17 years of marriage gone?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2005
17 years of marriage gone?
7
Sat, 10-01-2011 - 2:25pm

Last September I discovered my wife was having an affair. We lost a baby to an ectopic pregnancy and she began confiding in a coworker who offered her support.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2005
Mon, 10-03-2011 - 4:50pm
Sorry, last post was short, I'm stuck on my phone at this point bc kids are occupying every computer in house. When we lost the baby (2nd miscarriage btw) the doctors weren't even sure she was pregnant. Her blood levels were high then low, then high again. There was concern there was a tumor, anything. She went in for surgery, and there were so many possibilities at that time quite honestly I was elated that she was alive at the end of the day. I have always supported my wife, I work full time but i do have more flexible hours then a typical job. We lived off my pay for years. After her mother died in 2002, I took over the time that my mil watched kids. So over a 2 week period, I watched kids 5 weekdays, wife watched them 5 weekdays. Sometimes I took them to work, later, sometimes i could let them be home for a few hours alone with the older kids. I became the primary caregivers though, while still working. She took a salary position 3 years ago and isn't home at all now. I have always done everything with the thought of my family first. Everyone is pretty much right, she wants out, I have to let her out. I don't want to be the one leaving the kids though, I decided when I file it will be for custody, not visitation. She can have them on weekends, honestly I'll probably have them then anyway because she does nothing with their activities. As far as problems at home in front of the kids, there isn't any. We don't discuss anything in front of them, and we are reasonable enough to save any disagreement for privacy. But, I am done, she has lost me. Even if she changed her mind at this point I think I can't go back to being with her. Just sucks because I do still love her, have told her so and she doesn't want to try to make it work. Anyway, thanks for listening.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2005
Mon, 10-03-2011 - 4:22pm
I undrstand what you're saying, she is the unhappy one. I am only unhappy.because she wants out. My closest friends were blown away by this news this weekend, they suggested I get an attorney and file for kids and divorce specifically keeping kids in house w me. Everyone knows I am really their primary caregiver.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 10-01-2011 - 11:42pm

Again, I'm really sorry for all that you're going thru.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 10-01-2011 - 10:01pm

I know it's a very painful situation to get divorced after a long marriage and w/ kids involved (been there myself).

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Sat, 10-01-2011 - 6:28pm

What you need to do now is contact an attorney and figure out what your rights are, and what reasonable outcome you can expect from pursuing a divorce.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 10-01-2011 - 6:13pm

Hi Dad!

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 10-01-2011 - 6:11pm
That must be really hard and painful to deal with dadfor6. Seventeen years is a long time of close relationship to have it blow up like this for you.

I noticed in your posting that you did not mention what your part in this situation is/was. Did you grieve with your wife? Did you emotionally support her? What did the counselor suggest for you to do? Did you make your wife feel important and loved? You did mention that at the end of your post but did you try to change that when you were in counseling?

Be that as it may, that is water under the bridge for your wife has stated unequivocally that she does not want to be married. With that clear and definitive statement, LISTEN to your wife. Not trying to be mean or adversarial but I wonder if she felt listened to when you and she lost her child?

Go find a divorce attorney and start figuring out how to live your life without her.

Mark