12 years hangs in the balance

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2007
12 years hangs in the balance
3
Fri, 11-23-2007 - 11:45am

I have been in a relationship not married for 12 years that has taken us thru two states.I followed her while she completed her DVM/Phd then to here . After about 18 months here & lots of trouble finding the kind of employment I am used to she wants to call it quits (no kids involved). It appears her reasons are financial in nature i.e. my total debt is less than hers (mine about 8K) to be debt free. She insists this is where she stands & dropped this on me about 3 weeks ago, with varying amounts of contradictory actions as well. Two hours prior to telling me she mentioned even contributing to knock down some of my debt(never really said it that way in past) obviuosly has not mentioned it since, The place where she is practicing right now she hates I think this is affecting her decision making . Her plan is to move again in the sprin/early summer w/out me however our families are from the same area down south which is where I would migrate anyway.(better oppotunities for both of us ) Asking to move out was unreal asking me to think about moving out & asking for a timeline .She is a list maker & ususaly only completes about 1/2 or so what is on them.


No comon law exists where we have lived any & all advice is welcome this is very very hard , we have many many travels together

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-23-2007 - 11:51am

Obviously there have been issues brewing in your relationship and now they have come out into the open. It is too bad that all of this could not have been discussed openly and worked through. I am sorry this is such a shock for you.


To begin, it's very important for you to get professional help and guidance, both with the emotional and also legal aspects of what is going on. Divorces and also separations can be "mediated" rather than litigated, so they become non-adversarial and you both get a chance to fairly talk things out and arrive at conclusions and an agreement that works for both of you.


If she is not open to couple therapy, or to trying to clear up these differences, then you must educate yourself about the next possible steps. You can find good advice about mediation on the website http://www.mediate.com.


Be gentle and patient with yourself. There is no rush in all of this, and you will have all kinds of reactions in the upcoming days. It's best to get someone to talk to about your feelings and the shock you are going through. Everything can be worked through in a healthy way if both of you have that intention.


All good wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2007
Fri, 11-23-2007 - 1:37pm

Dr S actually she says it has been brewing, however we are still in the same house & again are not married but there would be several things to consider . Being an athlete & having two stays at the Olympic Training Center I consider myself well balanced. Most I have talked to & one counselor states that he thought she is worth fighting for .


I must respect her wishes & agree with her which will then not reinforce or back up her negative feelings . Indeed I am challenged & in my estitmation in the fight of my life -most couples married or not do not last like we have. What say you about that? I am quite ssure either side of our families are happy about what the way she is acting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 11-23-2007 - 4:25pm

Welcome to the board buickgn_nice,


I'm confused with this statement:


It appears her reasons are financial in nature i.e. my total debt is less than hers (mine about 8K) to be debt free.


She wants to end the relationship because she has more debt than you?