Together for 5 years and don't feel it anymore

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2012
Together for 5 years and don't feel it anymore
5
Tue, 10-23-2012 - 11:17am

I have been dating my boyfriend for 5 years now.  Last December we moved in together and I didn't know how things would work out.  A little back ground information.  He is my first serious boyfriend and was the first guy I ever had sex with. 

About 3 summers ago now I had amazing summer internship and he was just working a part time job.  He was unhappy with his life and pushing me away.  At this summer internship there was a guy that worked there and we start flirting and talking.  Nothing ever did happen between the guy and me.  He did text me once and my boyfriend found it and we did break up but only a few days.  I decided to give my boyfriend another chance and to work things out.  Because by this time we had either been dating 2 or 3 years and I didn't just want to throw it all away.  But in someway I think maybe we should of just called it quites then.  I have never done anything like this since, and I don't want to either.

But now he has complete changed after we moved in together.  He is lazy and doesn't ever want to really do anything or even help me around our place.  I ask him to help me clean and it doesn't get done.  He could sleep awhole day away if he could.  He thinks its okay to hide things from me, not like other women but alcohol and things that are wrong with him.  About a month or two ago I found empty vodka bottles in his man cave.  He said he was drinking them when he had bad shakes.  A couple of months ago his body has start shaking and can shake all day at times.  I finally lost it one night and told him that if he doesn't at least go to a doctor that I will leave no matter what.  Because I can't take this anymore.  He hasn't gone to the doctor yet, because he is waiting on his insurance from is new job.  But now he seems to just drink the vodka when ever and I think he is become way too depent on it. 

We hardly every have sex anymore and that is mostly because of me.  I love him and I think I will always love him because he was my first, but I don't know if that is enough for me to stay anymore.  We have been fighting all the time.  We hardly even hang out with each other and when we do he sleeps.  I don't know what to do.  Someways I know its over and someways I just want to see about how to fix it.  But I don't even know if this is fixable anymore.  I feel like I'm losing myself and I don't like that.

Another reason it's so hard to decide is because my family and his family.  Because we have been dating for so long its going to be hard to say good bye to some of his family memebers.  Another reason we have also been having problems is because of his mom.  His not a mom's boy or anything like that.  But his mom seems to like his brother's girlfriend a little more then me.  They do everything together and not once has she asked me to do anything with her or even invited me when those two do something.  It bothers me a lot.  I want to date someone who's mom doesn't treat me different.

I'm just looking for someone to give me some insight on what to do or anything.  Thanks!

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012

countrygirlatheart84 wrote:
<p>I have been dating my boyfriend for 5 years now.  Last December we moved in together and I didn't know how things would work out.  A little back ground information.  He is my first serious boyfriend and was the first guy I ever had sex with. </p><p>About 3 summers ago now I had amazing summer internship and he was just working a part time job.  He was unhappy with his life and pushing me away.  At this summer internship there was a guy that worked there and we start flirting and talking.  Nothing ever did happen between the guy and me.  He did text me once and my boyfriend found it and we did break up but only a few days.  I decided to give my boyfriend another chance and to work things out.  Because by this time we had either been dating 2 or 3 years and I didn't just want to throw it all away.  But in someway I think maybe we should of just called it quites then.  I have never done anything like this since, and I don't want to either.</p><p>But now he has complete changed after we moved in together.  He is lazy and doesn't ever want to really do anything or even help me around our place.  I ask him to help me clean and it doesn't get done.  He could sleep awhole day away if he could.  He thinks its okay to hide things from me, not like other women but alcohol and things that are wrong with him.  About a month or two ago I found empty vodka bottles in his man cave.  He said he was drinking them when he had bad shakes.  A couple of months ago his body has start shaking and can shake all day at times.  I finally lost it one night and told him that if he doesn't at least go to a doctor that I will leave no matter what.  Because I can't take this anymore.  He hasn't gone to the doctor yet, because he is waiting on his insurance from is new job.  But now he seems to just drink the vodka when ever and I think he is become way too depent on it. </p><p>We hardly every have sex anymore and that is mostly because of me.  I love him and I think I will always love him because he was my first, but I don't know if that is enough for me to stay anymore.  We have been fighting all the time.  We hardly even hang out with each other and when we do he sleeps.  I don't know what to do.  Someways I know its over and someways I just want to see about how to fix it.  But I don't even know if this is fixable anymore.  I feel like I'm losing myself and I don't like that.</p><p>Another reason it's so hard to decide is because my family and his family.  Because we have been dating for so long its going to be hard to say good bye to some of his family memebers.  Another reason we have also been having problems is because of his mom.  His not a mom's boy or anything like that.  But his mom seems to like his brother's girlfriend a little more then me.  They do everything together and not once has she asked me to do anything with her or even invited me when those two do something.  It bothers me a lot.  I want to date someone who's mom doesn't treat me different.</p><p>I'm just looking for someone to give me some insight on what to do or anything.  Thanks!</p>

Your boyfriend is an alcoholic and there is nothing about you nor anything you can do to make him stop drinking. That has to come from him and him only.  He's been hiding his drinking from you--and it was easier to hide if from you before you moved in-- but now that you're living there you're up in his space and you can now see that his alcoholism is so severe that he's got the DT's--delirium tremens:

http://alcoholselfhelpnews.wordpress.com/2007/03/31/dt%E2%80%99s-the-delirium-tremens/

What is delirium tremens?

Delirium tremens (the DTs) is a severe reaction to withdrawal from alcohol. Delirium tremens can be deadly.

The DTs usually start 24 to 72 hours after a chronic alcoholic either stops or limits drinking.

How does it occur?
Chronic drinking changes the way the body and brain work. When you drink less or completely stop drinking, your body and brain chemistry change again. While you are going through these changes, you suffer severe reactions.

What are the symptoms?

Symptoms of the DTs include:

  • nightmares (accompanied by the sense of not being able to breathe)
  • anxiety or panic attacks
  • tremors or shakes
  • restlessness and inability to sleep
  • delusions (believing things that are not true)
  • hallucinations (hearing or seeing things that are not there)
    disturbed behavior
  • confusion and disorientation
  • dizziness
  • rapid heartbeat
  • fever
  • dilated pupils
  • seizures
  • sweating.

 

He needs to be in treatment and detox. The longer you stay there, trying to help him, the less motivated he is going to be to seek medical attention.  You staying there pretty much gives your tacit approval for what he's doing.. and he'll end up turning you into his enabler so he can keep on drinking.  Is that how you want to live your life? How many more years of your youth are you willing to pour down this hole? Those are years you'll never get back. Think long and hard about that.

He has to save himself--you can't do that for him.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004

You are obviously not happy. You have an alcoholic for a boyfriend as the other poster has said. As has been said many times around these boards, do not stay with someone just because you have beeen with them for so many years. Don't stay because you don't want to throw away the last so many years. Don't view it as throwing anything away. Chalk it up to a learning experience. He was your first serious boyfriend. It seems you really have not even dated in your life, and already you moved in with your first BF. The guy you met on internship was just a taste of the kind of guy you could find for yourself. The kind of good compatibility that you could have with someone else. You never even gave yourself that chance in life, shacking up with the first guy who came along.

You and him seem so far apart on what you want in life, how you want to live your life, just about everything. If you are staying just because of your history together, then do yourself a favor and leave, because that is not a good reason. You don't owe him anything, and he doesn't owe you anything.

Do you want to live this way for the year? The next 5? 10? Just imagine that for a moment, and if that looks like a nightmare to you, then you know what you have to do.

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Just wanted to say that before I even read the other responses, I too was thinking "he's an alcoholic and it sounds like the shakes are from withdraw". There is a reason he won't go to the doctor - deep down, he probably knows what is causing it and going to the doctor would force him to face that. He doesn't want to go because he doesn't want to stop drinking. And as long as you stay with him, you will be enabling him by showing him you will stick around and put up with it. You stayed and moved forwards in a relationship for years after you already had doubts. Don't hold onto a dead-end relationship just because he was your first. Not many people wind up together forever with their first - accept it as a part of life and move on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2012

I live with someone who abuses alcohol and currently has it 'under' control.  He has always denied he is an alcoholic but I feel differently.  I am married to this man, financially dependent with two boys 3 and 4 years old.  I would get out of this relationship as fast as possible! RUN!! He isn't worth your precious time.  I had three opportunities to leave my current husband and didin't have the courage.  Now I feel trapped at least until my boys are teenagers. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2012

"I feel like I'm losing myself and I don't like that."

At least you're mentally healthy.

You can either stand by him and get him through this phase if you have the patience by helping him get some help, or break-up.