expect to be.

I guess it just stuff that he wouldn't have done before. Here's an example:

On New Years we had a little get together. Everyone was having drinks and joking around. He made a joke during a game that really cut deep. It REALLY hurt my feelings. I brought it up later and told him it hurt my feelings and he wouldn't apologize. He rationalized it away because everyone was joking so he didn't see why I was hurt.

When I've brought it up recently, it was just as an example on why I feel like things have changed between us and he just instantly gets defensive and starts rationalizing it again. To this day he hasn't apologized for hurting my feelings.

He never used to be like that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Sat, 02-11-2012 - 7:34pm

Lizzie, how long have the two of you been together for?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Sat, 02-11-2012 - 7:43pm

Lizzie, thinking further....this ISN'T a communication problem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 02-12-2012 - 12:02am

This is where you're wrong!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Sun, 02-12-2012 - 2:26am

Fissatore is right:

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2012
Mon, 02-13-2012 - 1:27pm

We've been together for about two years.

I just don't want to believe that he really is this mean. I mean, what I am hoping for is that something is going on with him, and its causing him so much stress that its making him act in ways he normally wouldn't. If that's the case, than we can work through it (if he will talk to me)

If its not, than its true that this is just who he is, and there may not be hope for our future. This thought just makes me so sad, because this really is one of those situations of "when its good, its SO GOOD"

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