10 yr marriage ruined
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10 yr marriage ruined
| Thu, 09-02-2004 - 3:21pm |
Hi. I am new to the boards and would appreciate thought and ideas on how to deal and cope with my situation. My husband and I have been married 10 yrs and are 30. I have lied to him about our finances all through out our marriage. Our situation was he didnt like to deal with it so it was supposed to be my job. We had our first child early, when we were 21. We now have three, 9,6,and 15 months. We have gone through this up and down about the money many times over the years. I keep saying that I can and will handle it and will tell him if I have a problem. But I never changed, I have no idea why I cant do it. I am supposed to tell him if we can buy the things he wants. I always say yes and deal with the bills and late charges and overdraft charges later. I have always been so wrapped up in kissing my husbands ass that I failed at doing my job. He says now that I had lost who I was. He says that it is to late now to try once again. He told me last year that this is the last time we are going through this and here we are again. Late charges and no money in the bank. We had to refinance the house to pay the bills and get current again. All this was because I let him spend and buy things he wanted, I had to self control to tell him no. He says that he doesnt want to seperate and divorce but that is the only way to protect himself from me and my lies. He feels so betrayed and made the fool too many times. He has a woman co-worker that he confides in and he says that she is his best friend. Right now she is going through a rough time with her marriage and is leaning on him heavily too. I know that if I made him choose, he would choose her over me. He is so mad that he doesnt even want to talk to me. I have been forcing the issues with him, to get him to talk to me. He has always provided for me and the kids and I have taken that for granted. I didnt take care of the house like I should have. A few years ago, I felt so taken for granted that he never appreciate anything that I did I wanted to leave. He wouldnt let me. During that time period I was fantasizing about another man and told him so later. He says why do I lie about the money but I can be so brutally honest with him about the other guy Im thinking about while I lay with him. This time is different from the rest. He would be gone but cant leave because I have been a stay at home mother for most of the ten years we have been toghether. I can't support myself and three kids by myself. He cant afford to pay for our house and an apartment. So right now we are stuck. He is just so mad and resentful right now. He doesnt want to continue the relationship. He doesnt want to give me another chance. So here we are in the house together. He asked if I wanted him to sleep down stairs in the other bedroom. I told him no. He wants me to be his friend and wants us to get along for the kids sake. He tells me not to hope because that is just setting myself up for disappointment. So I am preparing for a seperation. I am looking for a full time job, a place to rent, and a sitter for my 15 month old. I am trying to do my thing while he goes and hunts on the weekends. Trying to find myself. That is his out, his thing to get away from it all. I want to try and make our marriage work, but I can see that it is useless. He doesnt want to care, but he still does. When we are in bed and he is half asleep he tenderly touches my face or kisses me. I know that he really isnt aware that he is doing this, but for me it shows me that deep down he still cares. I understand that this is all because he doesnt want to get hurt again. I am just so confused and sad. He said that he doesnt know what is going to happen. He doesnt know how he will feel from day to day or how it will be next month. But right now we need to go our seperate ways when we can. I just about cry every day when the blues just catch me right. Thougths and ideas would be appreciated. Sorry that this is so long.
DanGsgal

Having written that, I do have to say that this is not 100% your responsibility. Both of you are married and have children. Both of you spend money. Your husband bears a certain amount of responsibility of understanding your financial situation, even though he "didn't like to deal with it." Juggling finances is not easy. Quite frankly, I'm baffled by the fact that even after the first couple of times you ran into money trouble that he persisted in having you handle it on your own. You are both responsible for your current financial circumstances.
Financial stress is a big one for many, many couples. Your husband may be feeling like you not only deceived him again, but you've thrown away other chances to change how things were being handled. He may also feel like the financial situation has gotten out of control to the point where he's realizing he can't provide for your children the way he wants to...or even meet their basic needs. He's lost more than financial security here. He's lost trust and emotional security with you; his spouse. None of these is easy to regain.
You are doing what you need to by job-hunting and trying to find childcare. I do think it is right for you to assume that your husband means business about separating and/or divorcing, at this point. Even if he were to come around...it's hard to say if he will or not...he will still need your help in beginning to dig out from under all of the financial mess you two are in, regardless of your marital relationship.
I might suggest that you and your husband get financial advice from a state agency that will take a look at payments, debts and other financial concerns to make things as manageable as possible. From now on, you should handle the finances together so you are both aware of what money is or isn't available. Also, you both need to agree on a budget that you develop together, for the time being, to meet the needs of your children and living expenses. You should both take responsibility in sticking to the budget and doing what needs to be done.
I don't mean for my message to sound harsh. You know full-well how grim your situation is and I wish you well in working through it.
Financially we are not strapped or broke. We just had to eat into our home equity to get things current and for him to have a little extra in his pocket. So he can with peace of mind still get what he wants and do what he wants. He just feels that I took away his dreams. I just made it harder for him. We live in a 2200 sq ft home on an acre in a small town. We live 20 min away from the city. So we are far enough away, yet close enough for the amenities. I like it here. But he has always wanted to move back to where he grew up, the ranch life. He wants acres, barns, horses, cows, horse trailers, and arenas. He feels that that dream is all gone. He is the type that wants things now or cant wait that long to get it.
So now we are seperating the finances. Nothing joint other than the house. He is taking over the bills, which he resents me for because he hates it. His money is his and mine is mine. He will be paying the major bills and I will take care of a few and my own.
I know that there is no excuse for my behavior other than being weak and immature. I cant help but think how all this started. I have had only two boyfriends in my 30 yrs of life. My high school boyfriend used money as a punishment. I was working and he was not. If I made him mad, he would make me buy him something to make things better. I would buy him gifts all the time and he would never think of me. Then with my husband all I wanted to do was please him at all cost. Even though he kept telling me that the lying outweighs the pleasue of getting things. I could never get that through my head. He would get frustrated when I tried to tell him that we had to wait to get something. He said that he makes good money. I didnt take the time to make him understand where the money way going. I was scared and being a chicken and just let him spend and tell him with a smile that everything is okay.
There is a lot of history here. Can we make it? He doesnt know. I dont know. He tells me that I shouldnt even hope. So I take it day to day. Thanks for the input.
I think you need to take a step back here and put a couple of things in prospective. I agree witht he other poster that this is not 100% your fault or repsonsibility. As she stated, your finances involve both partners, not just one. If your H was really concerned about finances, he'd have helped you this whole time, not jsut leave you to struggle and fail. He's being selfish all the way around. I think he's using the money situation as an excuse to leave and have an affair with the co-worker. And I think you need to git a grip on your own emotions and guilt and see what's really going on. Don't let yourself be used and abused by this man anymore. Take responsiblity for your part, but certainly don't take responsiblity for his actions or inactions. I would prepare to be on I'm own, if I were you. Your H is untrust worthy and doesn't seem to really care about you, only what you could do for him. And now that he's foud someone else to take over the job and sympathise with him, he's jumping ship. I'd make him walk to the plank before he can jump. You take control of your own life.
He put you in a no-win situation: He didn't want to handle the finances, so he essentially left that for you to do alone. Then, you wrote that you DID try to let him know that some things had to wait because there wasn't enough extra money for things and he would get annoyed because he wanted things right then and there??? Even though he gets in a snit about things he can buy when he wants them, he expected you to be honest with him about what he could and could not have??? So, essentially you were expected to be the "bad guy" and try to police his spending, but avoid telling him "no."
Hmmm. I think you ought to be pretty angry with him over the position he has put you in through the course of your 10 year marriage. Now he's resentful that he has to take adult responsibility for bills and budgeting??? Well, too bad! He's not a little boy who has been saving his allowance and needs guidance here. If I were you, I'd remind him of this...and the fact that he got a 10 year vacation from this responsibility he doesn't want to take. Don't let him put all of the responsibility on you. He may be counting on you feeling guilty over "your mistakes." Know what, he needs to own his share of the blame here.
I don't know if your marriage can be saved or not. I do know that your husband needs to grow-up and realize that we can't always have what we want in this world...especially when we want it. That is called life.
Also, don't take too much of the emotional burden of ruining his dreams, as he puts it. Did he sit down with you---ever---to figure out how to make his dreams of having a ranch and livestock a reality? My guess here is no. It sounds like he has some big dreams. Those don't happen over night.
I guess after hearing more about your situation, it made me look at things differently. You are already aware of the mistakes you made. For now, if you have separated your finances, except for the house, that is the way it needs to be. Only over time will you be able to see if you and your husband are remaining apart or trying to put things back together. If you decide to try to work things out, you can always keep separate finances and have one joint account for the purpose of paying for bills and the kids' needs. Just another idea.
Good luck to you.
Jill
Your husband knows how much money he makes, he must also know the amount of your mortgage payment, and at least have a general idea of the cost of food, and other necessary living expenses. He also knows the cost of the things he buys. Price tags are plainly visible on goods. Subtraction is simple arithmetic that doesn't even require the aid of a calculator. I can do it in my head, and I'm no math whizz. Even if he is mathamatically challenged to the lowest IQ level, he'd know he was overspending the first time he discovered the problem.
So now he says he can't afford the house AND an apartment. Suddenly he can do simple arithmetic. The logic of his position escapes me, and it's interesting how his attitude makes this all YOUR fault. Very convenient for him, isn't it? Now adding this other woman into the mix, there appears to be something to his "logic" after all. It's sad that you're convinced that you are entirely responsibile for this whole mess. I wonder does he get to keep all those things he bought when you dissolve the marriage?