23 w/ problems - no advice found!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
23 w/ problems - no advice found!!!
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 12:22am
I don't get it, I have some serious relationship issues on my plate - and there seem to be answers to all questions dealing with marriage - but not long term relationships! So that's my big prob, I am involved with a man who I love, yet I'm feeling like we are not on the same page within our relationship - we have many communication breakdowns and nothing gets resolved with the typical advice of "talking." If there is no talking - then what? Then it's over? I'm really so confused right now - We fight about the ways we show our love, my way - the girl way - obvious - my bf - the not so obvious - and I need the obvious! But when I mention it, he gets mad and says I'm basically saying he's not a good bf. And then I feel bad that he feels that way - so I am the one to end up apologizing for my needs. I know this is wrong - it's not my fault - but where do I find advice on this? I also would like to know if anyone has information on how to get ahold of a trust issue. I know I can trust my man, but somewhere inside me I am looking to "catch" him doing something so I do things like get into his private email, and to do so - I have changed the password - and then I search his computer for porn stuff - which I am 100% against - and those are two big fights. When I found the porn and then when he got mad for my email investigation. I need some serious advice here - I'm going nuts!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 8:00am
I think talking constantly about "the relationship" is boring and he will and probably should tune you out - if you have specific things that bother you -- not the general "you don't show your love to me the right way!!!" you can bring those up calmly. If you don't trust him and are snooping this is probably not the person for you - what is love without trust? And why would you be with someone who makes you feel so insecure that you would resort to invading his privacy? Let him find someone who trusts him and clicks with the way he shows that he cares.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 9:43am
First, it is WRONG to invade his privacy by going through his e-mail and searching for porn on the Internet. I don't care if you are 100% against it, or not. Would you want him to invade your privacy like that?

Maybe therapy could help the two of you. You say talking doesn't work, but sometimes therapists can help you "learn" the right way to "talk", so that it does work.

And perhaps some individual counselling could help you come to terms with your trust issues. Have you had reason to not trust him in the past? Have other people in your life caused you to have these trust issues? Why are you so against porn? Is it a moral thing, or are you threatened by it? Why do you feel the need to snoop on him? Why can't you just ask him if he's been looking at porn? Why are you searching his e-mail? What are you looking for when you do? Do you think he's cheating on you? Therapy might be able to help you answer some of these questions, and in turn help resolve your problems with your bf.

Also, don't EVER apologize for your feelings. Don't let him make you feel bad just because you feel differently about something than he does. Have more self esteem than that, girl! You have a right to feel what you feel, and you don't ever have to justify your feelings to anyone!