3 yrs of being mad

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2004
3 yrs of being mad
3
Tue, 05-13-2008 - 12:14pm

~~~~~~~~~~duplicate post from another board~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

OK so I am going to have to give a lot of back ground in order to explain what is going on so I apologize in advance

DH and I have been dating since sept 2000 when I was (just) 18 and he was 22. I had just moved to this part of the country to go to University and didn't know a soul. We moved in together in may 2001 and I got pregnant with DS1 Sept 11 2001. I was 19 at the time and he thought it might make things easier if we moved back to my home town where I would have more support and people to help me.

Up to this point DH had not really managed to hold a job since we moved in together and was on job 3 when we moved home. When we got home my Aunt set him up with a job that had really good wages and he could car pool back and forth with her and a neighbor (no license) it was great for a bit and we stayed with my parents until Ethan was born in June 2002 then we got our own place. He ended up loosing his job there (because he pissed off his rides by being rude and obnoxious) in Oct but luckily got hired on with a tree farming operation for the Christmas rush.

I was angry that he had lost yet ANOTHER job but he seemed to land on his feet so I bit my tounge after my initial outburst.

After Christmas until July 2003 he never worked. I did but he stayed home with Ethan. Not only did I work but I Also had to do all the housework, yard work, and after hours child care. I thought it was because he was homesick and does not make friends easily (because he is incredibly rude) so we moved back to Newfoundland (NL) in july 2003.

We had to live with is paretns while we found an apt but that was no big deal. He was working again and being somewhat reasonable about helping out. We got our own place in Nov 2003 and he was working teh same job from August 2003-dec 2004. I say working but he rarely brought home full checks and had serious attendance problems. We got married in summer 2004 though because despite some sketcy work ethic he was doing well holding down a job and helping out.

See that was really the only problem we had. I expect him to pull his own weight and act like an adult (take responsibility for himself and his family) since he was finally doing that I thought he had matured to the point where we could finally get married.

December 2004 he got fired AGAIN because he bad attendance finally caught up with him. I was working as a nanny but did not make enough to pay the bills.

Feb 2005 I took a job at the call center he had been fired from. HE got a job at a local sub place. He got fired inside a month for being too lazy to go to work.

In july of that year I got pregnant again and he was supposedly looking for a job. I had a very difficult pregnancy and had early bleeding, multiple infections, and a uterine rupture that was causing internal bleeding. Some days I was in so much pain I could barely stand but I still had to work 50 hour weeks because DH had no job and we had to keep our oldest in food and clothes as well as shelter. Oct 2005 he told me he had a job with a temp agency so I didn't leave him (I had decided if he was unemployed by Halloween I was asking for a divorce but I never told him that) but I am not sure if he was telling the truth because no one ever called,

HE got a real job at a new call center in mid nov 2005 and we moved to a new place with cheaper rent at the first of that month.

Nov 38 2005 I went into labor with DS2 and I was only 23 weeks along. I was hospitalized and they managed to stall labor for a few days and I delivered DS2 (Jerome) at 24 weeks.

After he was born DH returned to work and I was really IMPRESSED I spent 2 weeks in the hospital (I was in critical condition from a botched surgery) and then I came home. I was still recuperating from the effects of my uterus rupturing and from having a c-section and then a second surgery to fix tech damage from the section 5 hours later as well as some other health problems that had arisen from my pregnancy and delivery but within a week or 2 I was left responsible for the house AND having to travel back and forth to the hospital every day to see DS2 and make supper and go grocery shopping and take care of DS1.

When I brought him with me he would only stay 10 mins because "he doesn't like hospitals" or would refuse to go at all but he would use DS2 as an excuse to miss work (say he had to go meet with doctors and such)

DS2 passed away feb 9 2006 at 10 weeks old. I planned the funerals (yeah plural as we had one back home with my family) and had to run around doing shopping and meet with everyone and he refused to do anything. He claimed he didn't know what to do

Yeah cause I'm a freaking expert at burying my children you idiot!

Anyways I returned to work in April of 2006 and got pregnant again in august 2006. It ended up being an ectopic pregnancy and it did not respond to treatments and ended up rupturing. I again landed in critical condition and quit my job because they were giving me grief about not calling in sick while I was fighting for my life.

Oh I forgot something. The whole time I had been working at the call center (feb 2005-april 2006) I worked overnights. I worked from 1:30 am to 9:30 am and then picked up overtime on top of it. I worked this shift because it paid the best but I was not getting any help with supper and housework.

He always yelled at me that I slept all day and never spent any time with him but my waking hours were filled with work, Ethan, and housework that he didn't do.

So after the ectopic and my quitting my job we moved in with his parents and he got a new job (by his own choice and with better pay) and we have been living here (his parents basement apt) since oct 2006. I like were we live and his parents so that is no big deal and it is allowing us to save some money. He has had the same job and so far as I can tell is in no danger of loosing it.

I work from home babysitting during the day, babysitting a different set of kids at night and I recently took an evening and weekend job at McDonalds. Now that I am working At McDonalds as well I need more help from him. If I cook supper and then have to leave as soon as it is done I dont think it is too much to want him to do the dishes.

I also want him to play with DS more. HE does play video games with him a few h ours a week and watch TV but he refuses to play outside with him because Dh does not like playing outside, he wont do crafts or anything that he doesn't want to do.

HE doesn't help with the house besides the OCCASIONAL load of dishes and he is completely lazy. He carpool;s to work and is never ready to go when it is time.

This morning he was on the comp and flipped out at me because I told him he should get ready for work (including pack lunch and get dressed) BEFORE he plays games rather than try to do it all in 15 mins because I was tired of listening to people yell at him for not being ready.

HE started yelling at me and swearing that I treat him like a child and always boss him around (remind him to brush his teeth when he is getting ready to leave and I can smell him, remind him to get his lunch, tell him he needs to do a load of wash if he wants to have clean socks) I have tried not reminding him of things but then he ends up angry and taking it out on DS and I because nothing is where he needs it or because peopel are threatening to leave without him.

A lot of things I can handle (like his lack of tact) but I really thought he would mature as he grows.

I am still SO mad at him for forcing me to work those hours while I was pregnant with DS2 and can't help but think that if he had been working and I could have taken a break i may have been able to carry longer. I got pregnant again in nov 2007 and was terrified I was going to get no help again. He spent the whole time I was at the hospital miscarrying complain HE was tired and didn't like hospitals. MEanwhile I was the one bleeding and having no idea what was going on.

After that I decided we are not having any more kids as I refused to be the only one who had to go to the hospital if there was something wrong. I am the one stuck reliving the times Jerome stopped breathing or had seizures or whatever. He has no idea what it was like to sit there day after day and wonder if he was going to start breathing again.

I told him this and he got mad at me saying he had it worse going to work. He went by his choice to AVOID the hospital

I felt a bit better for a while after deciding we were having no more kids but I am still angry that he refuses to carry his own weight and starts yelling at me every time I try to talk about it. Then he gets mad and refuses to listen to me because "he doesn't want to argue"

I am so sick of it and have no idea how to get through to him. I can't move on and forgive him as long as he is behaving the same way but 3 years is a long time to live with someone you are angry at.












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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 05-13-2008 - 1:28pm

Welcome to the board misa101,


HUGS for your loss. I'm so sorry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2004
Tue, 05-13-2008 - 1:35pm

I didn't do grief counciling and for the most part have no desire to. I have pretty well moved on with my life but feel that it is an important thing to consider before having another child because I have a 50% chance of another preemie. For some reason he thinkis we are still having more kids even though I told him *I* was not having any more unless there were some major behavior changes.

I know it sounds like I am treating him like a kid and in all honesty I am. I will admit that even to him. I have tried treating him like an adult but he misses work because his ride won't wait for him to get out of the shower/dress/pack lunch etc after they say it is time to go. Heck if I don't sleep in the same room as him (I sleep with DS1 when he is sick) he doesn't even get out of bed.

I am not willing to live like this much longer and have told him that (at which point I get 2 days of grown up behavior) but he can not sustain his promises for better behavior long term.

He really seems to feel like he is doing nothing wrong.

I guess what I need is a way to make him "get it" I went on strike once but he just went around in dirty clothes and lived off sandwiches while my house was growing mold.












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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 05-13-2008 - 1:49pm
Unfortunately, we can't *make* another person 'get it' - hence the need for boundaries and knowing what works for us and what doesn't.




angels