Wait or run?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2007
Wait or run?
30
Mon, 09-10-2012 - 9:55am

About a month ago I went off on my boyfriend because I was frustrated with things between he and I (his constant working – 7 days a week), and I was also too involved in a relative’s drama and took it out on him. He didn't speak to me for about4-5 days after several apologies from me. Well, last Thursday I called him because we hadn’t spoken via phone, only very short texts for almost 2 days. He was being very strange on the phone (he was at work but usually has a quick convo). Instead of going off because I remember the last time, I told him I was getting upset and I was getting off the phone. I haven’t heard from him since. We had plans this weekend, which didn't happen even after I sent a text Friday asking if we were keeping our plans. He never responded. We’ve been together 4 months and things were good prior to this. His schedule is changing where we’ll have more time. We just had a deep talk about 3 weeks ago confirming that we are happy together and want to remain together as long as possible. Even in our discussion I explained to him that going silent and shutting me out wasn't the answer. He said that's how he handles his emotions. And now this disappearing act, again. I haven't called or texted since Friday because I did nothing wrong. I feel I have a right to ask questions and express my disappointment or hurt feelings. I'm not going to walk on eggshells for fear he'll be invisible again. Should I walk away now and count my blessings?

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Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
In reply to: xxxs
Tue, 09-11-2012 - 6:34pm

Whoa get a grip!  He did not call for two whole days!  You are an adult.  He is not one that will be joined at the hip or text /call/smoke signal you as much as you would like.  What happens when you get a career that has long work hours.  If you cannot stand the heat then get out of this kitchen. 

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2007
Tue, 09-11-2012 - 6:49pm
Well I have to disagree. He used to call me 5x a day until I got a new job and went for training. So he IS one that will be joined at least via calls or texts. I guess the key, if there ever is another chance, to figure out how to commucate where we BOTH walk away with a positive impression and hope for progress.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
Tue, 09-11-2012 - 8:04pm
He may not be "punishing" you. He may just be done.

I know from reading lots of posts that women seem to want their man to break up with them during a face to face meeting so they can "get closure". But I guarantee that most men (and lots of women too) avoid that like the plague. Men know that if they break up during a face to face meeting, most likely the woman will cry and possibly beg him not to break up with her, and men don't want to have to deal with that. Hence, the text/email/disappearing act method of breaking up that women hate.

Do you know what you're going to do if he "reappears"?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2007
Tue, 09-11-2012 - 8:34pm
Nope. Other than to play it cool.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2007
Tue, 09-11-2012 - 9:07pm
AGAIN it isn't about the job. Its about him.shutting down and not communicating. But its obvious to me and to you all looking inside, that he doesn't want to. So I'll continue to live my life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2007
Wed, 09-12-2012 - 12:24pm
Well this morning I woke up pissed about being in limbo. So I sent a text asking "is this the silent treatment or are we over?" He replied "Neither. I just don't want to argue." I went on to explain that bringing something to his attention is just that, it doesn't mean an argument is brewing. I also told him that I wont walk on eggshells or bite my tongue for fear that I'll be shut out again. Cutting off communication is the quickest way to kill a relationship.
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
In reply to: xxxs
Wed, 09-12-2012 - 1:16pm

Hi

 I am impressed with this writing:

Well I have to disagree. He used to call me 5x a day until I got a new job and went for training. So he IS one that will be joined at least via calls or texts. I guess the key, if there ever is another chance, to figure out how to commucate where we BOTH walk away with a positive impression and hope for progress.

   I imo am impressed that you cleared up our misconception.  It seems that to me  he needed some space after his possibly uncharacteristic over communicating.  Or other things interfered.  You are right that clear communications are very important.  You did get a glimpse of his concern that it was leading to an argument.  If he is not a verbal fighter(and most men are not) that concern of his is valid.  His misunderstanding of your intent is now revealed.  Good going!

PS.  if you are responding to a particular writer please use the reply button at the bottom of their post.


chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Wed, 09-12-2012 - 5:40pm

Calimama, I was once left in limbo by someone and I hated it.   I hung around waiting for him to call or some type of contact regarding how he was feeling.   I've never felt so impotent in my life!

But I'd never do it again.   If someone left things so that I didn't know where I stood, I'd take the reigns myself and get back in control of my own destiny.    A person who does the distancey attitude is not the type of person I want to be with - so I'd move on.   And I probably wouldn't even tell him that I was moving on.   I mean, if he won't communicate, how can I do a proper breakup?

I would not accept him back if he returned back into my life.

Calimama, you're giving this guy too much power over you.   If he doesn't have the type of behaviour you like, walk away.   These early stages of relationships are all about finding out if someone is a good match and moving on if they are not a match - it's not about working through problems and miscommunications.   You're only 4 months in - it's time to cut and run.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2012
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 4:23pm

Yeah walk away.

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