21 and needing help

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2009
21 and needing help
13
Wed, 03-18-2009 - 10:47pm

My ex recently broke up with me after a four year relationship...we live together and have a son who just turned one. she recently started talking to one of her guy friends who

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
Wed, 03-18-2009 - 11:56pm
You need to address the reasons why the two of you broke up - her needs or wants and what she feels was missing from the relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2009
Thu, 03-19-2009 - 7:32am
gotcha! she said it was a few things, like if we argue i slam doors and stuff and she says that it bothers her when i do that. she said it made her angry every time we had money my hand was out for something and we are tight with money right now so she stresses over that alot....so im trying to go back to the way i was, trying to make her feel like a princess,and do everything and
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2008
Thu, 03-19-2009 - 11:21am

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
Thu, 03-19-2009 - 11:26am

YOu got it - stop doing the things that upset her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 03-19-2009 - 2:30pm

Welcome to the board thejaz26,


The things you do in anger (slam doors, etc) scares her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Thu, 03-19-2009 - 3:39pm
Have you told her that you have come to realize how selfish you have been and that you want to work on your relationship with her? Have you suggested counseling? Has she said that it is definitely over and is moving out??
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2009
Thu, 03-19-2009 - 4:27pm
today when i came home for lunch i bought her some lunch because she was home already (came home because she was still sick) no she has no plans of moving out, and doesnt really want me to move out. I told her that "i came to the realization that the past months i have been selfish and that im trying to re-introduce her to the real me, and treat her the way that she should be treated" and she had a smile on her face. she has said its definately over, but she keeps saying things like "if we cant work it out" and all that stuff.. i havent suggested counciling because im sure she wouldnt go cause of the whole money issue. when we broke up her reasons were "im in love with you but i am not happy with you"
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-19-2009 - 5:20pm

She developed feelings for this guy because she felt that you were not paying attention to her and perhaps she felt deprived. It's nice that you're caring for her now. Just give her what you can and what she allows. Be kind, attentive, and respectful. As you are living under the same roof, you are not exactly broken up. There's plenty of chance to see each other and for you to show by actions, not words how you feel. She may well come around and realize that she has gotten involved in a fantasy and this is where her family is. Or she may not. All you can do is your best, to show her through actions, that you are not the same person you were before. Stay centered and focused and then of course all you can do is allow things to take their course.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2009
Thu, 03-19-2009 - 8:41pm
its just so difficult because im trying to show her, but she keeps telling me "i dont want you to be upset IF we dont work it out" i dont understand, is this a good thing she is saying, or a bad thing?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Fri, 03-20-2009 - 1:11pm
Only she knows the answer. She could be keeping you on hold while she figures out if this LD/rebound thing works out. Or she could be letting you down easy. What are her plans for where she lives?

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