1 month marriage survive after finding
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| Mon, 11-17-2003 - 8:41am |
I have been single for 7 yrs and he just got a divorced from what I thought was his *second* wife. we are 48 and 49 yrs old. I have three teenage boys and he has a teenage daughter that does not live with us. SO.....5 weeks before we are to be married I find out from his mother that he had another wife his *First* that he had been married to for 9 yrs and has *THREE KIDS* by her that he gave up for adoption. so he has been married *Three* times.Why in Gods name did he not tell me about this..I had to hear it from his mother and he said he was going to tell me probably when we went to get our marriage license. Thats a hell of a time to say something, He had a whole year. I rented out my house and moved in with him a week prior to knowing this as to enroll my boys in this school system. I am very angry.
To me this is HUGE.
To him its NO BIG DEAL.
We had a talk last night and he got so Defensive right off the bat and his whole demeanor and personality changed. I told him that if its no big deal then why could you not tell me about this. You can't make this disappear. He really had nothing to say, just that it was no big deal he thought and that I need to move on and get over it. He never apoligized for not telling me, which surprises me, because he usually is so thoughtful. He basically was very defensive. I understand that it hurts, but you cannot go into a marriage with dishonesty. He told me that he will not go to counseling, but if I want to go right ahead. Lately I feel like I want to run back to my old house (thank god I still have that) I do have an appt with a counselor. How can I get past this? And why won't he talk to me about this so I can understand all this? I need HELP FAST!!!

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Its probably part of his deep-dark past that he wants to let go. He has no parental rights to the children and you should consider looking at what he is today. These events probably took place around 25 years ago. When is it time to let it go and move forward with a positive life?
YES he should have told you prior to the wedding and YES you should have done something about it THEN - BEFORE you made this union legal. I wish you all the best as you work through this with the aid of a counselor.
You've been given lots of good advice.....don't sell your home, move back into it, take your kids and get the marriage annulled. The man is saying "what I do is not a problem to me or for me, it doesn't not violate my standards and ethics and values."
You've talked on the other post about the business, his ex-wives, etc. etc. etc. and a how myriad of things you didn't know. You're married to a magician...you're wondering how to make him into what you thought he was.
He's not....so do what thousands upon thousands of people don't do - get out now. While the damage is minimal and the loss is infintesimal.
Don't sit there trying to hope he'll become what you thought he was, what you thought you married and he never was...while you lose your professional reputation your personal reputation, your house, your financial stability, and the respect of your children.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
He told me he couldn't afford his kids back then and I said I would live in a cardboard box if I had to, now he has all kinds of money...
The man doesn't value emotional investment, involvement and attachment. He left his first set of kids and wife - wrote them off and never even mentioned them to you. As if his ability to provide a great life for you (that obviously you wouldn't have on some level or plane without him) totally eliminated your need/right to know about that marriage/those children.
He doesn't emotionally invest and involve....relationships are probably what are "social necessities" to him. He doesn't value raising children - he's abandoned in reality in all he fundmentally core way all the children's he's had. And he's outright saying that anything that costs him money - is outta here.
His PRIORITIZES having money, he VALUES having money....how do you know that, because NOTHING he's ever done, given, sacrificed, or endured to "get money" has been "too much, too hard, too far" to go or do.
"Measure the success in your life by what you had to sacrifice to achieve it." Dahli Lama
He considers financial stability and security to be "success" it is what he values and prioritizes as evidenced by his actions, decisions, and words- giving up kids, or wives, or whatever doesn't bother him as long as he's got "money" by his standards.
meaning, you'll NEVER have one dime that belongs to him, every dime put "towards you" is considered an investment that had better "pay out high dividends" - and any money or assets he gets as a result of this relationshp are now "HIS" too, to do with as he wishes.
You better get out while the getting is good.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Did you confront him about the other lie you posted about on the other board (about the business)?
There are many reasons why he hid that information from you. To understand them we would have to understand his thoughts and motives, to know him. Although I do not know him, (and clearly there are parts of him you do not know as well), it is clear that when two individuals come upon difficulties in a relationship, they both need the tools and means to work them through. Problems arise in the course of all relationships and whether or not the relationship will be successful often depends upon both parties willingness to discuss the issues, communicate openly and be willing to work them through. I suggest that you go to therapy (as you planned) so you get more clarity about your feelings here and how to handle them. I also suggest you let him know that it is necessary for the two of you to be able to communicate with each other honestly if this relationship is to work. You probably want to run away now because you feel you are living with a stranger, and do not know him. But you should also realize that it takes time to know a person and during the course of a relationship many things are discovered. Yes, this is a big part of his life that he hid from you. He did not do it to hurt you, but to hide things that are shameful to him. The more understanding of him you can be, the less critical and blaming, the more he will feel comfortable in opening up and sharing with you. Rather than blame him and judge him so, try to create an atmosphere in which he will feel safer about communicating with you.
All good wishes.
It's A New Day With Dr Shoshanna - Wed. 2-3 EST.
everything,so that is why he INCORPORATED his business and put it in his last wifes name (Girlfriend at the time)
Now to me being the good business man that he is, why would you put your business in your girlfriends name. Isn't that pretty RISKY. That doesn't make sense to me. He told me that it was better than where it was...HMMMMM!!!!And if he had this business so long how come when he did his income tax forms he wasn't making more money than 2,000. I beleive she started the business and had just started working for this company and he made it what it is today , thats my theory....He said if he wanted me to know about this he would have told me....to much secrecy....What do you think Sheri, your an Attorney...
Well, I think given his attitude about money (he'd leave the country rather than pay child support?!?!?), it's perfectly plausible that he would have started the business in his gf's name to avoid his ex getting any of it.
He bought me a 1981 white corvette for my wedding present (that was my dream car)There was a day when I almost took it out to take my son to work. And I toild him and the next day he put it up for the winter and he told me he did that becuase its not a convience car...to put alot of miles on...OH BROTHER, ...Normally he doesn't care if I take it....IT MUST BE A CONTROL THING!!!
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