Should I stay or Leave?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2008
Should I stay or Leave?
3
Fri, 08-16-2013 - 10:44pm

    Hi I am so frustrated! I have been married for 20 years and known my DH for 23. I can honestly say I do love him. He wasn't my first true love but he was my first in many ways even intimacy. We have three healthy children. But I'm miserable. In the beginning we could talk for hours but our issues were the sex part. I had been abused and I truly struggled with getting close to anyone even the person I had said I do to. It took many years to work through this and we did. I hate how it was but I truly wasn't trying to push him away, I would have flashbacks and couldn't move past it. But like I said I began to trust him which took time because before he really got it he sorta forced me to do things at times. I would give in and just cry later. But he realized and stopped and after about 7 years in we were working through it. We both have hurt each other over the years. He drank and would lie and tell me he wasn't and hang with someone I hated him hanging out with, unitl that person was arrested for stealing and then he saw. But over the years we talk less and he just doesn't seem interested in me. Our children are now older in high school and military so we have time we could spend together but it doesn't happen. I know he works and so do I but I miss just talking and being close. He never says he loves me anymore and sex went from once a month to once every two months. I have worked hard to stay in shape and desirable. It just doesn't seem to be interested. He has always liked to pick on me and kid around but the last four years it's not picking or to me its not. It is disrespect. Now my boys are doing it and sadly i blame him because he sttod up to me right about the time our first one was becomig a teen and overrode my strictness. He changed rules to be the good dad. Well now these boys give him a fit at times. They are good boys but when he calls them on something they call him on his behavior or it blows up into an argument. I have to say i kinda resent him for now making them respect himself and me. I honestly don't think they even realize it, it's just what they have saw. My youngest was appalled when I told him he was being disresptectful, he cried and said it was just picking and playing. Today my middle child was mocking me and my youngest could see it was bothering me and he stood up and told him to stop. The whole time my DH is standing there watching knowing I am on the phone doing important stuff. It's hard to listen to recorded voices and pick the right thing when all this is happening. Turn outs I walk away but as I do the older one is really picking and irritating the youngest  and he slips on the waxed floor  with sock feet. They see him do this( pick to the extreme) but he flips because he thinks the youngest might be hurt, so he blesses out the older of the two. It turns into a back and forth and then my son leaves and burns rubber leaving of which my husband flips but guess what he saw his dad do it when he gets pissed. Yes, my DH doesn't do it now as he has a job that he has to hold a standard to but the point is they saw it. It still doesn't make it right and I was worried sick he would have a wreck going to work because he was upset. Anyway, he tells me he can never drive again and I say they get it from you. They have saw you flip. And it all started with picking and you thought it was cute until someone might really be hurt even though the call I made was very important and you knew that. I know this doesn't seem major but I just feel miserable. We are in our early 40s we aren't that old but all he wants to do is watch TV when he is off. We never talk as a family or as a couple. I have told him many times I need to feel needed and wanted, most times i dont get a response but once he did say you have a ring on your finger which means your married so that means i want you, saying i love you is overrated. I know he works 12 hour shifts but only 14 days out of a month so come on tell me the girl you use to could write 10 page letters to and talk for hours to you cant say more to than what we eating. or where are the kids? total bull. Today i told him I want to leave that i feel totally alone. The boys dont need me like before and apparently the time we said we would have when they grow up doesnt matter to him. He is content in his recliner watching Netflix and playing candy crush on his phone. He said yeah i heard this last year and the year before you are going to leave me, so just go. I asked is that what he wants he says its what you want. I said if that is what i wanted why would I have stayed this long. I get no response.  He is a good father he really is but the two of us don't seem to share anytime anymore. If I complain he avoids or ignores. Now if we are in public and he thinks a guy might be interested he will put his arm around me. In pictures he will act all lovey dovey but when its just us no matter what i try he is content with just being here. I dont have friends that i hang out with anymore because he made me feel guilty. About 7 years ago I found myself in a EA because I enjoyed the conversation and my mistake was that he was a guy. When the guy wanted more I put on the brakes but would still talk to him from time to time because i craved that attention. Right now, Im one one couch and he is on the other. We just don't click anymore and I would rather live in an apartment alone or with the boys if they choose then sleep next to a man when I force myself to sleep in there and him totally avoid me. I am not interested in finding someone just am tired of living in a house feeling alone and not wanted. I am just tired of not feeling supported or loved. When family memebers close to me were sick and dying he gave me grieve i wasn't with him but with him just means sitting in this house watching movies.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 08-18-2013 - 12:27am

Have you tried counseling?  If not, why not? If he won't go, go by yourself to learn how to deal with him, or even whether or not to stay with him.  It's sad to be married, and yet be lonely!  You say he's a good father?  Yet he taught your sons to be disrespectful to you, and encourages it?  That's not being a good father, anything but!  They will grow up, marry, and disrespect their wives, too.  If you can afford to live on your own, then maybe you should just move out, and leave him with his disrespectful children, and then maybe he'll appreciate what he HAD.......and want you back.  And that's when you set down the rules of the house, and what you want from him.  If they don't agree to what you want, then it's time to find a good lawyer.  You're young, you have a lot of years ahead of you.......and if there is no way to end the misery with him, then it's time to be alone and be happy.  Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2008
Thu, 08-29-2013 - 5:23pm

Hi! We actually set down as a family and I told them how I felt. My youngest almost started crying. He said, Mom we are just playing. As for my hubby and I, no we have never been to counseling. He wont go. He says he loves me and asked if I loved him. I told him I do love and care for him but feel very much alone. He is so not the man I married but neither am I the woman he married.

He will go out of his ways for the boys and go above and beyond on somethings. But what concerns me is my H is somewhat jealous or envious of my oldest son. He doesn't like he talks to me and will confide in me. Yet my husband rarely talks to me and has always acted like his mom does and makes smart remarks about them being mommas boys. My oldest join the Marines, so I wouldn't say he is a mommas boy. But little things like he called the other day and my h got up and went into the other room. I thought oh that must be his dad. Then after like 40 minutes he comes through and says okay bye son. Oh would you like to talk to your brother before he leaves for work? He does and then husband says well its been nice talking to you but I better get off of here,  i promised your brother, ( the youngest one) I would take him to the sports store. It was good hearing from you. Thanks for calling bye as I was saying can I talk to him. His reply was oh well you talked to him the other day so i thought you wouldnt want to talk to him but you probably can call him back. He said he might call back this evening. I taped the call when my son called and my hubby was at work just so he could hear his voice. Then I sent peanut butter fudge to him and he posted on a social site thank you mom i needed this today. My hubby got mad, he said my money is in that account to. I asked him had he looked at my reply which said, "Your welcome Dad and I wanted to do something to let you know we were thinking of you. But honestly, my hubby didnt even know i had sent the fudge. He is hot then cold with me. For two years about three years ago he was laid off, I tried everything to get him to walk with me and stay in shape and keep his health up. He refused but now he works for the Sheriff's department and he stays over and works out but wont join a gym with me and doesn't want me to go to the gym unless i go to an all woman one. But where he goes it's both. But only employees can work out there. I don't know. i just don't want to be sitting here in 20 years wishing I had done something else. He is so not a risk taker and that's not always bad I know but sometimes it would be nice if he would not worry so much. He says he loves me but he doesn't act like it unless we are around folks so to speak. I don't know the answer. If he would go to couseling i would go for sure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Fri, 08-30-2013 - 1:43am

You don't need him to go to counseling if he won't.........YOU go!  You need some insight into your acceptance of his rudeness and lack of common courtesy.  Everyone talked to your son when he called, except you, so your sons are already acting just like their father.......in other words, they're just as rude as he is, and they show you no respect.  When they get married, they will be just like their father.  It's probably too late to save them already.  This man is also a controller.  You have to join an all female gym?  Tell him when he's in an all male gym, you'll do it, until then you need to go to the most convenient gym, no matter who's there. 

Get to a counselor, learn to either stand up for yourself, or get out of the unhappy situation you're in.  Maybe you'll be able to turn your sons around with some help, too.........because he's already brainwashed them into thinking women aren't to be respected.