10 yrs, 1 son, no ring
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10 yrs, 1 son, no ring
| Tue, 06-29-2004 - 9:57pm |
I need some advice. I have been dating my boyfriend for ten years. We have one son together, and we bought a house last January(03). He told me a long time ago he wanted to marry me, but now everytime (which I try not to be to often) I bring up any commitment issue he blows it off. All his friends from work tell me (and him) that he is stupid for not marring me already. I try not to let this get to me, after all a 30 yr mortgage is a big commitment, but it is slowly eating me up inside. Does anyone have a suggestion? Moving out right now is NOT an option.

So, if you are stuck there then, you need a legal "living together" agreement to protect you, him and the child. Please get one drawn up by an attorney.
Also, I would get a paternity test to show that this is indeed his child in case you break up and need it in court later then, all your bases are covered.
Then, once you have the legal livin together agreement in place, the only reason to get married is because YOU WANT TO DO IT. But if he does not want to you cannot drag him in front of the judge to sign the marital agreement....
Have you ever asked him to marry you? What did he say? If you are afraid to ask him you are going to just come out and ask him. I asked my H to marry me and he said yes. We are married now.
Good luck.
IMO you're wasting your time and energy hoping things will change at this point. If he wanted to be married to you, you'd be married. He's already got a home and family now, including a wife (there's just no legal document or ring to make that part official in the eyes of the law). I think at this point you should either make the best of what you have chosen for yourself or leave it behind. I know that's not what you want to hear, but really, those are your only 2 options. You can't change what he feels, thinks or does. Period. It would be a better use of your own time and energy to just start accepting the way things are, as opposed to struggling against them and wishing for what is not. Hope this helps in some small way.
P.S. What friends and co-workers think is irrelevant. Good luck.
You know, a lot of guys are afraid that once they marry a woman, then the relationship will change and they will just be the stereotypical old married couple. Even if you are living like you are married - the house, the kids, etc - there is this irrational fear that everything that is good about the relationship will go away. This might be where his head is at right now. I mean, there are a heck of a lot of unhappily married people out there. Logically we know that not much will change upon marriage, but emotions aren't logical.
My husband and I lived together before we got married (but when we moved in together we were engaged and the wedding was the following year). He had never been married before and didn't think our relationship would be any different once we got married. After we did get married, he commented that he was surprised how really different it is -- how different it FEELS (because it is different, in many ways).
The only thing that changed for me were that I wore a wedding band and referred to my SO as my husband instead of fiance.
Funny thing is some people will be together for 10 years unmarried and happy and as soon as they get married they divorce.
Why do you need to marry him? Enjoy your freedom. You can have your cake and eat it too.