10 yrs, 1 son, no ring

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2004
10 yrs, 1 son, no ring
9
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 9:57pm
I need some advice. I have been dating my boyfriend for ten years. We have one son together, and we bought a house last January(03). He told me a long time ago he wanted to marry me, but now everytime (which I try not to be to often) I bring up any commitment issue he blows it off. All his friends from work tell me (and him) that he is stupid for not marring me already. I try not to let this get to me, after all a 30 yr mortgage is a big commitment, but it is slowly eating me up inside. Does anyone have a suggestion? Moving out right now is NOT an option.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 12:45am
OK, you bore his child and bought a house with him. These things are not smart to do without a leagal marriage licence already in place. You should not have had the child or bouught the house without that.

So, if you are stuck there then, you need a legal "living together" agreement to protect you, him and the child. Please get one drawn up by an attorney.

Also, I would get a paternity test to show that this is indeed his child in case you break up and need it in court later then, all your bases are covered.

Then, once you have the legal livin together agreement in place, the only reason to get married is because YOU WANT TO DO IT. But if he does not want to you cannot drag him in front of the judge to sign the marital agreement....

Have you ever asked him to marry you? What did he say? If you are afraid to ask him you are going to just come out and ask him. I asked my H to marry me and he said yes. We are married now.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 10:57am
I hope everyone out there who's contemplating living together but wants to be married reads this post. If you want marriage, don't move in with someone before the ceremony happens. There are no guarantees in life. Don't base today's decisions and choices on what may or may not happen in the future.

IMO you're wasting your time and energy hoping things will change at this point. If he wanted to be married to you, you'd be married. He's already got a home and family now, including a wife (there's just no legal document or ring to make that part official in the eyes of the law). I think at this point you should either make the best of what you have chosen for yourself or leave it behind. I know that's not what you want to hear, but really, those are your only 2 options. You can't change what he feels, thinks or does. Period. It would be a better use of your own time and energy to just start accepting the way things are, as opposed to struggling against them and wishing for what is not. Hope this helps in some small way.

P.S. What friends and co-workers think is irrelevant. Good luck.

Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 3:00pm
You need to sit down and have a serious discussion with your SO. Don't let him blow off the discussion. Not an arguement. Just a heart to heart talk. You both need to know where the other is coming from. Even if you don't reach an agreement to get married or not right away, you need to know why he doesn't want to get married and he needs to know why you do. Once you understand where the other is coming from, you can see if you can reach some agreement. Maybe resolve his issues about marriage.

You know, a lot of guys are afraid that once they marry a woman, then the relationship will change and they will just be the stereotypical old married couple. Even if you are living like you are married - the house, the kids, etc - there is this irrational fear that everything that is good about the relationship will go away. This might be where his head is at right now. I mean, there are a heck of a lot of unhappily married people out there. Logically we know that not much will change upon marriage, but emotions aren't logical.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 3:39pm
"Logically we know that not much will change upon marriage." That has not been my experience. I've cohabited twice and been married twice. Maybe physically not much changes if you are already living like a married couple, but emotionally speaking, I have found that marriage is very different from cohabitation. A relationship DOES change once you are married, but that doesn't have to mean for the worse.

My husband and I lived together before we got married (but when we moved in together we were engaged and the wedding was the following year). He had never been married before and didn't think our relationship would be any different once we got married. After we did get married, he commented that he was surprised how really different it is -- how different it FEELS (because it is different, in many ways).

Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 4:04pm
I guess it's a matter of perspective. My husband and I lived together for almost 5 years when we got married and we have been married for just over 2 years. For us, not a whole lot changed in our relationship when we got married. Our relationship dynamics, commitment, love for each other - were all the same. The biggest difference is how other people treat us. It hasn't been a huge difference, but definitely noticable.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 5:31pm
If the relationship has no other problems and you are happy in your situation dont worry about having the title of being married. Maybe pressure from other people is making you think more about the subject. If it is something that is that important to you then you should talk to your boyfriend and tell him how much it would mean to you, the mother of his child. Hope your situation and anxieties are resolved.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 8:52pm
I remember when we were first married (after living together for 2 years). People would say 'How is married life?' and I would answer 'Same as living together life' ;)

The only thing that changed for me were that I wore a wedding band and referred to my SO as my husband instead of fiance.

Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 1:21pm
That was my response too when people asked us how was married life. It would always throw me for a loop when people refered to us as newlyweds too - LOL.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2004
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 1:26pm
You've got a good thing. Why in the world would you want to get married. As soon as you do you'll have something else to worry about. Why do you need to make it legal to be official. YOu've been with him for ten years. Obviously he's chosen you. Marriage isn't a game. Being together for 10 years and married for ten years are totally different.

Funny thing is some people will be together for 10 years unmarried and happy and as soon as they get married they divorce.

Why do you need to marry him? Enjoy your freedom. You can have your cake and eat it too.