Should I End it?

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Should I End it?
Tue, 07-03-2012 - 11:56am

Hey everyone!  I'm new here so bear with me!  To make a long story as short as possible, my husband and I will be married for 2 years this month, 1 year of which we have been separated.  We have a 4 year old daughter.  I decided that we needed to separate last summer, as many things happened in our lives that drove wedges in our relationship and I felt like things weren't going to get better (job situations, death in the family, mother in law moving in with us, etc).  There was also another man in my life, who at the time was a friend, but my husband thought I was having an affair.  During our year of separation, we both tried to move on and seen other people.  But after being separated, I have realized how important my marriage is and how much I want it to work. 

For a few months  now we have been getting together as often as possible, as he lives 2 hours away.  We have been trying to work things out.  This has been extremely difficult for me, so i made the decision to move where he is.  I landed myself a job and have found a rental home and will be making the move.

During these months, we have been acting like a 'normal' couple again.  I've made quite a few changes during our separation and have tried to show him how much our relationship means to me.  The thing that gets me during this time is that he can't say that we are together.  We can go out in public where his hometown friends are and his current roommates know what is going on with us, but there are friends in his current town that I feel like he is hiding me from.  As silly as it sounds, he couldn't even approve that we are in relationship on fb, when we are actually married!  Recently, i found out that he is still talking to one of the girls he hung out with while we were separated.  She is one of his friends on fb, could this be why he can't approve our relationship?  I feel so silly that this has to be an issue, but it hurts. 

He tells me that he wants to take things slow, that he doesn't want to be hurt again.  He's also told me that he eventually wants to move in together again.  I need some sort of validation from him that we are together, but he can't do it.  Do I just give it more time?  Should him spending time with me when he can be enough?  I really don't want to get a divorce, but I'm stuck!  Since i'm going to be closer, should I see how it goes?

This frustrates me so much that I get upset and take it out on him, when I don't mean to.  This just happened the other day and we haven't talked for almost 2 days!  Idk what to do...any advice would be appreciated!

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
In reply to:
Wed, 08-15-2012 - 12:56pm
You do not mention how he feels about your planned move to his hometown. Is he excited about it? Does he want you to? Or is this 100% your plan? If I were you I would not move there just for him and your marriage. You need a better practical reason like a better job, etc. What if things do not work out and there you are in his town. Are you ok with that? You need to start seeing some major improvements in your relationship before you make that move. Give it more time. Stay where you are. At this point you are technically married but in reality you are dating, and maybe not even exclusively. He might be keeping his options open.