Like 2 people at the same time???

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
Like 2 people at the same time???
Fri, 05-30-2003 - 1:42pm
Dear Brenda or anyone who can help me,

I'm very confused about my own feelings right now. I've been together with my boyfriend for more than 2 years. But I guess it wasnot really that great. I've been feeling low since November last year. We've had arguments in the past, sadness & anger. It seems to me that he demands quite a lot from me & is very difficult to understand me. It's like he cares most about his own feelings. Of course at times he is very sweet and nice to me, made me feel happy too. Sometimes when he said about what he's done to me, explaining his point of view, they all sound good that I sort of agree with him that perhaps he's right about me not really supportive or not nice, etc.

The problem is I'm very doubtful as a person and it's very hard for me to be certain of many things. Well obviusly I believe that he still loves me. But is it the kind of love that I expect or need? I wonder if this relatinship is healthy.

Anyway, just when I've started feeling low & thinking about breaking up, I started to like this other guy. I cant say I'm really friend with this guy. I barely know him. Just in March I had a temporary break up with my boyfriend, but then he came over to my place and convinced me about us being together. I thought the feelings for him that I've lost started to come back to me that day. I know that my bf is a good man and he is very determined and loyal to me. It's just that I dont know if I can stand his temper, attitude and the way he treated me sometimes. At that day also I confessed to him about what happened to me, what I've been thinking and about this other guy that I liked. He knows this guy as well and he was surprised to find out I liked this guy. I convinced myself that the feelings for that guy were wrong and perhaps I was just dreaming bcoz I want to escape from reality. My boyfriend convinced me too that this guy is not good anyway since he likes chatting up girls. My bf also told me this guy told him that he just had a few months relationship with this girl (whom we all know) bcause she's easy.

Somehow things are just not going on well. We had a fight just few weeks ago. And I cant help myself not to think of this other guy. I noticed him looking at me a few times when we hung out together with some friends (including my boyfriend) early this year (at that time I was feeling somethig for him too). Well as I said I barely know this guy, but how come I cried many times at night thinking about him & the few moments we had instead of thinking about my boyfriend????

To cut the story short, my real question is that if my feelings are real for this guy or not? Is it possible to like 2 guys at the same time (are they true feelings) ??

Thank you in advance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Fri, 05-30-2003 - 2:09pm
What you are feeling for this other guy is not real. Once you get to know him, you will find that he probably has faults just like your bf. Men who run in the same pack are often not that different. And if you did leave your bf to be with this guy, you might be happy for a little while, but that will only be replaced by the same issues you have in your relationship now. That's because the problem does not lie with the men in your life, the problem is your own self-esteem. You seem to be very critical of yourself, and you said that it's very hard for you to be "certain of many things". That says to me that you don't trust your feelings to be "right". You broke up with your bf in March because you recognized that you are not happy in your relationship, then your bf "convinced me about us being together". What did either of you do to change in that time to ensure the success of your relationship? It seems to me that you went back to him because that is what's familiar to you. But if you really want to be happy, there needs to be a change. I don't think pursuing a relationship with this other guy is the right thing to do because you will just be replacing one bad situation for another. Until you deal with the self-esteem issues at the root of your problems (i.e. what keeps you from demanding better treatment in your relationship), you will continue this cycle. No man will be able to give you what you need to be happy, so don't expect that from your bf. If he isn't treating you right, leave him. Take some time to be on your own and learn to like spending time with you. What do YOU do that makes you happy?


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 3:50pm
I'm so sorry my dear.

I have read every single message before I found your one.

The time you left me I was so grateful that you came back, that I warmly welcomed you back in my arms without finding out or fixing what went wrong. I didn't want to pressure you if you didn't feel like telling me about it.

Doing the online course has made me realise that I have a low self-esteem. I felt unworthy of love when you didn't reserve a seat for me at the movies and I had to sit alone. I thought that I deserved that since I was half-hour late because I had to pick up

my sister, your friend and you from across the city during rush hours. It was just a

general misunderstanding and I shouldn't have overreacted with my temper.

When we watched the first sunrise of the millennium together, I silently told myself that

the person beside me is the person that I want to make happy. Through chaotic times

of hardwork and stress I had unawarely forgotten about it. Please forgive me.

Because of pressure from work and study, sometimes I had become too loose to remember the following: "Always calmly attempt to know what the other party feels before trying to promote your point of view....make sure the other party knows that you understand and confirm what you understand with the other party." That I had hurt you many times by knocking over your point of view with my own stubborn, big male-egoistic and selfish opinion. I confess to everyone at this message board.

I have learnt now that we have a destructive argument pattern and I'm willing to work

on things together. I want us to have a healthy loving relationship together. The times that we were (and will be) truly happy is worth it. I am willing to re-adjust. I want to sit down, talk things over, compromise on what's wrong, and reach a mutual agreement. But of course I will not force you to have a relationship with me if you are not sure that's what you want. Just saying I'm willing to meet you halfway.

I fell in love with you because of your personality and I still love your personality the way it is. Although I might disagree with you at times, it does not mean I am dissatisfied with you.

I know that you are the woman I want to have a monogamous long-term relationship with.

Meeting someone like you has changed my life and you are the happiest thing that ever happened to me. I'm afraid to lose you because you are the most important thing in my entire life. I really care about you and I still love you. And only you - there is no one else.

I can understand when you told me I'm not the man that can help you now. If you want to be with this person to try if you two are compatible, I will follow what you want.

Because your happiness is also my happiness. And I want you to be happy.

Just want you to know that

- I still love you, but realise that relationship is a two way thing.

- I won't ask what went wrong anymore.

- I'm going to give you the time and space you need and let you be.

- I'm going to be your friend.

- Meanwhile I'm not going to bother you.

But if you want to talk or meet me you can ask me still.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 6:46pm
Two things are going on here - number 1 - you are having issues in your relationship with your boyfriend that are not being clearly discussed and there is no way of solving them. Obviously the relationship with your boyfriend is not satisfying for you, and also the two of you do not seem to have the tools to work out differences in a positive, healthy way. If you want to stay in this relationship (and even if you don't), it's a good idea to get things out on the table and discuss how you feel or even get some counselling about this. The unhappy feelings have been going on a long time, and rather than brush them aside, realize that there are reasons for them.

Number two - this other guy that you like...nothing wrong with that. it's very common to become interested in someone else when a person is not happy or satisfied in their relationship. I wouldn't take my boyfriend's word about this other guy. He told you those things about him because he didn't want you to go to him. If you decide that the relationship with your boyfriend is not making you happy, and you don't want it, then you have every right to explore this other person. It's best to be open and honest about this, to finish one relationship before you start on another. Still, being interested in someone else, as I said, is often an indication that you need more than what you are getting now.

Best wishes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Sat, 06-07-2003 - 12:26am
I just want to clarify something.

"I convinced myself that the feelings for that guy were wrong and perhaps I was just dreaming bcoz I want to escape from reality. My boyfriend convinced me too that this guy is not good anyway since he likes chatting up girls. My bf also told me this guy told him that he just had a few months relationship with this girl (whom we all know) bcause she's easy."

I did not tell my girlfriend that this guy likes chatting up girls. Nor the girl he was going out with is easy. What I said was, this guy is very popular and many people know him. He has many female friends because of his dance party business. And I also know for a fact that he was having a relationship with this girl, during the time that my girlfriend thinks he was giving looks at my girlfriend. (Both of us know that those two are very outgoing). I know this because I heard from 3 different friends in our circle and also from the man himself, told me.

If want2bwise does not believe me, that is fine, she can find out herself from our circle of friends. Not just take my word for it. During the time she confessed I realised how silly my girlfriend is to have a crush on this guy. When she was convinced I was telling the truth, she told me that time that I am the type of guy that every girl wants.

Secondly, I do not know what to do at this stage. If she wants to explore this other guy, I will support her. I would like some advice from Dr Shoshanna, April or other experts on this matter. Where can I get counselling about this? I have done the online course on how to stop fighting hurtfully and I'm waiting for my girlfriend to open up to me. I am having two exams at the university next week. But this matter has caused me alot of distress.

Any constructive advice or suggestion will be appreciated.

Thank you in advance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Sat, 06-07-2003 - 3:18pm
Well, my point was that I don't think she should pursue anything with this other guy. If she is needing space and time, then she should be on her own to figure out what she wants. Being with him will only cloud her judgement, because she will be thinking "Why can't my bf make me feel this way?" That feeling isn't real, it's infatuation that will not last. She needs to work on her self-esteem, because she sounded very critical of herself. Do you see this in her? Does she seem very self-depricating to you? If she does develop a relationship with this guy, and you are certain you want to spend the rest of your life with her, then wait a little while and it will be over. She may or may not come running back to you. However, if I were you, I wouldn't be waiting around. She has to do what feels right to her. If your relationship was meant to be, she will come back to you. If not, you have learned a very valuable lesson about love. Good luck!


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
Mon, 06-09-2003 - 6:46am
I just wanna say thank you to Dr Shosanna and April for your inputs.

I will really consider both of your suggestions. I think it's true that I have to work on myself. But how do I improve myself if I dont have friends?? I feel like I just want to go out there and make new frens. Esp meet ppl with the same interest as I have.

Besides, I dont think i'll be that easy to go into another relationship.

OK, thanks again.