Wait or run?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2007
Wait or run?
30
Mon, 09-10-2012 - 9:55am

About a month ago I went off on my boyfriend because I was frustrated with things between he and I (his constant working – 7 days a week), and I was also too involved in a relative’s drama and took it out on him. He didn't speak to me for about4-5 days after several apologies from me. Well, last Thursday I called him because we hadn’t spoken via phone, only very short texts for almost 2 days. He was being very strange on the phone (he was at work but usually has a quick convo). Instead of going off because I remember the last time, I told him I was getting upset and I was getting off the phone. I haven’t heard from him since. We had plans this weekend, which didn't happen even after I sent a text Friday asking if we were keeping our plans. He never responded. We’ve been together 4 months and things were good prior to this. His schedule is changing where we’ll have more time. We just had a deep talk about 3 weeks ago confirming that we are happy together and want to remain together as long as possible. Even in our discussion I explained to him that going silent and shutting me out wasn't the answer. He said that's how he handles his emotions. And now this disappearing act, again. I haven't called or texted since Friday because I did nothing wrong. I feel I have a right to ask questions and express my disappointment or hurt feelings. I'm not going to walk on eggshells for fear he'll be invisible again. Should I walk away now and count my blessings?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2007
Tue, 09-11-2012 - 5:56pm
The work hours aren't an issue for me. I'm over.I knew it was gonna be hard, I just didn't know how hard. The issue is him not calling for almost 2 days, me asking him about it, him being nonchalant on the phone and interrupting me while I was trying to address it. And him using silence to punish me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Tue, 09-11-2012 - 5:35pm

Yes, being open with our feelings is a good thing.   As well as helping solve problems, it can also serve to flag incompatibilities which won't be resolved.     We just have to be aware that if we tell someone that their lifestyle isn't suited to us, that they may choose to move on rather than change.   And this is their perogative.  

Just as the OP has a right to want a man who has lots of time for her, the ex-boyfriend has a right to want someone who's fine with him having very long working hours.  

There's no wrong here.....just incompatibility.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2007
Tue, 09-11-2012 - 7:10am
I've said a few times that he doesn't seem to have time for a relationship. He has insisted he does and is now changing his schedule to make time. But none of this seems to matter. Still haven't heard from him and I can't find a valid reason for me to call when my initial call wasn't returned. I guess its over and I need to work on moving forward.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Tue, 09-11-2012 - 4:58am

I agree that life is about priorities.  My own marriage very much has a good work/life balance.   But I don't see that going off on someone is a way to solve problems.  And I also think that wanting someone to change for us is wrong. 

When dating, we need to look for someone who reflects what we want from life and love.   If a person does not reflect this, then we need to move on.     But it's wrong to try and change someone or get mad at them because they don't suit our needs.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Tue, 09-11-2012 - 4:05am

Calimama, if a parner of only 4 months went off on me because my living style didn't suit him, I'd flick him the bird and consider the relationship over.  This would be for two reasons:

1. if my living style didn't suit him, then clearly we're not suited at all.

2. he has displayed an inability to deal with problems in a constructive manner.   Apologies would make no difference.

What I don't understand is if his working hours don't suit you, why do you want to continue with him?   And what have you to be disappointed over other than the fact that it didn't work out?

You've let him know that his work/life makes the two of you incompatible.   He's clearly agreed with you.   What more is there to say?

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
In reply to: xxxs
Mon, 09-10-2012 - 10:31pm

Effort to one may not have meaning to the other. 

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2007
Mon, 09-10-2012 - 2:29pm
Hmmmm. I see your point but I'm not combative. I can be abrasive in my approach but I guarantee I wasn't combative. However, I thank you for this point of view. I hadn't really tapped into how he could be taking it. So....what's your advice? Wait it out or walk away?
Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Mon, 09-10-2012 - 2:01pm
You are right, no one wants to walk on eggshells for anyone. If its family it is one thing, you are stuck with your family and you must grin and bear it sometimes. However your significant other is someone you choose to be with. No one would choose to be with someone with whom you cannot be yourself. That runs completely contrary to being with an SO to begin with.

If his response to stress and issues in the relationship is to run away and hide, go silent, and this rubs you completely the wrong way, then I think you know what you have to do. At only 4 months in, you are barely scratching the surface of his true day to day nature. A small scratch has already revealed a deal-breaker to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2007
Mon, 09-10-2012 - 1:59pm
You're right on so many levels. Its hard to remain silent when you want to scream "what the hell is your problem!?!?!" We've had several talks about us. In the beginning I expressed my concerns because we're very similar in our ways and mannerisms. I knew we'd bump heads eventually. But he has said over and over that I'm waiting for him to.mess up and he wont. Well guess what? And hes also playfully said that I'm stuck with him so I need to get over it. And guess what? Nothing is adding up to that anymore.

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