1st love-need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
1st love-need advice
1
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 10:59am
Hi 1st time here. I am currently involved with a wonderful guy (we've been together about 6 mo. now) whom I know loves me for me. He is the first real relationship I've had in 5 years (I'm 22), and I am certain that I love him in return. Lately, however, I've been having different feelings towards him and the realtionship. I don't know how to explain it; a few days ago I was fine, until we had our first real disagreement. It was such a small argument. I'm currently in the process of studying for my GRE's. I get off work kind of late (around 8), so it's really important that I get in some study time before I turn in for the night. He understands this, but still wants to spend time with me. So for the first couple of nights I did spend time with him. REcently, though, I put my foot down. He missed me, but he understood. However, before I got of the phone with him the other night, he stressed the importance of studying for this test, saying that it being only two weeks away shouold be enough motivation for me. I told him that he's the main reason I havent' been studying, but he didn't understand why it was his fault. I felt that he should have taken at least some of the blame, there have been nights where I've gone home to study and he, knowing this, has asked to come over anyway. Regardless, it was such a small fight, and later I apologized, but he didn't. I was a little angry about that for a little while, but I got over it, or so I thought. Lately, I've just been tired. He gets off about 2 hours earlier than I do, usually (we work at the same place.) Most of the time, his mother is using his car, so I'm over at his house with him, which approx. 15 minutes away from home. I'm tired after work, but I go to see him anyway, then after 4 hours, I've got to make the drive home, get ready for bed, then get up in the morning to a job I really can't stand (we're both poor college graduates). Something tells me that if I really loved him, then none of this would matter, but I just find myself tired. I'm especially tired of trying to pretend around him at work (not many of our co-workers know about this relationship). Now sometimes when I think about seeing him in the morning, I'm more sad instead of excited. And I still like to spend time with him after work, but sometimes, likewhen he falls asleep around me (it only takes him about 2 seconds), I get bored. I used to think he was so cute when he was sleeping, now I just wish he could make the effort to stay awake for a little while longer. I can't say that, b/c sometimes he does, but it hardly ever works. I'm also ashamed to say that I've find myself wondering what exactly is going to break us up. Maybe this job and this test are affecting my feelings for him? He has no idea about any of this, he's still crazy about me. Could it be that I've grown out of the 'honeymoon' stage faster than he has? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. It took me weeks to realize I love him, and even longer to tell him. I want to feel the same way about him that he does about me. Any advice?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 2:29pm
I think what you are feeling is normal. And I think you are seeing the relationship for what it is or could be. I will explain.

::I don't know how to explain it; a few days ago I was fine, until we had our first real disagreement. It was such a small argument. I'm currently in the process of studying for my GRE's. I get off work kind of late (around 8), so it's really important that I get in some study time before I turn in for the night. He understands this, but still wants to spend time with me.

While it is understandable that he wants to still spend time with you, he's not being considerate of your study time. You are also not putting your schedule as a priority, instead, if he invites you over, while you know you have to study, you are either afraid to say no to him, as you don't want to hurt his feelings or disappoint him, but then later you are mad that you didn't take the time you needed to study. You are more mad at yourself than at him, I would guess.

::However, before I got of the phone with him the other night, he stressed the importance of studying for this test, saying that it being only two weeks away shouold be enough motivation for me. I told him that he's the main reason I havent' been studying, but he didn't understand why it was his fault. I felt that he should have taken at least some of the blame, there have been nights where I've gone home to study and he, knowing this, has asked to come over anyway.

Because ultimately, it is your responsibility not his. And while he's asking and doesn't want to be turned down, he's asking and it does put pressure on you. Only you can alleviate that stress. He wants what he wants, when he wants it and you will have to be the one to set boundaries and enforce your needs.

::He gets off about 2 hours earlier than I do, usually (we work at the same place.)

So basically after two hours on his own, he's like a puppy dog waiting for you to come out to play.

::I'm especially tired of trying to pretend around him at work (not many of our co-workers know about this relationship).

Why?

::Now sometimes when I think about seeing him in the morning, I'm more sad instead of excited.

Because on some level it sounds like (to me) that he's making you responsible for his entertainment.

::And I still like to spend time with him after work, but sometimes, likewhen he falls asleep around me (it only takes him about 2 seconds), I get bored.

Geez, yeah, not like he didn't have 2 hours to nap and be alert and really spend quality time with you instead of just more time with you. You are bored, because part of you knows that 'seeing him' is taking time away from something you could be doing, something you really need to be doing.

Sounds to me that you have different expections of the relationship and that it is something that needs to be discussed because you know what your goal is and instead of addressing your needs, you are becoming resentful of his influence on your decisions. Which isn't fair to him.

:I want to feel the same way about him that he does about me. Any advice?

How about not seeing him every day, set up a date night, once or twice a week, text message in-between, be open with your relationship at work and start having lunch with him. Find a way to be creative with your time together.

My best to you.


Carrie