2 boys one girl....help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2009
2 boys one girl....help!
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Sun, 02-01-2009 - 4:23pm

ugh i dont even know where to start...

im 22 years old and i was dating this boy for 4 years up until almost a year ago. it started out fine we got along really well and we were great together, as years progressed we got more hostile to eachother, jealous, and controlling. it really made things hard and we started growing apart, as in being with our friends more, lying to each other and thoughts of seeing other people. he didnt listen to me or pay attention to what i wanted out of our relationship i got tired of it and broke up with him last year. up until about 5 months ago we were seeing eachother on and off and i was just scoping my options. i met a boy and at first thought he was just another a-hole like the rest of them. somehow we ended up spending alot of time together and i was completely falling for him and have been dating him for the last 2 months. hes really nice and sweet to me, hes responsible and has everything together for the most part. the thing is i cant stop thinking about my ex, even when me and this new guy are intimate i cant stop thinking about him. i cant enjoy intimacy with my new boyfriend i cant completely concentrate on us. even when we hang out i have drifting thoughts, and i dont think its really fair to my current boyfreind. me and my ex still hold conversation and we still kinda go at each others throat. he tells me he still loves me alot and i know i still love him the only thing that worries me is how mean we can get to eachother. i feel the only way it would work out again is if it were just the 2 of us and no one else in the middle or disturbing us. he wants to hang out with me but i always avoid it because i dont trust myself with him. im not a cheater and i dont plan on being one. its got to the point where i cant even be alone with out being tempted to call and see my ex. i dont know what to do i dont know how to feel i just miss him to pieces and dont want to screw up what i have now because i know the person i am dating now is a great guy and hes attractive and has all his priorities straight and is reallly good to me no questions asked. can anyone offer me any kind of advice to help me through this...i just need an outside opinion. i know what i want but i know i cant have both, i just need an outsiders view on this....please im so desperate, i dont want to do something i might regret

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 02-01-2009 - 4:38pm

Welcome to the board rebeckahh,


Being mean, lying, cheating, hostile and at each other's throats isn't a healthy relationship. Where did you learn that love looks like that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Sun, 02-01-2009 - 8:39pm

You can either figure out now why you desire to pull away from a guy who has it all together and go for a guy who you know will bring you pain - or you can be figuring it out 10 or 20 years from now when you've lost all that time being emotionally tortured in your relationships. One way or another you'll eventually want to figure this out, and now is as good of time as any.

My guess is this guy knows how to stand on his own two feet emotionally and be close in a relationship, that's called differentiation. In your last relationship you were not differentiated, you were what is called enmeshed where you sort of "lose" your individuality in favor of creating an "us." We tend to pick partners who are as differentiated as we are, and relationships where there is a mismatch in levels of differentiation tend to end early in the process, that's where you are right now.

So the key for you is to figure out how to increase your level of differentiation so you can be in a balanced, healthy and happy relationship. Once you do, you will feel more comfortable in a relationship with a person who can stand on his own two feet because you will be doing the same. You will also be able to achieve a level of true intimacy that you have not experienced before (you'll have to take my word for this for now, but it's sooooo worth it).

Here is an example to explain differentiation, from the book Passionate Marriage (which I highly recommend you read). Imagine a couple hugging tight, really tight. It feels good at first but after a while you start to wobble and lean and it becomes impossible to maintain this tight hug without difficulty. That was your last relationship. Now imagine a couple standing so far apart they can barely touch, they lean in to touch fingers and this doesn't feel comfortable either, they aren't close at all and it's like having no relationship (this is also undifferentiated but not your particular problem). Now imagine a couple who stands close but not too close, they touch palms and can see into each others eyes and feel connected but are also standing on their own two feet. They can adjust when they need to without breaking their bond or falling over. This is your relationship now but you are not comfortable for whatever reason (something to do with the environment you were raised in probably) and so it's at risk for ending.

If you are interested in having a happy, healthy and ultimately successful relationships sooner rather than later, I suggest you check out that book and read it before breaking up with your current boyfriend or giving any more thought to your last boyfriend.

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"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2009
Sun, 02-01-2009 - 9:22pm

harmony08,

thanks so much for not judging me and trying to see where im comming from. its so hard and i feel like a terrible person most times for how i have been thinking and how unfair it is to my current boyfriend. hes a wonderfull guy its just super hard to get close to him being used to my last boyfriend for so long, and making myself vulnerable is also another thing thats really making me scared. my ex and i really dont get along anymore, we grew apart over the a last couple years but some reason i cant let go because hes all iv known for almost 6 years (we were best friends before we dated). im not used to being treated so well< and getting compliments and feeling like this guy really is into me. i have such a low self esteem and my parents have been divorced and remarried 3 times each since iv been 7 so basically all i know is hurt. i cant seem to let myself be happy and whats even worse i cant stand being alone. its a character flaw i know and i dont know if i can ever get over it. just as soon as some one nice comes in my life i feel happy at first then just start to feel uneasy. i dont know if its because im so used to chaos or if its just something iv been used to growing up. i have really healthy relationships with my freinds and co-workers i just cant seem to get the relationship part right. i dont know who to talk to i dont know what to do most of the time i feel so empty and dead inside. i came to the message board hoping someone would listen and try to help me understand and get through this, i just need an unbiased friend and sometimes its really hard to talk to someone you really know. thanks for taking the time to read and your advice and suggestions to the book. i will definitely try to check it out, i just have little time to really read working and trying to balance out all the stress i have.

thanks so much again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Sun, 02-01-2009 - 9:49pm

You also might want to consider finding a good therapist to talk to. It's a very rational and reasonable thing to do. I don't know how old you are but I get the feeling you are rather youthful, and now is the time to sort this stuff out! Not in your 30s after a string of bad relationships and a decade long bad marriage like me :)

>>>>>i feel like a terrible person most times for how i have been thinking and how unfair it is to my current boyfriend. hes a wonderfull guy its just super hard to get close to him being used to my last boyfriend for so long, and making myself vulnerable is also another thing thats really making me scared.<<<<

This all fits! Not wanting to vulnerable keeps you from getting close. It's scary, it's why you cling to your last boyfriend and can't get close. It's totally normal and understandable, but also not healthy and won't lead you anywhere good in relationships.

>>>>>my ex and i really dont get along anymore, we grew apart over the a last couple years but some reason i cant let go because hes all iv known for almost 6 years (we were best friends before we dated). im not used to being treated so well< and getting compliments and feeling like this guy really is into me. i have such a low self esteem and my parents have been divorced and remarried 3 times each since iv been 7 so basically all i know is hurt. i cant seem to let myself be happy and whats even worse i cant stand being alone. its a character flaw i know and i dont know if i can ever get over it.<<<<<

It's not a character flaw at all, and you absolutely can get over it with some effort. Reading is good, therapy plus reading is even better. Low self-esteem and not feeling deserving of good treatment go hand-in-hand. There is a twisted unconscious logic in seeking out bad relationship to prove we are deserving of better, we want to start off bad and show how good we can be and have that other person magically recognize our goodness and start treating us well because of it. But sadly, it never works out. You have to believe in yourself first, then you naturally seek out healthy relationships and thereby receive the good treatment we deserve.

The not wanting to be alone part fits with all you are experiencing too - and sometimes you have to just be on your own to learn this one. If you can manage to stick with your current boyfriend and put some effort into your self esteem and level of differentiation, not clinging to him and believing in yourself, you might be able to get around the being alone requirement. It's going to take some work but it's not impossible. I did it.

>>>>just as soon as some one nice comes in my life i feel happy at first then just start to feel uneasy. i dont know if its because im so used to chaos or if its just something iv been used to growing up. i have really healthy relationships with my freinds and co-workers i just cant seem to get the relationship part right.<<<<<

Yep, yep, yep. It's part of growing up, something that caused your low self esteem that you have to now take responsibility for and fix. It's totally normal for women to be fine with friends and co-workers, but have disastrous romantic relationships. If by any chance you have a dysfunctional relationship with your father, you might also want to check out the book "The Wounded Woman." It helped me a lot. I'd prioritize the book Passionate Marriage (not just for married couples, and good for if you hope to marry someday) and therapy first. Even with not much time in your busy life (who has time anyway), you can end up wasting 10 or 20 years figuring this out if you remain in relationships with guys like your last boyfriend. It's hard to do this in your own head without help, the time you invest in yourself now by reading and considering therapy, will save you years in bad relationships and I promise you won't regret it.

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"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2009
Sun, 02-01-2009 - 10:29pm

wow your amazing...

i only wish i could afford therapy cause i would do it in a heart beat. there's so much i need worked out. im just so good at crappy things happening to me then picking my self up and walking away from it instead of dealing with it face to face.

and i am clinging to my current boyfriend we hang out almost everyday and i know thats not particularity healthy but like i said the alone thing gets to me every time i go home and i end up staying up late and thinking so deep into things then convincing myself ill never be happy with anything. i want to give each other space but every time i do i get super depressed the only time i feel better is when im around people i dunno if me being scared alone period is just a phobia or if im just that insecure. i also am noticing that i am turning into quit the hermit and not wanting to or even having the motivation to go out with freinds and do things. most nights i find myself at my boyfriends house till the next day. the intimacy is really hard for me too for awhile and even still now i developed something called vaginismus or Dyspareunia which is commonly caused by emotional stress but i basically cant enjoy sex and when i try to it really really hurts. i get absolutely nothing out of it and i think that is another affecting factor about dating this new guy. there's not really a "cure" for it i went to the docters and all there's no pill or anything its basically counted on me finding relaxation and finding my way through all this. i know it affects him in a not so positive way because he wants to make me happy and feel good but it ultimately just hurts me and makes me cry. i dont even feel like being intimate anymore because of it. its making me totally afraid of sex. i dunno i feel pretty worthless as a woman. hes been super understanding thus far but im not sure how long it will last...i feel like everything on my part is in shambles.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Sun, 02-01-2009 - 10:38pm
I think you are right to worry about chasing him away with being too clingy and the other issues. If you really can't afford therapy and you don't have health insurance that might cover it, then you need to start reading. Books are free from the library :) And time will pass faster when you are alone if you are reading. Also think about what other interesting things you might spend time doing. Having other interests will help your level of differentiation. You *need* other interests in your life to keep your individuality, to give you something more to talk about, build your confidence, put less pressure on him to make you feel good, and generally keep you more interesting to him or any love interest. What other interests do you have?
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"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2009
Sun, 02-01-2009 - 10:51pm

i dont know over the years iv lost alot of interest in the things i used to love. im an art major...i used to draw paint and do photography alot, used to read a bit, sports, crocheting, music, now i just dont have the motivation to pick anything up, iv tryed believe me, but i loose interest in them fairly quick. im just really bad at occupying my time when im alone. i really do appreciate everything you've said to me. and im really glade that this website has people like you on here to help people like me out when in need.

any other advice from you or anyone would be greatly appreciated. im lost:(

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Sun, 02-01-2009 - 10:54pm

>>>>but i loose interest in them fairly quick<<<<

Don't give up, make up your mind to have other interests and do it. You can. It's important.

I'm sure others will be along with advice too.

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"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2005
Mon, 02-02-2009 - 12:04pm

I was in a similar situation a while back. I started dating my first boyfriend when I was 16, we were best friends before. Needless to say, he was a huge part of my life. Fast forward 7 years, I broke it off with him but felt very much at a loss what to do. I was 22, had only known one man, and I just had no idea how to go about my new single-girl life.


A dear friend of mine told me to cut of all contact with my ex. It was the best advice I ever got. It was hard, the ex was very hurt, but in the long run I avoided a bunch of heartache. My two girlfriends, also used to be in long term relationships, were tormented by their exes as they tried to remain "friends." Not healthy. Stopping all contact with the ex left a big empty space in my life, so I was forced to fill it up any way I knew. It made me want to rebuild my life even more.


The things that got me through that breakup were my friends and

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
Mon, 02-02-2009 - 7:35pm
If you want a relationship with the new guy then you should establish

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